Parental Alienation (Part 1)

Parental Alienation (part 1)
www.dedicatedfathers.org

BY: Marvin L. Chapman

Within the mental health field there continues to be an ongoing debate as to whether or not there is such a thing as parental alienation. Some research appears to support the notions behind parental alienation and its effects on children, and yet other research appears to refute it. However, for those of us in the trenches - especially those of us who have spent years in the family court arena - there is no doubt about parental alienation and its consequences.

Parental alienation is generally defined as one parent repeatedly and continuously programming or brainwashing their child against the other parent. Parental alienation may include such acts as obstructing, interfering or outright denying the child’s right to spend time with the other parent. It usually includes statements that the other parent does not care about the child, is too busy for the child, or similar statements all used to coerce the child into believing the other parent and even their extended family do not love the children or care about them anymore. Such begins the breaking down of the parent-child relationship. In its worst form, parental alienation involves false allegations of abuse, neglect, or some other form of alleged harm to the child.

Of the research I have read, most of those opposing the notion of parental alienation have a clear bias towards mothers. This is not surprising given the fact the mother is almost always the parent who attempts to alienate the children, very seldom the father. Those who oppose the notion of parental alienation overwhelmingly state that if there is any real alienation, then it comes from the fathers’ own actions and not due to any wrongdoing on the part of the mother. It appears to me that those who buy into the notion only mother’s can nurture and care for children also buy into the notion that mother’s would never purposefully and systematically alienate the children against their father.

In over 26 years within the family courts, I can categorically state parental alienation is very real in family law. Anyone spending half a day in any family court will clearly see the systematic alienation that is perpetrated in many cases (but then going to court and finding out what really goes on is NOT scientific study - it’s REALITY). Some form of parental alienation is in about fifty percent (50%) of all of my cases as indicated by the following:

The number 1 complaint of all fathers I have seen in over 25 years is that the mother is causing interference, obstruction and denial of their children’s right to spend time with the father.

The number 2 complaint of all fathers I have seen in over 25 years is that the mother is repeatedly and continuously making degrading and derogatory remarks about the father either directly to the children, or at the very least within hearing distance of the children.

The number 3 complaint of all fathers I have seen in over 25 years is that the mother prevents or severely limits the father from having any significant say in the lives of their children as to health decisions, educational decisions, extra-curricular activities and other general welfare decisions - actions which are made solely and unilaterally by the mother.

As stated above, I have found some form of parental alienation in about fifty percent (50%) of all of my cases for over 26 years as outlined above. Therefore, for me and my clients, parental alienation is extremely common. No only are these acts alienating the children, I support the notion that such acts rise to the level of child abuse. It is abusive for one parent to interfere, obstruct or denial children their right to spend time with the other parent. It is abusive for one parent to continuously make degrading and derogatory remarks about the other parent, whether directly to the children or within hearing distance of the children. And it is abusive for one parent to make sole unilateral decisions about the children without any significant input from the other parent - basically cutting the other parent out of the decisions making process for their children.

Unfortunately, what I call child abuse, family court judges call “primary physical custody to mother.” I see hundreds of clients each year and in over half of those cases I hear at least one (1) of the complaints outlined above. Extrapolate those numbers to the general population and we can only guess at the real number of children being abused through the alienation action of their mother.

The reasons one parent alienates the children against the other parent are as varied as the parents’ themselves. However, there are some attributes which have been identified as being the driving force behind alienating behavior, which are the following:

1. Alienating parents may have feelings of abandonment, anger and rage at the other parent;

2. Alienating parents many times are seeking revenge for perceived wrongs;

3. Alienating parents may have acute or chronic psychological and/or emotional problems;

4. Alienating parents typically harbor resentment from events that happened during the marriage;

5. Alienating parents can be over-enmeshed with their children, resulting in over-protectiveness; and

6. Alienating parents may have an overwhelming need to “prove” they were right and the other parent was wrong.

Likewise, some children are more susceptible to alienation than others and there are some attributes which have been found to be common among children who succumb to alienation tactics, which are the following:

1. Children with a strong psychological bond with the alienating parent;

2. Children with an excessively dependent relationship with the alienating parent;

3. Children who live in fear of losing the alienating parent’s love and support;

4. Children who become overly protective of the alienating parent - sometimes taking on the role of a surrogate spouse (taking “care of” the alienating parent); and

5. Children who respond positively to outside encouragement for expressing their feelings of being abandonment or rejection by the alienated parent.

Please check back next week for part 2 of this article on Parental Alienation.
Be sure to visit our website for more information on divorce and child custody.
www.dedicatedfathers.org

Robert and Rob EQUAL parenting bike trek!

Fathers to ride over 600 miles for Equality in Parenting Rights!

From daddyblogger.com

It is official! August 11th 2007 Robert Pedersen and Rob Mackenzie will start their over 600 mile bicycle trek from the Lansing Capitol to Washington, D.C.. This will be an intense multi-day bike trek through numerous states ending in Washington, D.C. where they will be greeted by thousands of people attending the national rally in Washington, D.C. on August the 18th.

It is simply amazing that two fathers are going to attempt this trip all in the name and support of shared parenting! They do this to protect a child's right to EQUAL time with BOTH fit parents! Many elected officials and supporters will see the riders off at the Lansing Capitol and thousands will greet them in Washington, D.C.

Follow this link for the entire story:
http://daddy.typepad.com/daddyblog/2007/04/robert_and_rob_.html


www.dedicatedfathers.org

Child Abuse, Divorce, and Child Custody

ALLEGATIONS OF CHILD ABUSE
Divorce & Child Custody (part 2)

By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

In the California Family Code Section 3027.1 it states the following:

“If a court determines...that an accusation of child abuse or neglect made during a child custody proceeding is false and the person making the accusation knew it to be false at the time the accusation was made, the court may impose reasonable money sanctions, not to exceed all costs incurred by the party accused as a direct result of defending the accusation, and reasonable attorney’s fees incurred in recovering the sanctions, against the person making the accusation.”

In over 26 years in the family court arena, I have never experienced nor have I ever heard of any judge actually determining someone has knowingly made a false allegation of child abuse.

Pretty amazing fact when you consider the following:

Outside of family court: Independent third parties are generally the ones making the allegations.

Outside of family court: Mothers are found responsible for 49% of child abuse cases (with fathers, other relatives and strangers making up the other 51%).

Inside family court: By an overwhelming majority, it is mothers who make allegations against fathers [even though statistically, the mother has a higher probability of committing abuse (49% of all cases as shown above). This fact is totally ignored in family court.

Inside family court: The vast majority of the allegations can not be verified or validated; however, the father is almost always treated as guilty from day one.

Research shows that upon the accusation of child abuse in family court, the presumption of guilt is taken for granted by the majority of attorneys and judges. Therefore from the onset, an accused father is treated as though he were guilty. As indicated in Part 1 of this Allegations of Child Abuse section, in family court (divorce court) child abuse allegations require no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nor any other tangible evidence - the mere unsubstantiated allegation will do.

Research also shows mothers often obtain sole custody of the children, terminate or severely restrict visitation with the father, then request an increase in child support due to the reduced time the father has with his children. All of these consequences tearing apart the restructuring family, severely damaging father-child relationships, injuring the father emotionally, and many times destroying the father financially. All of this trauma built around unfounded false allegations. With such devastating consequences you would think family courts would be more pro-active in going after those who make false allegations. Unfortuantely for the families involved, not only do the courts not go after those making false allegations pro-actively, they don’t go after them at all!

The author of this article, Marvin Chapman, has a great website devoted to fathers rights and divorce. Why not check it out?
Visit www.unitedfathers.org

Defend Your Rights Today!
Order the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series Now!

Divorce & Child Custody - Child Abuse

Divorce & Child Custody:
ALLEGATIONS OF CHILD ABUSE

Part 1 of 2
By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Research verifies mothers are responsible for 49% of all child abuse cases (with other relatives, strangers and fathers making up the other 51%).

In family court, twice as many mothers make child abuse allegations against fathers as do fathers against mothers.

Therefore, the mother making the allegation of child abuse against the father in a divorce is much more likely to be the perpetrator of the abuse than is the father.

Unfortuantely, the above facts are totally ignored by family courts.

In family court, the normal standards of evidence required for common criminals do not apply. In family court, child abuse allegations require no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nor any other tangible evidence - the mere unsubstantiated allegation will do. Research proves upon the accusation of child abuse in family court, the presumption of guilt is taken for granted by the majority of attorneys and judges. Therefore, in family court, unsubstantiated hearsay allegations of abuse is all it takes for a father to be “guilty,” along with all the consequences which go with that “guilty” verdict. From the onset, the father will be treated as though he were found guilty in a real court.

Because the presumption of guilt is taken for granted by the majority of attorneys and judges in family court, the father will almost immediately be separated from his children - at least until he can “prove” his innocence. How does a father prove his innocence? How does he prove something did not happen? The reality is, he can’t. The very fact something did not happen prevents him from proving the non-happening of the non-event. It is a very well known and accepted fact that you can not prove the non-happening of a non-event - that is, except in family court.

During a divorce, the mere allegation of child abuse can and most of the time will cause an irreparable breakdown of the accused parent-child relationship. At the very least the previously healthy parent-child relationship will be disrupted and interfered with unnecessarily. The accused parent will typically become defensive and in the effort to prove their innocence, they will many times unwittingly distance themselves from their child, which is then used against them as verification of some form of abuse. With false allegations of abuse only the mothers win - fathers, children and father-child relationships all lose in some way or another.

Research also shows that mothers often obtain sole custody of their child, terminate visitation with the father, and then request an increase in child support due to the reduced time the father has with their child. All of these consequences tearing apart the restructuring family and damaging the father-child relationship, destroying the father emotionally, and injuring the father financially, are all built around simple unfounded false allegations and hearsay.

Many times the falsely accused parent is stigmatized and their reputation tarnished by the false allegations. This stigma and tarnished reputation may stay with them even if they are eventually found to be factually innocent. Many innocent men lose their jobs, become depressed and walk away from it all. In today’s fear filled society, the mere allegation of child abuse within family court can damage a person for the rest of their lives. Personally, I have had clients commit suicide over such abuse allegations - even after they were determined to be factually innocent of all charges. They could not take their neighbors, former friends and co-workers continued scorn and ridicule.

Regardless of the dire consequences of destroying a man’s life, false allegations of abuse, both spousal and child, are allowed to continue unabated in family court around this country. What most people seem to miss is the fact that it is the children who suffer the most with false allegations of abuse in that their relationship with one of their parents will be irretrievably impaired. Issues of abandonment, rejection, hurt and an overwhelming sense of loss will accompany most of these children for the rest of their lives.

Whether fiction, fantasy, legal ploy, or some other reason, false allegations of abuse are an indication the accusing parent is at the very least immature and over-enmeshed, and at worse, malicious, vindictive and prone to do anything to make the other parent “pay” for their perceived wrongs.

What makes false allegations of spousal abuse and child abuse so absurd is that when the parents were together, the accused parent was a good, decent and trusted parent. But once the breakup began, the accused parent was magically transformed into a mean, angry, abusing man. Why the family court can not see this fact is beyond any sound logical reasoning.

The use of false allegations of spousal abuse and child abuse will only stop when the standard is raised wherein a parent must prove the abuse, verify, validate and substantiate the allegations. Until then, families will continue to be abused by the very system which alleges concerned about the “best interests of the child.” Abusing a parent through false allegations, treating the falsely accused parent as guilty, making orders emotionally rather than logically and with proof, validation, verification and substantiation, are not and will never be in the “best interests of the child.”

Fathers who only months ago were good care-giving, productive and protective fathers are now child abusers. It is insane the courts even allow most of these cases. A simple third party investigation, short and inexpensive, would prove not only did the alleged abuse not happen, the mother knew her allegation was untrue when she made it. Then, and only then, will there cease to be an incentive for these false allegations to be made in the first place.

Like spousal abuse, child abuse allegations require no proof, validation, verification, police reports or any other tangible evidence - the mere unsubstantiated allegation will do very nicely by itself. Just as in false allegations of spousal abuse, false allegations of child abuse are extremely common in family court. Given the current heightened awareness of child abductions and child abuse nationally, there is a lot of emotions around the allegations of child abuse - and family court is almost totally governed by emotions.

Family court judges are given wide discretionary powers unlike any other area of law. This vast discretionary power of family court judges allows them to make their orders without ever having to justify and without ever giving sound logical reasoning for the orders they make.

Just like false allegations of spousal abuse, the mere allegation of child abuse is a winner for mothers. In the majority of cases, the mere allegation of child abuse will subject the father to parenting classes (money), supervised visitation with their children (more money) and a higher child support order (much more money).

If for any reason you suspect the other parent may make allegations against you, if the other parent has a history of repeatedly getting really angry with you, or if the other parent has ever made other false allegations against you (“You don’t love me anymore.”), then you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children.

The Author of this article, Marvin Chapman, has a great website devoted to father’s rights and child custody. Why not check it out? www.dedicatedfathers.org

Also be sure to visit www.unitedfathers.org

ALLEGATIONS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE (Divorce and the Family Court System)

ALLEGATIONS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE
Divorce, child custody, and the family court system

www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org
By: Marvin L. Chapman

In family court (divorce court), the definition of spousal abuse is fleeting at best. For over 25 years I have observed spousal abuse as being any time a parent “feels” uncomfortable or “threatened.” This is to say in family court, spousal abuse is the act of making the other party “feel.” Sounds funny? Absurd? Well, go to your local family law courthouse and find out where divorce and spousal abuse cases are being heard and then watch in amazement as you see the stories unfold.

Generally, all a woman has to say is she is in “fear” of the father and a restraining order is immediately placed against the father - no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nothing is required other than “feeling fearful.”

Fact: 1 in 3 women (33%) and 1 in 4 men (25%) will be victims of domestic violence. With such statistics, it makes you wonder why so many women and yet so few men are able to obtain restraining orders for domestic violence. Could it be the institutional bias against fathers is so great in family law that judges just can’t or won’t believe men can be victims of abuse from women? Go to the courthouse, watch what goes on, make up your own mind.

In family court, the mere allegation of being “fearful” of the father will typically get the mother a three (3) year restraining order against the father. Additionally, many cases end up with the father being ordered to parenting classes (money) anger management classes (more money), supervised visitation with their children (even more money) and a higher child support order (much more money). Ever wonder why men feel all they are is a paycheck? Read this paragraph again and see if you can figure out why we feel that way.

In California, part of the formula for determining child support is the amount of time each parent spends with their children. Accordingly, if a mother makes a false allegation of being “fearful” and can get the court to order supervised visitation with the father - she just won the child support lottery. Therefore, mothers in California have a financially vested interest in making false spousal abuse allegations. And this is our divorce system at work.

I have had clients whose spousal abuse cases against them have been thrown out by the District Attorney (DA) as unsubstantiated and/or unfounded, only to have the mother go to family court and get a three (3) year restraining order against the father based on the same allegation which was found to be unsubstantiated and/or unfounded by the DA.

I have had clients who have pleaded with the court to allow them to take lie detector tests to prove their innocence, only to be turned down by the family court judge because the judge had already made up their mind that the father was guilty.

I have had many cases where the father can prove he was at work when the mother was “injured.” However, because the mother had a bruise, the court takes the mother’s word for it and grants a three (3) year restraining order. In many of these cases the mother is so proud of what she pulled off in court that they call the father and laughingly brag to him on how she learned to bang herself into a door jam to get a bruise. For this act, the father is given limited time with child children, pays for anger management courses, pays for a monitor to supervise his visits with his children, and pays a higher child support amount due to the limited amount of time he has with his children.

This is JUSTICE - Family Court Style

Again, in family court, only allegations are necessary - no proof is required, no validation and no verification is necessary for a family court judge to tell truth from fiction in less than 10 minutes. It hurts to admit it but as a trained therapist with over 25 years of experience, without any proof, validation or verification, I am many times unable to tell truth from fiction - no matter how many times I meet with a couple. Yet, in family court, a judge - with no psychological training or experience - can determine truth from fiction in less than 10 minutes.

What a world this would be if we all could be like family court judges and have such powerful insight into human behavior, family functioning and family dynamics that we are able to determine absolute truth within any particular family almost immediately!

Since the mere allegation of spousal abuse makes you guilty, even when totally lacking in proof, validation, verification or evidence, there is no absolute way to protect yourself from these false charges. However, to minimize your chances of being falsely accused make sure you do not in any way provoke a verbal altercation with the other parent. Walk away, go to a hotel, do anything, but do not get into a verbal altercation with the other parent. The next step of an escalating verbal altercation is false allegations of abuse.

I know many readers of this section may have very strong feelings about these issues. As I tell many of my own clients, “Don’t believe me, believe your own eyes and ears.” Go to your nearest family court and watch the divorce and domestic violence hearings. If possible, talk to both the fathers and the mothers involved. Determine truth for yourself.

IMPORTANT DIFFERENCES IN ABUSE ALLEGATIONS

Allegations of spousal abuse (domestic violence) within family court is not the same as allegations of spousal abuse outside family court. Within family court there are emotional battles over the children, hurt feelings, divorce issues, perceived wrongs, financial incentives, and other issues which drive the desire to punish the other parent through false allegations. Other than judges, those involved in family court know the vast majority of claims of spousal abuse within family court are simply false allegations - without any factual foundation whatsoever. Outside of family court, there are few rewards for making false allegations. Accordingly, the vast majority of claims of spousal abuse outside of family court are based on fact with substantial factual foundations.

“FAMILY COURT IS FAMILY ABUSE”

Marvin Chapman, the author of this article, has a great website devoted to fathers rights and divorce information. Why not take a look?
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Dedicated Fathers is the ultimate tool to help you defend your rights!

Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

1. Learn to love yourself. You are just as deserving of your love and respect as anyone else is. When you learn to love yourself, you treat yourself better because you know that you are worthy of it.

2. Realize that you deserve only the best that life has to offer. When you know that you deserve the best, you’ll go out and create the best for yourself.

3. Set a goal for yourself and then do what you need to do to reach it. No matter how small the goal, reaching it will make you feel very good about yourself.

4. Learn a new skill. Learning is how we grow and assure ourselves that we are alive and capable.

5. Take time just for yourself every day. Even 15 minutes a day is enough to re-charge your battery. This is not selfish; it is self-preservation.

6. Do something creative. Find a hobby that you enjoy and just do it. Creativity just feels good.

7. Tell the people that you care about how you feel. Never pass up the chance to tell someone that you love him or her. This way, you will feel the pain of regret.

8. Let go of the past. It is gone forever. Learning to live in the here and now is invaluable in making every day the best.

9. Let go of one grievance or prejudice. We all have them, and they are just black holes on our soul.

10. Laugh every single day. One good belly laugh is healing. If you can’t see anything to laugh at, you aren’t looking hard enough.

www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Get what every father needs to know. Order Dedicated Fathers today!

QUOTES AND SAYINGS FOR A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK

QUOTES AND SAYINGS FOR A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK

The following is a list of quotes and sayings that can and will positively effect your future. By changing your thinking you can change your life.

www.dedicatedfathers.org

• Not all who wander are lost.

• Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.

• Don’t trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you.

• “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him you friend”--Abraham Lincoln

• If you plant a tree, don’t keep pulling it up by the roots to see how it’s growing.

• Adversity tempers the spirit.

• Doing the right thing requires courage.

• Your Choice: Victim or Victor.

• Surround yourself with the precious few who believe in you.

• Winning like losing, is a choice

• Belief in yourself far outweighs the doubts of others.

• Recipe for life–someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to.

• Live in harmony with your highest values and your innermost convictions. Never compromise.


• You must become the person you want to be on the inside before you see the appearance of this person on the outside.

• Develop a benevolent world view; look for the good in the people and circumstances around you.

• If you conduct yourself as though you expect to be successful and happy, you will seldom be disappointed.

• “Do what you can, with what you have, right where you are”--Theodore Roosevelt.

• Circumstances do not make the man; they merely reveal him to himself.

• It is when you finally learn that your fears are all in your mind that your life begins.

• Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.

• Failure is merely another opportunity to more intelligently begin again.

• You are surrounded right now by unlimited opportunities disguised as insurmountable problems.

• “When a man begins to realize the truth about himself, it lessens his desire to reform his neighbors.”--Mark Twain

• Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of the faith is to see what we believe.


Visualize success. Picture yourself succeeding. You will succeed.

Posted By: Dedicated Fathers

For more information and guidance on divorce and child custody please visit www.dedicatedfathers.org & www.unitedfathers.org

Thank you

Collaborative Divorce vs. Adversarial Divorce: A new outlook

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE

Collaborative Divorce vs Adversarial Divorce
A Positive Outlook
By:Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

1. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members. Each of the professionals on the team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.

2. The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made.

3. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.

4. The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.

5. Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process can be much less expensive.

6. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.

7. Some of the key benefits of the collaborative divorce process are the following:

A. Mutually created resolutions;

B. Mutually satisfying resolutions;

C. Durable agreements;

D. New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues;

E. Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions; and

F. Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.


8. In the collaborative divorce model, the parents are able to maximize their financial resources because of the following:

A. Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances;

B. The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions;

C. Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed;

D. Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems;

E. The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation;

F. The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court; and

G. The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.


The collaborative process generally gives both parents the following:

A. Peace of mind, reduced anxiety;

B. Security and privacy;

C. Less conflicts in the future;

D. More control of the outcome; and

E. Knowing you did the right thing and the best you could do for your children

BY:Marvin Chapman

Marvin Chapman, the autor of this article, has a great website devoted to divorce help and fathers rights. Why not take a look?www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Join the Dedicated Fathers Yahoo Discusssion Group!

divorce mediation (part 4) - confidential mediation

DIVORCE MEDIATION (PART 4)

Court Connected Mandatory Mediation - Confidential Mediation


Part 4 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org

More divorce related info

In California, if child custody or visitation are being contested, both parents must attend court connected mandatory divorce mediation. However, not all of the counties follow the requirement of confidential mediation. You will want to check with your local family court mediation department as to whether or not they follow the requirements of confidential mediation.

There may be no court connected mandatory mediation process in your state. To find out about your state requirements, check with your local family court personnel.

If you reside in California, or If your state has court connected mandatory mediation, you will want to discover whether such divorce mediation is confidential or recommendation based. If your mediation is confidential mediation, then feel free to express yourself fully to the mediator as to what you believe is in your children’s best interests.

In mediation, as in life, treat the other parent as you would want to be treated. Mediation will generally work out better for you if you do not use the process to try to heal your hurts and pains of the break up of your relationship.

You will want to take to your mediation appointment a written parenting plan outlining exactly what you believe is the best parenting plan for your children. Remember, this is mediation, not court. However, just like in court, you will seldom get everything you want from mediation. I typically tell my clients if you get 80% or better of what you are asking for, take it - it will probably be better than rolling the dice with the judge.

On the other hand, if you are getting less than 80%, then you are probably better off taking your issues to the judge. This suggestion is based solely on my experience with United Fathers of America for over 25 years, and my experience as a mediator in the Los Angeles County Mediation and Conciliation Courts.

BY: Marvin Chapman

Put Marvin Chapman’s knowledge and experience to work for you!

www.dedicatedfathers.org

Order the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series Today!

(continued)

Divorce Mediation part 2

DIVORCE MEDIATION (Part 2)

Voluntary Mediation

Part 2 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org


Voluntary divorce mediation is a process in which a skilled intermediary helps couples arrive at a mutually satisfactory and amicable agreement without judicial interference through effective communication, exploration of viable options and alternatives, negotiations and compromise. It is a problem solving process in which parents are encouraged to be open and direct in their conversation styles to lessen the chance of misunderstandings and distortions.

The divorce mediation process facilitates a change in parental interactions from the competitive and destructive win-lose mentality of the adversarial system, to a more cooperative problem-solving process. Underlining the success of the mediation process is a set of beliefs:

The belief that there is a mutually acceptable solution to every situation;

­The belief that both parents desire a mutually acceptable solution;

­The belief that cooperation instead of confrontation will produce mutually acceptable solutions;

­The belief that both parents are valuable and have insights and notions which are worthy to be heard and considered; and

­The belief that some solutions will need to transcend both parents special interests and concerns because those solutions are better for the restructuring family as a whole.

A divorce mediator sees the family as being in a restructuring process, where all parties are going through a reorganizing life event and simply need assistance in coming up with their own solutions. Not surprisingly, research has found that parents are much more likely to follow their own mediate settlement plan than parents who try to settle their differences through the adversarial system.

Mediation allows for the shift of attention from past relationship issues to current and future custodial and parenting plan issues. It provides parents the opportunity to resolve their issues among themselves without the adversarial process tearing them apart emotionally and financially.

The mediation process typically has five (5) phases which follow below:
First Phase: Initially there are the obligatory introductions and a basic orientation to the mediation process and procedures, the setting of ground rules and the outlining of initial joint goals. During this First Phase the nonthreatening environment boundaries are established. It is during this First Phase that the divorce mediator joins with both parents and establishes trust with each of them.

Second Phase: During this phrase the parties start sharing relevant information about their specific issues. This disclosure process allows the mediator to understand the family dynamics and the level of family functioning. During this stage, the wants, needs, desires and goals of both parents are presented and some explanations allowed as to why those issues are so important to that parent.

Third Phase: This is where the real work (the art of mediation as I call it) truly begins. During this phase the parties start working through issues, practice active listening, learn to compromise, and learn to negotiate without losing their personal power.

Fourth Phase: During this phase, the initial agreements are drafted into tentative agreements for both parents to visually see what their agreements look like on paper in legalese (court language). These initial agreements are then discussed and defined further.

Fifth Phase: During this final phase the divorce agreement is reviewed and approved by the respective attorneys, refined and modified as needed and then finalized by the parents.

Mediation will work for motivated parents. Parents who do not want a third disinterested party (the judge) to make decisions about their lives and the lives of their children. However, it also takes a fairly mature parent to actually come to an agreement. Putting aside hurt feelings and the desire to get even, not attempting to pay back the other parent for their perceived wrongs, and other such feelings and notions must be put on the back burner for mediation to work. For those who can make mediation work, it is far better than allowing a disinterested and totally uninvolved judge from making so many serious decisions about your family and your restructuring process.

Divorce mediation will typically save you a lot of money in attorney fees and time off work for court appearances (many mediating sessions are done in the evenings, after normal working hours). It will also save on the emotional and other stressors that typically go along with the adversarial process.

Mediation is part education. In many cases you and the ex will learn new ways of communicating and new ways to work out problem areas - ways which will assist you is settling future disputes without the need for the adversarial court process. As stated earlier, studies have also shown that mediated agreements are more likely to be followed by both parents and therefore less disruptions for the children, now and into the future.

Mediation is generally accepted as being successful to the extent it results in a voluntary settlement which is accepted as equitable by both parties, their attorneys and the mediator.

By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org
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The Collaborative Divorce Approach

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A new non-adversarial divorce process is sweeping the country. This new paradigm is known as collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members.

Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court process that assists husbands and wives to dissolve their marriage in a compassionate, practical and informed way, while proceeding at their own pace - not based on the court’s schedule.

Collaborative divorce is a process that supports the entire family and provides for a smooth transition for all family members. This method puts together a professional team for each couple who agree to use the process. Just as in the traditional adversarial process, both husband and wife choose an attorney to represent them; however, these attorneys have been specially-trained in the collaborative process.

Joining the team are two or three mental health professionals, one of whom is retained by each spouse as their coach, and one who is hired as the child specialist - serving as the voice of the children. Rounding off the team (if needed) is the financial specialist, who is a certified financial planner, or in some cases a certified public accountant. The attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists have received specialized training in the collaborative divorce process.

In the traditional adversarial divorce method, many parents use the process as a therapeutic tool to heal or sooth their pain, to justify their actions, or to seek vindication for the perceived “wrong” of the other parent, all of which become powerful emotional weapons to be used to “win at all costs” - and cost it does, a lot, both emotionally and financially.

In the collaborative process, instead of paying their attorneys to conduct research, discovery and trial preparation to “battle” the other spouse, the parties spend their money on resolving the issues constructively and fairly with the cooperative assistance of their attorneys and other team members. The team is not only committed to keep the parties out of court, they are also there to help the husband and wife transition their marriage into two households in a peaceful, intelligent and restorative manner.

Therefore, rather than spending the parties’ resources in numerous court appearances, which have the potential to embitter spouses to exaggerate and exacerbate their differences, the collaborative approach can be less expensive and far less stressful.

The inclusion of the education and information team approach promotes positive healing for all family members, which provides the parties with the opportunity to make the most informed and creative decisions regarding their children. It allows the parties to make intelligent informed decisions regarding the division of their property and the distribution of future support, which will affect the financial future of all family members.

Collaborative divorce is a process which puts the parties directly in charge of their own affairs, a process not typically available under the traditional adversarial method. The adversarial process pits the two attorneys against each other. Then the judge, with no prior knowledge of the family or family dynamics, will make a decision which will affect the entire family for the rest of their lives.

In the collaborative model, power and control is maintained by the family, benefitting all family members by taking into account the uniqueness of each family member.

Comparing Collaborative vs. Adversarial Divorce:

Each of the professionals on the Collaborative team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.

The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.

The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.

Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process is much less expensive. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.

Key Benefits of the Collaborative Divorce Process:

Mutually created resolutions.

Mutually satisfying resolutions.

Durable agreements.

New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues.

Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions.

Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.


How does the Collaborative Process Maximize Financial Resources?

Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances.

The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions.

Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed.

Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems.

The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation.

The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court.

The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.

BY: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org

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Divorce, custody, and Family court...A National Epidemic

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I was first introduced to the family court a few years ago when a family member was in his third go-around with the Family Court system. Every time his ex-wife and her attorney thought there was another chance to extract more money out of him, he would be called back into court. He is the father of three little girls and would do just about anything keep them, and it seems that his love for his children are exactly what the family court system and attorneys were preying on. I witnessed first hand how the family court system contains some kind of intentional design and implementation to be purposely confusing and frustrating, and how it leaves you at the mercy of an attorney and a biased system that will do everything in their power to extract as much money out of you as possible. I have met plenty of honest, hard working men who have every right to enjoy custody, or joint custody of their children and have spent over $300,000 fighting for that right. There are many others I’ve met who have lost in family court due to the simple fact that they did not have enough money to fight for their god given right to be a parent and father to their children.

It’s kind of funny how in the sate of California a divorce attorney is more expensive than a criminal attorney. Maybe that is because the divorce rate in California is reported to be as high as 75%, compared to the national average of 50%. It behooves the family court system to operate like an automotive car company. They now design engines that you cannot work on by yourself, and manufacture special tools that you must have before you can replace parts on your car and you can only buy these parts at the manufacturer’s dealerships. It is the life-support system of the entire capitalist animal. The sad part about the family court system is that children and society are suffering at the hands of this mental manipulation. Children are being used as bargaining chips in the battle created by family law and divorce attorneys.

When children are involved in a divorce, attorneys will often advise their clients to charge the other party with a slue of accusation’s like sexual abuse or physical violence. Lawyers are telling their clients to lie to get an ex parte order against the other party. This is often then used at trial to gain custody, property, attorney's fees, and child support. Judges often know lawyers use this tactic, but allow it to continue. The rules of professional conduct prohibit lawyers from doing these things but in reality these rules are not enforced. Family court judges turn a blind eye to lawyer misconduct and allow lawyers who have the moral flexibility to continue to practice law in family courts. The courts need to pay attention to these accusations but, also need to punish parties found guilty of lying to the court in order to take advantage of the protective system. Often, like in the state of Missouri, ethical standards stated in the rules of professional conduct are ignored. Trial judges will refer ethical complaints to the Chief Disciplinary Counsel. The Disciplinary Counsel then refuses to consider any complaints while the case is open and refers the matter back to the trial judge, and no one hears about the compliant.

The system and the process as a whole does not heal...it hurts! Child custody battles fuel domestic violence. You have a family unit that one day is law abiding and functioning in society, and the next day is held hostage by the family court system and attorneys. Going through the family court process can take years, especially with no laws governing the attorneys’ behavior. A divorce attorney can take a retainer that is sometimes as much as $15,000 and then deceide to drop the client. They might also not do anything to prepare for the case or, with less than a week before trial, drop the case, leaving the client stranded while still keeping the retainer. If that isn’t enough, in some states you cannot even speak to the family court judge. This is the judge who is making a decision that will effect you and your children for the rest of your life. How is this fair?

Many times a lawyer will ask the court that one party pay the legal fees of the other party. Usually the working party pays for the non-working party... meaning mostly men. In this situation, the working spouse has to pay both lawyers fees, basically supplying the money to pay for his own destruction. With "someone else" paying the bill, there are no controls on spending except what is imposed by the court. And the courts aren't imposing spending limits. How is this fair?

It is no surprise that the scales of justice are titled in favor of the mother. They are that way partly for safety and in some ways for good reason but, this is greatly abused. The Family courts must always put the needs of families ahead of the profits of divorce attorneys and the need to feed the family court cash cow.

By: Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org

Related Divorce content

Divorce support

Dedicated Fathers, child custody, and Divorce

Dear Friend,

Since you are reading this, chances are, you, a close friend, or maybe even a family member are involved in the family court process, child custody battle, or engaged in a divorce. I want to assure you first and foremost...you are not alone.

Odds are you have been thrown into a world you do not understand. I have been where you are and I do understand. As someone who went through an emotional divorce process and child custody battle over 25 years ago, I understand just how confusing, frustrating and uncertain your divorce will be. For me, it was the hardest time of my life. I was frustrated, hurt, confused, and very anxious. I had no idea where to begin,and I had no idea what I was up against. I felt lost and alone.

Then, I met Mr. Rod Bivings, a father who started the childrens rights organization “United Fathers of America.” Rod too had been a Dedicated Father - a daddy who had been relegated to a visiting figure in his own kids’ lives. As he called it, he was “visiting uncle” to his kids, no longer viewed as a daddy even to his own children.

Rod gave me the education and information I needed to understand child custody issues and my fathers rights. He demystified the family court process and prepared me to confront my child custody issues, and my divorce. But more importantly, Rod helped me understand I was no longer alone, just as I am here now letting you know…you are not alone.

Having said all of that, I decided to dedicate the rest of my life to not only helping other parents organize their cases, but also helping them stay involved in all aspects of their children’s lives. As you read about Dedicated Fathers, let me reassure you again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE - there are thousands of other Dedicated Fathers out there just like you - just as anxious, just as scared about their futures, and just as confused by a system that constantly appears to be working against them.

With over 25 years of experience in the trenches, I have assisted tens of thousands of dedicated parents navigate through the maze of the family court system. Over eighty-percent (80%) of all family court litigants represent themselves. The Dedicated Fathers audio book series is a low cost alternative to high priced attorneys. There is no other self-help source in the marketplace that encompasses, not only the family court system, but also equally important, the emotional needs of both parents and children during the family restructuring process.

What kind of people represent themselves in Family Court?

Most people represent themselves because they can’t afford an attorney. Some people
represent themselves because they have been represented by attorneys in the past
and believe they can represent their own interests. The reality is many cases do
require an attorney. Use your best judgment and some guidelines to determine the
best course for your case. Remember….whether you hire an attorney or not, it is your
responsibility to keep your case organized and to keep yourself up to date.

The Dedicated Fathers Audio CD Series will teach you about how the Family Court system is designed to exaggerate and exacerbate any difficult situation between you and the other parent. How it REQUIRES both parents to tear the other apart. How it can take on a life of its own, and how it totally destroys family values - yet sustains itself because it is a multi-billion dollar business. You heard me right, family law is a multi-billion dollar industry in America.

Family court is all about money.

The Dedicated Fathers Audio CD Series will show you that information is power, and that you will need all the power you can get. It will give you the education and information you need to make the right decisions for your situation, it will place you in a more powerful position when confronting the adversarial family court system. You will clearly see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

The Dedicated Fathers audio series, will help to empower you to confront the family court system. The seven CD audio series contains over 7 hours of invaluable information from my 25 years of experience in the family court system. You will be not only be equipped with the necessary information to even the tilted scales in court, but you will actually minimize the amount you will spend on an attorney...which you may need...and is one of the most expensive parts of the process.

A family law specialist attorney will cost you $300 per hour or perhaps, even more. I know this audio program and workbook will save you far more than just one (1) hour of time with your attorney. In fact, this program will pay for itself and help you choose the right attorney, which in itself will probably save you not only money, but time, energy and frustration as well.

Think about it, for less than the cost of one hour with a family law specialist, you can have the education and information constantly at your fingertips to empower you to take charge of you and your children’s future. Presenting yourself, your family information, and your case history in an organized and easy to understand manner to your attorney and to the court is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Why pay an attorney thousands of dollars to extract information from you about your case? Why not have a detailed case history ready to present to your attorney? This audio series will inform you on everything from how to dress in court, to what to do if your spouse is making false statements about you.

I have assisted thousands of families over the years and it has been my passion to share my experiences, my knowledge, and the information that I know will help you and your case. I know this series will help you better understand the family court system and guide you through the maze of the family court process.

You now have an idea of what you are facing, which leads us back to purpose of
The Dedicated Fathers Audio Book Series: To give you education and information based on my over 25 years of experience of working both inside and outside of the adversarial family court system.

Education and Information are necessary companions when going to battle within the Family Court system. Education about the family court process is the first step in regaining control of our lives and taking charge of our futures. Information about the family court system is essential to being successful, just as information about our jobs is essential to being successful at work.

Education - Education about the family court process to help you to regain control over your life and to assist you in taking charge of your future and your children’s future with you.
Information - Information about the family court system which will assist you, in being successful in your attempts for justice, fairness and equitable treatment within the family court system.

As a therapist, I can tell you research has shown that the death of an immediate family member is the number one most stressful event in a persons life.

Believe it or not, the second most stressful event in a persons life is involvement in the adversarial family court process.

And the third most stressful event in a persons life is a radical change of employment.

Let me give you an example:

I had a client whom I will call Bill. Bill came to me after being served divorce papers from his wife. They had 2 small children, about 5 and 7 years old. Regardless of the relationship between Bill and his wife, Bill had always been a very dedicated father. The divorce papers included an order that Bill was to leave the family home by 7:00 PM that night, and that he could not return to the family home. Therefore, within 24 hours, Bill went from being a husband and a father, to being kicked out of his house, and out of his children’s lives. Bill then had to take time off of work due to meetings with his attorney, court appearances, depositions, and other family court requirements. He missed so much work that his employer eventually fired him.

Now Bill was not only hit with the family court process, the 2nd most stressful time in a persons life, he was also hit with a radical change of employment, the 3rd most stressful time in a persons life. In less than a 4 month period of time, Bill was now confronting 2 of the top 3 life stressors a person will face. Through the months of the family court process, Bill was eventually allowed visitation with his children. Child support and all of the other issues were eventually settled; HOWEVER, by the time it was over - Bill was no longer the same person. He had gone from a 24 / 7 husband, father, provider and protector - to an unemployed, deeply hurt, angry and frustrated man.

Like Bill, your involvement in the adversarial family court system will include a roller-coaster ride of emotions (some of which you may have never experienced before), in addition there will be financial constraints and stresses, there will be the strain of trying to balancing your home, your work, and your need to be an active participant in your family court case.

Involvement in the adversarial family court system not only includes the confusing and mystical legal processes and procedures, it involves an entire system which is built and sustained on making your relationship with the other parent worse, not better. This will not be an easy time. When you come out of the family court process, you will clearly understand why your involvement in a divorce and child custody case are the second most stressful event you will ever experience.

In all of my experience I have found it is imperative that fathers stay true to themselves, never compromising their integrity or moral values which are sometimes lost while navigating the family court system. The Family Court System doesn’t care about you...and neither does your attorney...what they do care about is getting as much money out of you as possible.

Many of the anxious and confused feelings we experience are caused by a family court system that does not operate by any rules which we have previously experienced. The family court system is a world unto its own, with its own rules and procedures. The most difficult facet of this new world is that the judge in family court is given wide discretionary powers unlike any other judge in any other area of law. In family court, there is nothing to stop the biases, prejudices, and personal beliefs of the judge from influencing their decisions.

Remember Bill, who we talked about earlier who had gone from a 24/7 husband, father, provider and protector - to an unemployed, deeply hurt, angry and frustrated man? Bill had come into my office after being totally devastated by the system. We worked on rehabilitating his image and his case for court. We did some case management and case history organization. We then outlined a game plan and took our plan to an attorney.

I also counseled with Bill to help turn his thinking around. Armed with information and education, Bill’s thinking went from victim or reactive, to confident and pro-active. With this new way of thinking and a more positive attitude, Bill was able to find a new better paying job. Bill was one of the lucky ones. Lucky because he gained the information and education he needed to put himself in a more powerful position, both with his family court case, and with his new employment.

Bill had endured. He had not given up. He discovered he was not alone.
Like Bill…………you are no longer alone.

Always,

A Dedicated Father

www.dedicatedfathers.org

www.unitedfathers.org