Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

1. Learn to love yourself. You are just as deserving of your love and respect as anyone else is. When you learn to love yourself, you treat yourself better because you know that you are worthy of it.

2. Realize that you deserve only the best that life has to offer. When you know that you deserve the best, you’ll go out and create the best for yourself.

3. Set a goal for yourself and then do what you need to do to reach it. No matter how small the goal, reaching it will make you feel very good about yourself.

4. Learn a new skill. Learning is how we grow and assure ourselves that we are alive and capable.

5. Take time just for yourself every day. Even 15 minutes a day is enough to re-charge your battery. This is not selfish; it is self-preservation.

6. Do something creative. Find a hobby that you enjoy and just do it. Creativity just feels good.

7. Tell the people that you care about how you feel. Never pass up the chance to tell someone that you love him or her. This way, you will feel the pain of regret.

8. Let go of the past. It is gone forever. Learning to live in the here and now is invaluable in making every day the best.

9. Let go of one grievance or prejudice. We all have them, and they are just black holes on our soul.

10. Laugh every single day. One good belly laugh is healing. If you can’t see anything to laugh at, you aren’t looking hard enough.

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QUOTES AND SAYINGS FOR A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK

QUOTES AND SAYINGS FOR A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK

The following is a list of quotes and sayings that can and will positively effect your future. By changing your thinking you can change your life.

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• Not all who wander are lost.

• Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.

• Don’t trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you.

• “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him you friend”--Abraham Lincoln

• If you plant a tree, don’t keep pulling it up by the roots to see how it’s growing.

• Adversity tempers the spirit.

• Doing the right thing requires courage.

• Your Choice: Victim or Victor.

• Surround yourself with the precious few who believe in you.

• Winning like losing, is a choice

• Belief in yourself far outweighs the doubts of others.

• Recipe for life–someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to.

• Live in harmony with your highest values and your innermost convictions. Never compromise.


• You must become the person you want to be on the inside before you see the appearance of this person on the outside.

• Develop a benevolent world view; look for the good in the people and circumstances around you.

• If you conduct yourself as though you expect to be successful and happy, you will seldom be disappointed.

• “Do what you can, with what you have, right where you are”--Theodore Roosevelt.

• Circumstances do not make the man; they merely reveal him to himself.

• It is when you finally learn that your fears are all in your mind that your life begins.

• Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.

• Failure is merely another opportunity to more intelligently begin again.

• You are surrounded right now by unlimited opportunities disguised as insurmountable problems.

• “When a man begins to realize the truth about himself, it lessens his desire to reform his neighbors.”--Mark Twain

• Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of the faith is to see what we believe.


Visualize success. Picture yourself succeeding. You will succeed.

Posted By: Dedicated Fathers

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Thank you

divorce mediation part 3 - court connected

DIVORCE MEDIATION (PART 3)
Court Connected Mandatory Mediation

Part 3 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
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www.unitedfathers.org


Many states now have court connected mandatory divorce mediation (sometimes referred to as conciliation or conciliation court - meaning an agreement under friendly terms). Court mandated divorce mediation is a non-adversarial process where a neutral third party meets with the disputing parents to assist them in settling their issues and coming to an agreement.

Court mediator’s are mental health professionals who typically have at least a Masters Degree, with extensive experience in the field of marriage, family and child counseling and/or social work. Mediators are specifically trained in conflict resolution skills and the process of mediation. Court mandated divorce mediators are court employees not paid by either party. They assist the parents in focusing on the best interests of their children, to deal with the present situation and developing plans to deal with that situation.

One of the main ideas of mandatory mediation is to help the parents see the positive issues each parent comes up with, without blaming or shaming the other parent. Although the needs of the children come first, mediation is also sensitive to the needs of both parents.

The primary purpose of mandatory court connected mediation is to allow the parents the time and opportunity to develop their own agreements before direct court intervention is necessary. This process frees up the court’s time, which is already at a premium.

Although mandated to go to divorce mediation, the parties are not mandated to actually mediate and certainly are not mandated to come to any agreements - unless they want to.

Mandatory court connected mediation is NOT marriage counseling or reconciliation counseling designed to get the parents back together.

My background is in just such a mediation setting. In the early 80's I was a court mediator in the downtown Los Angeles Conciliation Court. Based on that experience, I offer the following to you:

In mediation, as in all areas of your life, act, do not react, to the situation. Personal attacks and character assassinations are neither warranted nor productive. You are in mediation to talk about the needs and your interpretation of the best interests of your children, which will include your desires as to a parenting plan and child custody. You are NOT there to “settle the score” with the other parent.

If you sense you are being verbally chastised or abused during the divorce mediation process, it is up to you to ensure such actions are stopped. Reacting to that type of behavior will only escalate the behavior and serve to sabotage any meaningful mediation or negotiation. If the verbal abuse or chastisement continues, excuse yourself and leave the mediation room. Thank the mediator for their time and explain to them that you are not there to settle old relationship issues and that you personally have no need to sit there and take verbal abuse, accusations, threats or derogatory comments.

You have the inalienable right (a right which may not be taken away or transferred to another person) to personal boundaries of behavior which are acceptable to you and you do not give up those rights just because you are in Court Connected Mandatory Mediation.

There are two types of Court Connected Mandatory Mediation. Some court’s allow for totally confidential mediation wherein if the party’s do not make an agreement, all that happened in the mediation process is kept confidential and away from the court. Other court’s allow for a recommendation mediation policy wherein at the conclusion of the mediation process, the mediator makes a recommendation to the court as to what the mediator sees as being the best solution for the family. In future articles I will explain the basic differences between confidential mediation and recommendation mediation.

(continued)

BY: Marvin Chapman

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To Hire an Attorney or not to Hire an Attorney (Part 2)

TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part Two of Two Parts

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For more related divorce information


It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.

In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.

If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.

Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?

Answer:
Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford a family law attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of a family law attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).

Reality is that many cases require a family law attorney. An example of a divorce case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).

However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts

The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.


If Hiring a family law attorney

1. One of the best ways to choose an attorney is to either get a recommendation from your local father’s rights organization or check with family, friends and co-workers. Hiring a family law attorney is just the opposite of hiring a criminal attorney. If hiring a criminal attorney, you want the best legal mind you can afford. Family law is just the opposite. Family law is almost totally subjective feelings and biases. In family law you are hiring a personality, someone you can get along with and who is passionate about your case and your goals.

2. Nothing is worse than a personality clash with the attorney you hired to protect you. This is your and your children’s future. During the initial consultation you will need to make a sound intelligent decision based heavily on whether or not you feel and believe you can work as a team member with the attorney. Remember, your attorney is in the driver’s seat and you need to feel very comfortable with them at the controls of your future. Therefore, when interviewing a family law attorney, you may want to consider some of the following Things to look for in an attorney... and What to avoid when hiring an attorney....

A. Things to look for in a family law attorney...


1) Is the attorney friendly, passionate and non-intimidating;

2) Will the attorney return your phone calls within a “reasonable” time;

3) Does the attorneys’ recommendations make common sense;

4) What does the attorney charge per hour and will the attorney bill you
monthly so you can easily see on a regular basis what the attorney is
costing you;

5) Are credit card payments accepted;

6) How strongly does the family law attorney support alternatives to traditional
litigation,such as outside mediation or collaborative divorce;

7) How much experience does the attorney have in family law;

8) Does the attorney specialize in family law. Just as you would not want a
general doctor to perform open-heart surgery on you, you do not want a
general attorney performing your family law case;

9) Make an agreement with your attorney in writing on your mutually agreeable
and attainable goals. To avoid misunderstandings always put both large and
small requests in writing and keep a copy for yourself (again, stay
organized);

10) Get in touch and stay in touch with a local support organization for
support, encouragement and to ensure your case is proceeding according to
your wishes; and

11) Ensure you will be given a copy of any and all documents filed on your
behalf or served on your attorney relevant to your case.


B. What to avoid when hiring a family law attorney...

1) No matter what, avoid a “divorce mill” type of operation where a group of
people are grinding out paperwork one after another and an attorney just
picks up the paperwork and goes to court. This is not an assembly line
operation, this is your life, your future and your future relationship with
your kids. This is serious business and you will want to treat it that way;

2) Avoid any and all attorneys who tell you their retainer is “non-refundable;”

3) Be suspicious and avoid any attorney who appears overly aggressive and any
attorney who “guarantees” you a certain order. Family law is an extremely
subjective area of law and no one can possibly guarantee anything;

4) Do not share an attorney with the other parent. If your case requires an
attorney, then get your own attorney to protect you and your children’s
legal rights;

5) Whatever it takes, avoid financial problems between you and your attorney.
If for any reason you are unable to honor your financial agreement with your
attorney, immediately request a meeting and work out a new agreement. You
need your attorney playing attorney, not banker;

6) Avoid letting your attorney talk you into giving up something which you
feel is important, just so the attorney can expedite the case. Be
realistic and reasonable, not foolish. Remember, you may have to live with
the results for a long time, a little extra time now can save you a lot of
heartache later. Read all legal papers you are asked to sign, understand
them clearly and completely before signing and always keep a copy for
yourself. If you find unclear language or something that is subject to any
kind of interpretation, ask your attorney to have it rewritten so it is
explicitly clear;

7) If your attorney states you do not need to be present at a hearing, make
sure you find out why you are not needed. If in doubt, have your attorney
put it in writing that you do not need attend and that he/she will make no
agreements without your consent. However, the general rule of thumb is that
you need to attend ALL court proceedings. This is you and your children’s
future and you need to be there, you need and must know what is going on in
your case;

8) After each meeting with your attorney (whether in person or over the phone)
write down what was said, accomplished, promised or planned. Mail a copy of
your written understanding of the meeting to your attorney to memorialize
that the meeting took place and what was accomplished. This will assist
your attorney in keeping on track and will remind the attorney of what was
promised;

9) Avoid telling the attorney how much money you have or how much you are
willing to spend on your case. The attorney’s focus should be about your
case, not how much money you have available to give him/her. If the
attorney talks too much about money - leave the office. An attorney
whose main focus is the money is only feeling you out to see
how much they can get from you up front - how much they can
get for a retainer;

10) Make copies of all important papers to give to your attorney. Avoid giving
originals to your attorney unless absolutely necessary. If absolutely
necessary, ensure you have a copy and assurances the originals will be
returned to you upon completion of your case (unless used as Exhibits
whereupon the originals may stay in the court file);

11) Avoid calling the attorney for every little thing that happens, it will get
very expensive. Attorneys charge by the hour, with every 6 minutes being
1/10th of an hour (Example: If your attorney charges $200 per hour
and you talk to them for 10 minutes; that call will cost you
$40). Many times it may be better to contact your father’s rights
organization first as they can usually answer many (if not most) of your
questions just based on their experience with other fathers over the years.
This will reduce the number of questions and the length of time with your
attorney, resulting in lower attorney fees for you;

12) Avoid keeping an attorney whom you feel is not representing your interests
or your children’s interests fairly or properly. In other words, do not be
afraid to fire your attorney; and

13) Your attorney was hired to do a job about which you know very little. You
should be able to contact your attorney and expect an understandable answer
within a reasonable period of time. Avoid keeping an attorney who will not
return your calls within a reasonable time.

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By: Marvin Chapman

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LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT

LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT

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Each state has its own particular laws, customs, precedent setting cases and local rules when it comes to divorce and child custody.. With this caution in mind, the following is an overall education with some general information on issues you may want to ponder when heading into the family court arena.

For many people their first experience with any court is when they experience family court. For many people the family court, divorce, and child custody experience can be devastating. Not only can you lose a good portion of your income, it is also the place where the parents learn when, where and how they will “be allowed” to have time with their children.

After watching numerous television shows featuring attorneys and the court system, many people have preconceived notions about fairness in family courts. The reality is, like any court today, the calendar is packed and relatively little time is devoted to each individual case. Therefore, justice and fairness almost always give way to expediency, which in family law means the orders will be based on biases, prejudices and "feelings," rather than fact, equity and fairness. As a result, both mothers and fathers are usually greatly discouraged and dismayed when they exit the family court system.

The first notion a person needs to understand is that family law is a game. Let’s take a look at just two games:

1. If you walk into your local convenience store and pick up a bag of chips and walk out without paying for them, it’s called “stealing.”

Action: Stealing
Results: Time in jail

2. If you are on first base in a baseball game and you run down to second base, this is also called “stealing” (assuming you are safe at second base).

Action: Stealing
Results: You’re a hero

In both of these games the “Action” is the same: “Stealing.”

3. Question: Why such different “Results” when the “Action” is the same?

4. Answer: Different game - Different sets of rules.

In the game of life, stealing is a crime which will land you in jail. In the game of baseball, stealing is advantages and will make you a hero.

Treating the “game” of family court with the same rules as the “game” of life (truth, justice, honesty, integrity, fairness and equality) would be like playing baseball with the same rules as the game of life (refusing to steal a base because it is against your principles to steal).

Just as it would not make sense to play the game of baseball by the rules in the game of life, it does not make sense to play the game of family law by the rules of the game of life.

You need to know the game you are playing, you need to know about family court.

Family court has also been referred to as being like a game of chess: You need to anticipate the other players move BEFORE they make it. Just like in chess, never, ever play defensively - you’ll be a guaranteed “loser” in family court if you start playing defensively.

Preparation is the most important key to playing the game of family court. Organizing and managing your divorce or child custody case must be your top priority. Do not expect or assume your attorney (if you have one) will be organized or particularly adept at case management. Remember, attorneys went to law school to become litigators to “win” for their clients. You need to stay on top of all issues in your case. You must know and understand your case inside and out.

Family court is a multi-billion dollar business and a big part of the “game” is money. Find this hard to believe? Visit your nearest family court. You will discover the judge sits on the bench for about six (6) hours a day, with as few as 20, to as many as 45 or more cases to hear each day. This translates into about 15 minutes per case.

This literally means your financial future (support) and the amount of time you are allowed to be with your children (custody and visitation) may be decided in 15 minutes or less. If anyone really cared about you, your ex or your children, could they make significant determinations about your life in 15 minutes or less? Again, if you find this notion hard to believe, simply visit your nearest family court, watch a divorce or child custody hearing and see what happens.

While it is true more time is allowed for final “trials;” in most states, the only thing “final” about the final trial is that your status is changed from being married to being single, and your property has been divided. Almost all other issues are open for later interpretations, modifications and future court hearings.

Generally, the issues of custody, visitation and child support are almost always open for future modifications - and those are the hearings which last 15 minutes or less. Again, if someone really cared about you and your reorganizing family, could they make major decisions about your life in as little as 15 minutes?

If money were not the bottom line in family court, it would have been taken out of the adversarial system long ago. Comparatively, there is little money in education, information, mediation, negotiations and collaboration. As in every other area of life, when money becomes more important than people, then truth, justice, honesty, fairness, equality and freedom are sacrificed. Such is the case in family court.

In family court, the family unit, the restructuring of the family, and the needs of individual family members are all sacrificed on the alter of making money. Greed is a great motivator.

Currently, we are stuck with family court being under the umbrella of the adversarial system. Since this is your life, your relationship with your children, and your financial future being decided, you need to retain the role of decision-maker in your case at all times. Although you may retain an attorney or have someone whom you trust as coach, your primary job is to make decisions about your life.

NEVER FORGET

Only you, the other parent and your children will have to live with the final results from family court.
Either way the attorneys and all court related personnel will get paid.

By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

www.unitedfathers.org

Family Court: Steps in preparing for your case

Steps in Preparing Your Case

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Step 1: KEEPING A JOURNAL

Immediately upon knowing you will be going into family court (or when you think you are heading into family court), one of the first and most important things you need to start doing is keeping journal of all significant events concerning you, your children, your finances and the other parent.

More often than not, each time you go to your divorce or child custody hearings you will need to provide a statement as to specifically what you want and justification for why you should get it. This written statement is called your “declaration.” The information in your declaration is taken directly from your written journal as outlined above.

In family court, some judges will not listen to what you have to say verbally. They will rely totally on what you have written in your papers and what the other parent has written in their responsive papers. Therefore, writing your declaration may be a very critical part of whether or not you get what you are asking for, which makes your journal entries extremely important to your case.

Step 2: PREPARING TO WRITE YOUR DECLARATION

Stay away from bringing up negative issues about the other parent, it usually makes you and not the other parent, look bad in the eyes of the court. However, many times in response to issues raised by the other parent, you will need to respond by bring up negative issues. Likewise, many times the only way to show a substantial change of circumstances affecting the best interest of your child is to bring up negative issues about the other parent. However, be very careful in the way you bring up those negative issues.

Only bring up negative issues IF you can show, demonstrate or prove how it directly affects your child or your relationship with your child - otherwise, leave it alone.

The cardinal rule of bringing up negative issues is that you always, always, always, label the negative issues as “CONCERNS.” Example: “I am concerned that every time I go to pick up our child, the other parent is never at home. I believe this confuses our child and allows our child to believe I have not come to see them and do not care about them, which is simply not true and not in our child’s best interests.”

Step 3: WRITING YOUR DECLARATION

Your declaration is simply your very clearly written statement of what has happened, including all dates whenever possible, which clearly provide the court with the reasons and justifications for the order you want the court to make. Every request you make needs to have a reason or justification for it. The judge knows absolutely nothing about you or your case. You need to bring the judge up to speed about your case very quickly (they don’t have much time to review each case, maybe 5 to 10 minutes at most).

Whenever possible, attach proof or evidence which supports what you are writing. If you do not have the proof or evidence, then state where such evidence is located. Some ideas as to proof or evidence may be pictures of you and your children enjoying your time together, statements from witnesses who have seen you interact with your children, time cards showing when you actually work, letters from teachers or church leaders as to your involvement with school and church. Get creative, but be able to back up your claims.

Step 4: THE COURT FILE

You will want to ensure you have an exact copy of the court file, which you can get from the County Clerk at your family courthouse. Your court file is needed so whomever is assisting you can see what has happened so far in your case.

Also, there are many times wherein something which has happened before will prevent you from bringing up the same issues again - a review of your court file will let you know this information. Additionally, there are many times wherein new or different paperwork is required based on what has happened before - again, a review of your court file will let you know this information.

Therefore, you will want to keep and maintain an up-to-date court file at all times.

Step 5: CHILD SUPPORT AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT (ALIMONY)

It is in your best interests to start getting copies of all canceled checks made for any kind of support you have paid and ensure you make copies of both the front and the back of those checks. Additionally, ensure you put on the check itself on the bottom left hand “comments” section that the check is for “child support” or “spousal support.”

Remember: IF YOU CAN’T PROVE YOU HAVE PAID IT, YOU OWE IT !

Never, ever pay any type of support in cash. Why? Because there is no way to prove the other parent received the money if you do not have a copy of the other parent’s signature and deposit notations from your canceled check.

Step 6: MAINTAIN ORGANIZED FILES OF EVERYTHING

You will eventually have numerous files about your divorce or child custody case which you will want to maintain and keep organized at all times. Some of the files you will want to keep are as follows:

A) One file for all correspondence with the other parent kept in chronological
order;

B) One file for all correspondence with your attorney and/or paralegal kept in
chronological order;

C) One file for all correspondence with the other parent’s attorney kept in
chronological order;

D) One file for all correspondence with the state agency collecting support
payments kept in chronological order; and

E) One file of all proof of all payments made for support (including both the front and the back of canceled checks).

Step 7: CONSULTATION WITH AN ATTORNEY AND/OR PARALEGAL

Armed with all of the information as outlined in Step 1 through Step 6 above, you are now ready to consult with an attorney, paralegal and or support organization about your divorce or child custody case.


One last thing:

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until
it is faced." ---James Baldwin

By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org

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The Collaborative Divorce Approach

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A new non-adversarial divorce process is sweeping the country. This new paradigm is known as collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members.

Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court process that assists husbands and wives to dissolve their marriage in a compassionate, practical and informed way, while proceeding at their own pace - not based on the court’s schedule.

Collaborative divorce is a process that supports the entire family and provides for a smooth transition for all family members. This method puts together a professional team for each couple who agree to use the process. Just as in the traditional adversarial process, both husband and wife choose an attorney to represent them; however, these attorneys have been specially-trained in the collaborative process.

Joining the team are two or three mental health professionals, one of whom is retained by each spouse as their coach, and one who is hired as the child specialist - serving as the voice of the children. Rounding off the team (if needed) is the financial specialist, who is a certified financial planner, or in some cases a certified public accountant. The attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists have received specialized training in the collaborative divorce process.

In the traditional adversarial divorce method, many parents use the process as a therapeutic tool to heal or sooth their pain, to justify their actions, or to seek vindication for the perceived “wrong” of the other parent, all of which become powerful emotional weapons to be used to “win at all costs” - and cost it does, a lot, both emotionally and financially.

In the collaborative process, instead of paying their attorneys to conduct research, discovery and trial preparation to “battle” the other spouse, the parties spend their money on resolving the issues constructively and fairly with the cooperative assistance of their attorneys and other team members. The team is not only committed to keep the parties out of court, they are also there to help the husband and wife transition their marriage into two households in a peaceful, intelligent and restorative manner.

Therefore, rather than spending the parties’ resources in numerous court appearances, which have the potential to embitter spouses to exaggerate and exacerbate their differences, the collaborative approach can be less expensive and far less stressful.

The inclusion of the education and information team approach promotes positive healing for all family members, which provides the parties with the opportunity to make the most informed and creative decisions regarding their children. It allows the parties to make intelligent informed decisions regarding the division of their property and the distribution of future support, which will affect the financial future of all family members.

Collaborative divorce is a process which puts the parties directly in charge of their own affairs, a process not typically available under the traditional adversarial method. The adversarial process pits the two attorneys against each other. Then the judge, with no prior knowledge of the family or family dynamics, will make a decision which will affect the entire family for the rest of their lives.

In the collaborative model, power and control is maintained by the family, benefitting all family members by taking into account the uniqueness of each family member.

Comparing Collaborative vs. Adversarial Divorce:

Each of the professionals on the Collaborative team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.

The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.

The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.

Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process is much less expensive. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.

Key Benefits of the Collaborative Divorce Process:

Mutually created resolutions.

Mutually satisfying resolutions.

Durable agreements.

New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues.

Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions.

Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.


How does the Collaborative Process Maximize Financial Resources?

Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances.

The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions.

Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed.

Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems.

The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation.

The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court.

The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.

BY: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org

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Affirmations and thoughts for growth

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Affirmations are solemn personal declarations that you hold and believe are true. While sometimes you may already believe in the truth of an affirmation, some affirmations can be used to change our thinking from that which is negative and self-defeating, into thinking that is positive and self-affirming. The affirmations and thoughts for growth found in this section are my personal affirmations which at one time were my salvation. Therefore, if you become discouragement and full of despair, you might want to read the following affirmations. In fact, you may want to do what I did, read them over and over again until you do actually start to believe in them.

Warning: Positive thoughts and positively impact your behaviors, positive behaviors can attract a multitude of people, out of a multitude of people, you just might discover the one person who can make your life full, joyful and fun again. Please feel free to add to this list as you come across those affirmations and thoughts for growth that are meaningful to you. We can never have enough positive self-talk, we already know the amount of negative stuff that gets in our brains every day.

Remember, if I do not affirm myself in my way, others surely will in their way.


“I would rather be criticized for doing that which I know to be right,
than to be praised for doing that which I know to be wrong.”
-Marvin L. Chapman

“Love is something that you can leave behind when you die. It’s that powerful.”
-John (Fire) Lame Dear, Rosebud Lakota

“Think you can, or think you can’t, either way you will be right.”
-Henry Ford

“We may misunderstand, but we do not mis-experience.”
-Vine Deloria, Jr., Standing Rock Sioux

“If you throw you head over the wall, your body will follow.”
-Quote found among father’s-in-law papers after he passed away

“Argument doesn’t pay, you don’t come home happy.”
-Oral Tradition, Hopi

“I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.”
-Booker T. Washington

“Crisis changes people and turns ordinary people into wiser or more
responsible ones.”
-Wilma P. Mankiller, Cherokee

“Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe
and enthusiastically act upon, must inevitably come to pass.”
-Paul J. Meyer

“Those who know how to play can easily leap over the adversaries of life.
And one who knows how to sing and laugh never brews mischief.”
-Proverb, Iglulik

“Try not to become a man of success, rather become a man of value.”
-Albert Einstein

“Not everything that is faced can be changed,
but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
-James Baldwin

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters,
compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Forgive the past. Live today with integrity, and the future will be kind to you.”
-Marlena Chapman

For more thoughts and affirmations visit www.unitedfathers.org
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By: Dedicated Fathers