TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part Two of Two Parts
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For more related divorce information
It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?
In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.
In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.
If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.
Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?
Answer:
Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford a family law attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of a family law attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).
Reality is that many cases require a family law attorney. An example of a divorce case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).
However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts
The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.
If Hiring a family law attorney
1. One of the best ways to choose an attorney is to either get a recommendation from your local father’s rights organization or check with family, friends and co-workers. Hiring a family law attorney is just the opposite of hiring a criminal attorney. If hiring a criminal attorney, you want the best legal mind you can afford. Family law is just the opposite. Family law is almost totally subjective feelings and biases. In family law you are hiring a personality, someone you can get along with and who is passionate about your case and your goals.
2. Nothing is worse than a personality clash with the attorney you hired to protect you. This is your and your children’s future. During the initial consultation you will need to make a sound intelligent decision based heavily on whether or not you feel and believe you can work as a team member with the attorney. Remember, your attorney is in the driver’s seat and you need to feel very comfortable with them at the controls of your future. Therefore, when interviewing a family law attorney, you may want to consider some of the following Things to look for in an attorney... and What to avoid when hiring an attorney....
A. Things to look for in a family law attorney...
1) Is the attorney friendly, passionate and non-intimidating;
2) Will the attorney return your phone calls within a “reasonable” time;
3) Does the attorneys’ recommendations make common sense;
4) What does the attorney charge per hour and will the attorney bill you
monthly so you can easily see on a regular basis what the attorney is
costing you;
5) Are credit card payments accepted;
6) How strongly does the family law attorney support alternatives to traditional
litigation,such as outside mediation or collaborative divorce;
7) How much experience does the attorney have in family law;
8) Does the attorney specialize in family law. Just as you would not want a
general doctor to perform open-heart surgery on you, you do not want a
general attorney performing your family law case;
9) Make an agreement with your attorney in writing on your mutually agreeable
and attainable goals. To avoid misunderstandings always put both large and
small requests in writing and keep a copy for yourself (again, stay
organized);
10) Get in touch and stay in touch with a local support organization for
support, encouragement and to ensure your case is proceeding according to
your wishes; and
11) Ensure you will be given a copy of any and all documents filed on your
behalf or served on your attorney relevant to your case.
B. What to avoid when hiring a family law attorney...
1) No matter what, avoid a “divorce mill” type of operation where a group of
people are grinding out paperwork one after another and an attorney just
picks up the paperwork and goes to court. This is not an assembly line
operation, this is your life, your future and your future relationship with
your kids. This is serious business and you will want to treat it that way;
2) Avoid any and all attorneys who tell you their retainer is “non-refundable;”
3) Be suspicious and avoid any attorney who appears overly aggressive and any
attorney who “guarantees” you a certain order. Family law is an extremely
subjective area of law and no one can possibly guarantee anything;
4) Do not share an attorney with the other parent. If your case requires an
attorney, then get your own attorney to protect you and your children’s
legal rights;
5) Whatever it takes, avoid financial problems between you and your attorney.
If for any reason you are unable to honor your financial agreement with your
attorney, immediately request a meeting and work out a new agreement. You
need your attorney playing attorney, not banker;
6) Avoid letting your attorney talk you into giving up something which you
feel is important, just so the attorney can expedite the case. Be
realistic and reasonable, not foolish. Remember, you may have to live with
the results for a long time, a little extra time now can save you a lot of
heartache later. Read all legal papers you are asked to sign, understand
them clearly and completely before signing and always keep a copy for
yourself. If you find unclear language or something that is subject to any
kind of interpretation, ask your attorney to have it rewritten so it is
explicitly clear;
7) If your attorney states you do not need to be present at a hearing, make
sure you find out why you are not needed. If in doubt, have your attorney
put it in writing that you do not need attend and that he/she will make no
agreements without your consent. However, the general rule of thumb is that
you need to attend ALL court proceedings. This is you and your children’s
future and you need to be there, you need and must know what is going on in
your case;
8) After each meeting with your attorney (whether in person or over the phone)
write down what was said, accomplished, promised or planned. Mail a copy of
your written understanding of the meeting to your attorney to memorialize
that the meeting took place and what was accomplished. This will assist
your attorney in keeping on track and will remind the attorney of what was
promised;
9) Avoid telling the attorney how much money you have or how much you are
willing to spend on your case. The attorney’s focus should be about your
case, not how much money you have available to give him/her. If the
attorney talks too much about money - leave the office. An attorney
whose main focus is the money is only feeling you out to see
how much they can get from you up front - how much they can
get for a retainer;
10) Make copies of all important papers to give to your attorney. Avoid giving
originals to your attorney unless absolutely necessary. If absolutely
necessary, ensure you have a copy and assurances the originals will be
returned to you upon completion of your case (unless used as Exhibits
whereupon the originals may stay in the court file);
11) Avoid calling the attorney for every little thing that happens, it will get
very expensive. Attorneys charge by the hour, with every 6 minutes being
1/10th of an hour (Example: If your attorney charges $200 per hour
and you talk to them for 10 minutes; that call will cost you
$40). Many times it may be better to contact your father’s rights
organization first as they can usually answer many (if not most) of your
questions just based on their experience with other fathers over the years.
This will reduce the number of questions and the length of time with your
attorney, resulting in lower attorney fees for you;
12) Avoid keeping an attorney whom you feel is not representing your interests
or your children’s interests fairly or properly. In other words, do not be
afraid to fire your attorney; and
13) Your attorney was hired to do a job about which you know very little. You
should be able to contact your attorney and expect an understandable answer
within a reasonable period of time. Avoid keeping an attorney who will not
return your calls within a reasonable time.
www.dedicatedfathers.org
By: Marvin Chapman
Put yourself in a more powerful position.
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Friday, December 29, 2006
To Hire an Attorney or not to Hire an Attorney (Part 2)
To Hire or not To Hire an Attorney (Part 1)
TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part One of Two Parts
www.dedicatedfathers.org
Click here for more related stories
It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?
In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.
In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.
If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.
Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?
Answer:
Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford an attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of an attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).
Reality is that many cases require an attorney. An example of a case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).
However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts
The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.
If Going Pro Per / Pro Se (Representing Yourself)
1. If you can, get hooked up with a good nonprofit organization. The information and education about the local court system will be invaluable to you.
2. Visit the local family courthouse and observe the procedures in the courtroom. Divorce hearings are open to the public and you are allowed to go in and watch. Paternity actions are usually considered quasi-confidential hearings and therefore you probably would not be allowed to stay. However, the process and procedures are basically the same for both, so if you have a paternity action you can gain the information needed by observing a divorce hearing. While in the courtroom, take notes, study what is happening and why, check out how the judge reacts to certain questions or answers and observe communication styles of the different participants. If questions as to why you are there - tell them the truth, you have a hearing coming up and you wanted to see in advance what it was all about.
3. After the courtroom visit, meet with your advisor or coach to go over any questions which arose from your observation of the divorce proceedings.
4. No matter what happens during the process of representing yourself, never react to the situation. Take a moment to assess what is happening and then act upon it - never ever react. It is almost always fatal for us as males to react instead of proactively acting upon.
5. You and your case will survive the experience in much better shape if you stay out of the gutter, no mud slinging and no disparaging remarks - no matter what.
6. Your future lies in how strong and bold you are able to present your facts to the court, not in how well you react to the allegations from the other parent. Stay in your strength and power, be confident, self-assured and positive. Then, and only then, will you be able to walk away from this experience with your self-respect, self-worth and dignity still intact.
(continued)
BY: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org
http://www.dedicatedfathers.org
Saturday, December 16, 2006
LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT
LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT
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Each state has its own particular laws, customs, precedent setting cases and local rules when it comes to divorce and child custody.. With this caution in mind, the following is an overall education with some general information on issues you may want to ponder when heading into the family court arena.
For many people their first experience with any court is when they experience family court. For many people the family court, divorce, and child custody experience can be devastating. Not only can you lose a good portion of your income, it is also the place where the parents learn when, where and how they will “be allowed” to have time with their children.
After watching numerous television shows featuring attorneys and the court system, many people have preconceived notions about fairness in family courts. The reality is, like any court today, the calendar is packed and relatively little time is devoted to each individual case. Therefore, justice and fairness almost always give way to expediency, which in family law means the orders will be based on biases, prejudices and "feelings," rather than fact, equity and fairness. As a result, both mothers and fathers are usually greatly discouraged and dismayed when they exit the family court system.
The first notion a person needs to understand is that family law is a game. Let’s take a look at just two games:
1. If you walk into your local convenience store and pick up a bag of chips and walk out without paying for them, it’s called “stealing.”
Action: Stealing
Results: Time in jail
2. If you are on first base in a baseball game and you run down to second base, this is also called “stealing” (assuming you are safe at second base).
Action: Stealing
Results: You’re a hero
In both of these games the “Action” is the same: “Stealing.”
3. Question: Why such different “Results” when the “Action” is the same?
4. Answer: Different game - Different sets of rules.
In the game of life, stealing is a crime which will land you in jail. In the game of baseball, stealing is advantages and will make you a hero.
Treating the “game” of family court with the same rules as the “game” of life (truth, justice, honesty, integrity, fairness and equality) would be like playing baseball with the same rules as the game of life (refusing to steal a base because it is against your principles to steal).
Just as it would not make sense to play the game of baseball by the rules in the game of life, it does not make sense to play the game of family law by the rules of the game of life.
You need to know the game you are playing, you need to know about family court.
Family court has also been referred to as being like a game of chess: You need to anticipate the other players move BEFORE they make it. Just like in chess, never, ever play defensively - you’ll be a guaranteed “loser” in family court if you start playing defensively.
Preparation is the most important key to playing the game of family court. Organizing and managing your divorce or child custody case must be your top priority. Do not expect or assume your attorney (if you have one) will be organized or particularly adept at case management. Remember, attorneys went to law school to become litigators to “win” for their clients. You need to stay on top of all issues in your case. You must know and understand your case inside and out.
Family court is a multi-billion dollar business and a big part of the “game” is money. Find this hard to believe? Visit your nearest family court. You will discover the judge sits on the bench for about six (6) hours a day, with as few as 20, to as many as 45 or more cases to hear each day. This translates into about 15 minutes per case.
This literally means your financial future (support) and the amount of time you are allowed to be with your children (custody and visitation) may be decided in 15 minutes or less. If anyone really cared about you, your ex or your children, could they make significant determinations about your life in 15 minutes or less? Again, if you find this notion hard to believe, simply visit your nearest family court, watch a divorce or child custody hearing and see what happens.
While it is true more time is allowed for final “trials;” in most states, the only thing “final” about the final trial is that your status is changed from being married to being single, and your property has been divided. Almost all other issues are open for later interpretations, modifications and future court hearings.
Generally, the issues of custody, visitation and child support are almost always open for future modifications - and those are the hearings which last 15 minutes or less. Again, if someone really cared about you and your reorganizing family, could they make major decisions about your life in as little as 15 minutes?
If money were not the bottom line in family court, it would have been taken out of the adversarial system long ago. Comparatively, there is little money in education, information, mediation, negotiations and collaboration. As in every other area of life, when money becomes more important than people, then truth, justice, honesty, fairness, equality and freedom are sacrificed. Such is the case in family court.
In family court, the family unit, the restructuring of the family, and the needs of individual family members are all sacrificed on the alter of making money. Greed is a great motivator.
Currently, we are stuck with family court being under the umbrella of the adversarial system. Since this is your life, your relationship with your children, and your financial future being decided, you need to retain the role of decision-maker in your case at all times. Although you may retain an attorney or have someone whom you trust as coach, your primary job is to make decisions about your life.
NEVER FORGET
Only you, the other parent and your children will have to live with the final results from family court.
Either way the attorneys and all court related personnel will get paid.
By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org
Family Court and Divorce within the Adversarial system
FAMILY COURT (DIVORCE) WITHIN THE ADVERSARIAL SYSTEM
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Family courts are governed individually by each state, with each state having its own peculiar laws, precedent setting cases and local rules. However, one common thread is no-fault divorce, now the law in one form or another in almost all 50 states.
No-fault divorce simply means one party is not required to prove fault (guilty of some type of misconduct such as adultery or abuse) on the part of the other party in order to justify filing for divorce. Generally, all a person has to say is something like they believe their marriage is irretrievably broken due to irreconcilable differences and a divorce will be granted. Maybe more accurately, no-fault divorce has also been called unilateral divorce because no-fault allows either party, at any time, for any reason (or for no reason at all) to obtain a divorce.
In family court, the "must win" attitude of the adversarial process serves to perpetuate and exacerbate the parental conflict. When the attorney prepares the stage to “win” for their client, they are simultaneously appealing to their client’s sense of justice, vindication and validation. In this adversarial process, parents learn (or are taught by their attorneys) that in order to “win” in family court, they must cast the other parent in a significant bad light.
This “must win” attitude then provides the justification needed for one parent to verbally tear the other parent apart through false allegations of physical or sexual abuse, alcoholism, drug addition or some other form of dysfunction. The fact the party being unfairly and unjustly torn apart is the mother or father of the children involved is totally lost in the emotionally packed adversarial process of “winning at all cost.”
Therefore, in family court, the “truth” of any given situation is rarely discovered.
Generally, the only thing “discovered” in the adversarial family court process is which parent chose the better advocate.
Hopefully the above simplified overview makes the following crystal clear:
Although family court is “no fault”
If you want to be a “winner“
Family court is nothing but fault.
For more information on this topic visit:
www.dedicatedfathers.org
By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
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Monday, December 11, 2006
Preparation for your divorce and/or child custody case
Preparation for your divorce and/or child custody case
Prior to Court
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Prior to your court hearing, you need to go to the courthouse and watch how other divorce and child custody cases are conducted. If possible, go to the exact courtroom in which your case will be heard and see how the judge handles their courtroom. Watch the courtroom process and become familiar with how things are done.
Even though you were in the courtroom observing the proceedings a day or two before, on the day of your hearing make sure you tell the court clerk or bailiff your name and make sure you are in the correct courtroom.
You can never be too prepared for a divorce or child custody court hearing. Therefore, before each court appearance, review, review, review and review some more. You need to know your court documents for that hearing inside and out.
On the Court Day
Dress appropriately and comfortably. A coat and tie are not necessarily required, but slacks and a dress shirt are the minimums. You want to look good, look professional, look respectful, without looking like a million dollars.
Never, ever be late for a divorce or child custody court hearing.
Unless requested otherwise by court personnel, do not take your children to court.
Watch your behavior from the moment you get out of your car until the time you drive away from the courthouse. You never know who is watching, what they are watching and who they may be talking to - stay alert.
Do not chew gum or candy while in the courtroom.
Once in the courtroom, do not leave unless your attorney gives you the OK. Not leaving the courtroom is especially important if you are representing yourself because if they call your case and you are in the restroom, they may count you as a “non-appearance” and take your case “off calendar.”
Stand up when the judge enters the courtroom and wait until he/she sits down before you do. Making eye contact with the judge during the proceedings is OK, but do not stare. The judge is the authority of the courtroom, they make the rules (and they can change the rules without every saying a word about it, so be flexible, be prepared and be confident).
Take a pad of paper with you to your divorce or child custody court hearing so you can write down any important information such as, dates and times of continuances, temporary orders, or special instructions from the judge.
Keep your focus purposeful and directed. Do not allow yourself to become disappointed or drained by the legal process. Family court procedures can be very stressful with frustrating delays, confusing rules and unfair tactics by some attorneys. Shake off the negatives, hold on to a positive thought and keep your energy level up - this is your life, this is your child’s life, and this is you and your child’s future at stake.
Listen to what is being said and mark down on a piece of paper any lies, discrepancies or omissions in the other parent’s testimony including any of the other parent’s witnesses’ testimony. If you have an attorney, do not whisper to your attorney; instead, pass along the notes you have been writing (unless otherwise instructed by your attorney).
When testifying in your divorce or child custody hearing, make the assumption the judge has not read any of your file, none of your current paperwork, and therefore knows absolutely nothing about your case.
Be confident, not cocky; Be assertive, not aggressive. Give an impression of confidence in yourself and your abilities as a parent.
Anytime the judge speaks to you, respond in a pleasant and polite manner.
Do not whisper or talk while the judge is talking. Never, ever make faces, gestures or remarks in response to what was said by the other parent, their attorney, a witness, or the judge. Have your best happy and confident poker face firmly planted.
Obviously, never lose your temper in front of the judge - no matter what happens, no matter what is said, no matter was is done. Stay calm, in control and confident even under extreme stress and duress. Do not get into arguments or make unseemly remarks to anyone in the court or in the halls or any surrounding area before, during or after the hearing or any breaks during the hearing.
When questioned by the judge or attorneys, keep your answers short and to the point. Never volunteer any information whatsoever. If you have an attorney, always look to your attorney before answering any questions - allowing your attorney time to object to the questioning if they need to.
In California, you will want to take a self-addressed-stamped-envelope (SASE) to give to the court clerk to mail you a copy of the Minute Order from your divorce or child custody hearing. This will save you a trip back to the courthouse later to pick up your Minute Order.
www.dedicatedfathers.org
By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Family Court: Steps in preparing for your case
Steps in Preparing Your Case
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Step 1: KEEPING A JOURNAL
Immediately upon knowing you will be going into family court (or when you think you are heading into family court), one of the first and most important things you need to start doing is keeping journal of all significant events concerning you, your children, your finances and the other parent.
More often than not, each time you go to your divorce or child custody hearings you will need to provide a statement as to specifically what you want and justification for why you should get it. This written statement is called your “declaration.” The information in your declaration is taken directly from your written journal as outlined above.
In family court, some judges will not listen to what you have to say verbally. They will rely totally on what you have written in your papers and what the other parent has written in their responsive papers. Therefore, writing your declaration may be a very critical part of whether or not you get what you are asking for, which makes your journal entries extremely important to your case.
Step 2: PREPARING TO WRITE YOUR DECLARATION
Stay away from bringing up negative issues about the other parent, it usually makes you and not the other parent, look bad in the eyes of the court. However, many times in response to issues raised by the other parent, you will need to respond by bring up negative issues. Likewise, many times the only way to show a substantial change of circumstances affecting the best interest of your child is to bring up negative issues about the other parent. However, be very careful in the way you bring up those negative issues.
Only bring up negative issues IF you can show, demonstrate or prove how it directly affects your child or your relationship with your child - otherwise, leave it alone.
The cardinal rule of bringing up negative issues is that you always, always, always, label the negative issues as “CONCERNS.” Example: “I am concerned that every time I go to pick up our child, the other parent is never at home. I believe this confuses our child and allows our child to believe I have not come to see them and do not care about them, which is simply not true and not in our child’s best interests.”
Step 3: WRITING YOUR DECLARATION
Your declaration is simply your very clearly written statement of what has happened, including all dates whenever possible, which clearly provide the court with the reasons and justifications for the order you want the court to make. Every request you make needs to have a reason or justification for it. The judge knows absolutely nothing about you or your case. You need to bring the judge up to speed about your case very quickly (they don’t have much time to review each case, maybe 5 to 10 minutes at most).
Whenever possible, attach proof or evidence which supports what you are writing. If you do not have the proof or evidence, then state where such evidence is located. Some ideas as to proof or evidence may be pictures of you and your children enjoying your time together, statements from witnesses who have seen you interact with your children, time cards showing when you actually work, letters from teachers or church leaders as to your involvement with school and church. Get creative, but be able to back up your claims.
Step 4: THE COURT FILE
You will want to ensure you have an exact copy of the court file, which you can get from the County Clerk at your family courthouse. Your court file is needed so whomever is assisting you can see what has happened so far in your case.
Also, there are many times wherein something which has happened before will prevent you from bringing up the same issues again - a review of your court file will let you know this information. Additionally, there are many times wherein new or different paperwork is required based on what has happened before - again, a review of your court file will let you know this information.
Therefore, you will want to keep and maintain an up-to-date court file at all times.
Step 5: CHILD SUPPORT AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT (ALIMONY)
It is in your best interests to start getting copies of all canceled checks made for any kind of support you have paid and ensure you make copies of both the front and the back of those checks. Additionally, ensure you put on the check itself on the bottom left hand “comments” section that the check is for “child support” or “spousal support.”
Remember: IF YOU CAN’T PROVE YOU HAVE PAID IT, YOU OWE IT !
Never, ever pay any type of support in cash. Why? Because there is no way to prove the other parent received the money if you do not have a copy of the other parent’s signature and deposit notations from your canceled check.
Step 6: MAINTAIN ORGANIZED FILES OF EVERYTHING
You will eventually have numerous files about your divorce or child custody case which you will want to maintain and keep organized at all times. Some of the files you will want to keep are as follows:
A) One file for all correspondence with the other parent kept in chronological
order;
B) One file for all correspondence with your attorney and/or paralegal kept in
chronological order;
C) One file for all correspondence with the other parent’s attorney kept in
chronological order;
D) One file for all correspondence with the state agency collecting support
payments kept in chronological order; and
E) One file of all proof of all payments made for support (including both the front and the back of canceled checks).
Step 7: CONSULTATION WITH AN ATTORNEY AND/OR PARALEGAL
Armed with all of the information as outlined in Step 1 through Step 6 above, you are now ready to consult with an attorney, paralegal and or support organization about your divorce or child custody case.
One last thing:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until
it is faced." ---James Baldwin
By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
Click here to order Dedicated Fathers today!
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Mediation & Collaborative approach as compared to the Adversarial Divorce approach
Mediation and Collaborative Approaches as Compared to the Adversarial Approach
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In the adversarial approach, the definition of the issues is primarily determined by the attorneys. In mediation and collaborative approaches, the issues are defined by the parents. In the adversarial approach, the legal framework for the action is John vs Jane, the emphasis is on the individual. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the legal framework for the action is John and Jane, the emphasis is on the couple and their reorganizing and restructuring family.
In the adversarial approach, the parents relationship is focused on past issues, blaming, shaming, mistrust and revenge. In mediation and collaborative approaches, the parents relationship is focused on restructuring family issues, reorganizing styles of communication, and cooperation. The parents relationship creates conflicts with their children, loyalties are divided and rewards are received for alienating the children against the other parent - creating adjustment problems for the children. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the parents relationship focuses on preserving both parents’ relationships with their children.
In the adversarial approach, the court decides the parenting plan (regardless of the fact the judge has no idea what is best for this family). In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the parents decide the best parenting plan for them and their restructuring family. In the adversarial approach, the expense to the parents can be and typically is enormous. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the expense is less, and many time times much less - thereby allowing the restructuring family to keep control over more of their assets.
In the adversarial approach, the time to conclusion can be extensive (after all, more time means more money for the attorneys). In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the time to conclusion is almost totally controlled by the parents. There is usually no confidentiality and the issues are open for public exposure. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, there is total confidentiality and the issues are not open for public exposure.
In the adversarial approach, the goal and desired outcome is to win at all costs, giving in as little as possible to gain as much as possible from the judge. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the goal and desired outcome is to come to a fair, reasonable, equitable and mutually acceptable agreement as determined by the restructuring family.
With the adversarial approach, adherence to the terms of the court order is far from certain and typically will create the atmosphere of even more mistrust, which results in even more court hearings in the future. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, adherence to the terms of the agreement are far more likely since the terms of the agreement were negotiated and agreed upon by the parents themselves, therefore lessening the chances of returning for additional court hearings in the future.
By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
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Monday, December 4, 2006
The Collaborative Divorce Approach
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A new non-adversarial divorce process is sweeping the country. This new paradigm is known as collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members.
Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court process that assists husbands and wives to dissolve their marriage in a compassionate, practical and informed way, while proceeding at their own pace - not based on the court’s schedule.
Collaborative divorce is a process that supports the entire family and provides for a smooth transition for all family members. This method puts together a professional team for each couple who agree to use the process. Just as in the traditional adversarial process, both husband and wife choose an attorney to represent them; however, these attorneys have been specially-trained in the collaborative process.
Joining the team are two or three mental health professionals, one of whom is retained by each spouse as their coach, and one who is hired as the child specialist - serving as the voice of the children. Rounding off the team (if needed) is the financial specialist, who is a certified financial planner, or in some cases a certified public accountant. The attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists have received specialized training in the collaborative divorce process.
In the traditional adversarial divorce method, many parents use the process as a therapeutic tool to heal or sooth their pain, to justify their actions, or to seek vindication for the perceived “wrong” of the other parent, all of which become powerful emotional weapons to be used to “win at all costs” - and cost it does, a lot, both emotionally and financially.
In the collaborative process, instead of paying their attorneys to conduct research, discovery and trial preparation to “battle” the other spouse, the parties spend their money on resolving the issues constructively and fairly with the cooperative assistance of their attorneys and other team members. The team is not only committed to keep the parties out of court, they are also there to help the husband and wife transition their marriage into two households in a peaceful, intelligent and restorative manner.
Therefore, rather than spending the parties’ resources in numerous court appearances, which have the potential to embitter spouses to exaggerate and exacerbate their differences, the collaborative approach can be less expensive and far less stressful.
The inclusion of the education and information team approach promotes positive healing for all family members, which provides the parties with the opportunity to make the most informed and creative decisions regarding their children. It allows the parties to make intelligent informed decisions regarding the division of their property and the distribution of future support, which will affect the financial future of all family members.
Collaborative divorce is a process which puts the parties directly in charge of their own affairs, a process not typically available under the traditional adversarial method. The adversarial process pits the two attorneys against each other. Then the judge, with no prior knowledge of the family or family dynamics, will make a decision which will affect the entire family for the rest of their lives.
In the collaborative model, power and control is maintained by the family, benefitting all family members by taking into account the uniqueness of each family member.
Comparing Collaborative vs. Adversarial Divorce:
Each of the professionals on the Collaborative team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.
The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.
The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.
Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process is much less expensive. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.
Key Benefits of the Collaborative Divorce Process:
Mutually created resolutions.
Mutually satisfying resolutions.
Durable agreements.
New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues.
Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions.
Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.
How does the Collaborative Process Maximize Financial Resources?
Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances.
The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions.
Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed.
Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems.
The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation.
The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court.
The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.
BY: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
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Thursday, November 30, 2006
Affirmations and thoughts for growth
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Affirmations are solemn personal declarations that you hold and believe are true. While sometimes you may already believe in the truth of an affirmation, some affirmations can be used to change our thinking from that which is negative and self-defeating, into thinking that is positive and self-affirming. The affirmations and thoughts for growth found in this section are my personal affirmations which at one time were my salvation. Therefore, if you become discouragement and full of despair, you might want to read the following affirmations. In fact, you may want to do what I did, read them over and over again until you do actually start to believe in them.
Warning: Positive thoughts and positively impact your behaviors, positive behaviors can attract a multitude of people, out of a multitude of people, you just might discover the one person who can make your life full, joyful and fun again. Please feel free to add to this list as you come across those affirmations and thoughts for growth that are meaningful to you. We can never have enough positive self-talk, we already know the amount of negative stuff that gets in our brains every day.
Remember, if I do not affirm myself in my way, others surely will in their way.
“I would rather be criticized for doing that which I know to be right,
than to be praised for doing that which I know to be wrong.”
-Marvin L. Chapman
“Love is something that you can leave behind when you die. It’s that powerful.”
-John (Fire) Lame Dear, Rosebud Lakota
“Think you can, or think you can’t, either way you will be right.”
-Henry Ford
“We may misunderstand, but we do not mis-experience.”
-Vine Deloria, Jr., Standing Rock Sioux
“If you throw you head over the wall, your body will follow.”
-Quote found among father’s-in-law papers after he passed away
“Argument doesn’t pay, you don’t come home happy.”
-Oral Tradition, Hopi
“I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.”
-Booker T. Washington
“Crisis changes people and turns ordinary people into wiser or more
responsible ones.”
-Wilma P. Mankiller, Cherokee
“Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe
and enthusiastically act upon, must inevitably come to pass.”
-Paul J. Meyer
“Those who know how to play can easily leap over the adversaries of life.
And one who knows how to sing and laugh never brews mischief.”
-Proverb, Iglulik
“Try not to become a man of success, rather become a man of value.”
-Albert Einstein
“Not everything that is faced can be changed,
but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
-James Baldwin
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters,
compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Forgive the past. Live today with integrity, and the future will be kind to you.”
-Marlena Chapman
For more thoughts and affirmations visit www.unitedfathers.org
Please visit www.dedicatedfathers.org
By: Dedicated Fathers
Divorce, custody, and Family court...A National Epidemic
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www.unitedfathers.org
I was first introduced to the family court a few years ago when a family member was in his third go-around with the Family Court system. Every time his ex-wife and her attorney thought there was another chance to extract more money out of him, he would be called back into court. He is the father of three little girls and would do just about anything keep them, and it seems that his love for his children are exactly what the family court system and attorneys were preying on. I witnessed first hand how the family court system contains some kind of intentional design and implementation to be purposely confusing and frustrating, and how it leaves you at the mercy of an attorney and a biased system that will do everything in their power to extract as much money out of you as possible. I have met plenty of honest, hard working men who have every right to enjoy custody, or joint custody of their children and have spent over $300,000 fighting for that right. There are many others I’ve met who have lost in family court due to the simple fact that they did not have enough money to fight for their god given right to be a parent and father to their children.
It’s kind of funny how in the sate of California a divorce attorney is more expensive than a criminal attorney. Maybe that is because the divorce rate in California is reported to be as high as 75%, compared to the national average of 50%. It behooves the family court system to operate like an automotive car company. They now design engines that you cannot work on by yourself, and manufacture special tools that you must have before you can replace parts on your car and you can only buy these parts at the manufacturer’s dealerships. It is the life-support system of the entire capitalist animal. The sad part about the family court system is that children and society are suffering at the hands of this mental manipulation. Children are being used as bargaining chips in the battle created by family law and divorce attorneys.
When children are involved in a divorce, attorneys will often advise their clients to charge the other party with a slue of accusation’s like sexual abuse or physical violence. Lawyers are telling their clients to lie to get an ex parte order against the other party. This is often then used at trial to gain custody, property, attorney's fees, and child support. Judges often know lawyers use this tactic, but allow it to continue. The rules of professional conduct prohibit lawyers from doing these things but in reality these rules are not enforced. Family court judges turn a blind eye to lawyer misconduct and allow lawyers who have the moral flexibility to continue to practice law in family courts. The courts need to pay attention to these accusations but, also need to punish parties found guilty of lying to the court in order to take advantage of the protective system. Often, like in the state of Missouri, ethical standards stated in the rules of professional conduct are ignored. Trial judges will refer ethical complaints to the Chief Disciplinary Counsel. The Disciplinary Counsel then refuses to consider any complaints while the case is open and refers the matter back to the trial judge, and no one hears about the compliant.
The system and the process as a whole does not heal...it hurts! Child custody battles fuel domestic violence. You have a family unit that one day is law abiding and functioning in society, and the next day is held hostage by the family court system and attorneys. Going through the family court process can take years, especially with no laws governing the attorneys’ behavior. A divorce attorney can take a retainer that is sometimes as much as $15,000 and then deceide to drop the client. They might also not do anything to prepare for the case or, with less than a week before trial, drop the case, leaving the client stranded while still keeping the retainer. If that isn’t enough, in some states you cannot even speak to the family court judge. This is the judge who is making a decision that will effect you and your children for the rest of your life. How is this fair?
Many times a lawyer will ask the court that one party pay the legal fees of the other party. Usually the working party pays for the non-working party... meaning mostly men. In this situation, the working spouse has to pay both lawyers fees, basically supplying the money to pay for his own destruction. With "someone else" paying the bill, there are no controls on spending except what is imposed by the court. And the courts aren't imposing spending limits. How is this fair?
It is no surprise that the scales of justice are titled in favor of the mother. They are that way partly for safety and in some ways for good reason but, this is greatly abused. The Family courts must always put the needs of families ahead of the profits of divorce attorneys and the need to feed the family court cash cow.
By: Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org
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Divorce support
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Dedicated Fathers, child custody, and Divorce
Dear Friend,
Since you are reading this, chances are, you, a close friend, or maybe even a family member are involved in the family court process, child custody battle, or engaged in a divorce. I want to assure you first and foremost...you are not alone.
Odds are you have been thrown into a world you do not understand. I have been where you are and I do understand. As someone who went through an emotional divorce process and child custody battle over 25 years ago, I understand just how confusing, frustrating and uncertain your divorce will be. For me, it was the hardest time of my life. I was frustrated, hurt, confused, and very anxious. I had no idea where to begin,and I had no idea what I was up against. I felt lost and alone.
Then, I met Mr. Rod Bivings, a father who started the childrens rights organization “United Fathers of America.” Rod too had been a Dedicated Father - a daddy who had been relegated to a visiting figure in his own kids’ lives. As he called it, he was “visiting uncle” to his kids, no longer viewed as a daddy even to his own children.
Rod gave me the education and information I needed to understand child custody issues and my fathers rights. He demystified the family court process and prepared me to confront my child custody issues, and my divorce. But more importantly, Rod helped me understand I was no longer alone, just as I am here now letting you know…you are not alone.
Having said all of that, I decided to dedicate the rest of my life to not only helping other parents organize their cases, but also helping them stay involved in all aspects of their children’s lives. As you read about Dedicated Fathers, let me reassure you again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE - there are thousands of other Dedicated Fathers out there just like you - just as anxious, just as scared about their futures, and just as confused by a system that constantly appears to be working against them.
With over 25 years of experience in the trenches, I have assisted tens of thousands of dedicated parents navigate through the maze of the family court system. Over eighty-percent (80%) of all family court litigants represent themselves. The Dedicated Fathers audio book series is a low cost alternative to high priced attorneys. There is no other self-help source in the marketplace that encompasses, not only the family court system, but also equally important, the emotional needs of both parents and children during the family restructuring process.
What kind of people represent themselves in Family Court?
Most people represent themselves because they can’t afford an attorney. Some people
represent themselves because they have been represented by attorneys in the past
and believe they can represent their own interests. The reality is many cases do
require an attorney. Use your best judgment and some guidelines to determine the
best course for your case. Remember….whether you hire an attorney or not, it is your
responsibility to keep your case organized and to keep yourself up to date.
The Dedicated Fathers Audio CD Series will teach you about how the Family Court system is designed to exaggerate and exacerbate any difficult situation between you and the other parent. How it REQUIRES both parents to tear the other apart. How it can take on a life of its own, and how it totally destroys family values - yet sustains itself because it is a multi-billion dollar business. You heard me right, family law is a multi-billion dollar industry in America.
The Dedicated Fathers Audio CD Series will show you that information is power, and that you will need all the power you can get. It will give you the education and information you need to make the right decisions for your situation, it will place you in a more powerful position when confronting the adversarial family court system. You will clearly see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
A family law specialist attorney will cost you $300 per hour or perhaps, even more. I know this audio program and workbook will save you far more than just one (1) hour of time with your attorney. In fact, this program will pay for itself and help you choose the right attorney, which in itself will probably save you not only money, but time, energy and frustration as well.
Think about it, for less than the cost of one hour with a family law specialist, you can have the education and information constantly at your fingertips to empower you to take charge of you and your children’s future. Presenting yourself, your family information, and your case history in an organized and easy to understand manner to your attorney and to the court is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Why pay an attorney thousands of dollars to extract information from you about your case? Why not have a detailed case history ready to present to your attorney? This audio series will inform you on everything from how to dress in court, to what to do if your spouse is making false statements about you.
I have assisted thousands of families over the years and it has been my passion to share my experiences, my knowledge, and the information that I know will help you and your case. I know this series will help you better understand the family court system and guide you through the maze of the family court process.
You now have an idea of what you are facing, which leads us back to purpose of
The Dedicated Fathers Audio Book Series: To give you education and information based on my over 25 years of experience of working both inside and outside of the adversarial family court system.
Education and Information are necessary companions when going to battle within the Family Court system. Education about the family court process is the first step in regaining control of our lives and taking charge of our futures. Information about the family court system is essential to being successful, just as information about our jobs is essential to being successful at work.
Education - Education about the family court process to help you to regain control over your life and to assist you in taking charge of your future and your children’s future with you.
Information - Information about the family court system which will assist you, in being successful in your attempts for justice, fairness and equitable treatment within the family court system.
As a therapist, I can tell you research has shown that the death of an immediate family member is the number one most stressful event in a persons life.
Believe it or not, the second most stressful event in a persons life is involvement in the adversarial family court process.
And the third most stressful event in a persons life is a radical change of employment.
Let me give you an example:
I had a client whom I will call Bill. Bill came to me after being served divorce papers from his wife. They had 2 small children, about 5 and 7 years old. Regardless of the relationship between Bill and his wife, Bill had always been a very dedicated father. The divorce papers included an order that Bill was to leave the family home by 7:00 PM that night, and that he could not return to the family home. Therefore, within 24 hours, Bill went from being a husband and a father, to being kicked out of his house, and out of his children’s lives. Bill then had to take time off of work due to meetings with his attorney, court appearances, depositions, and other family court requirements. He missed so much work that his employer eventually fired him.
Now Bill was not only hit with the family court process, the 2nd most stressful time in a persons life, he was also hit with a radical change of employment, the 3rd most stressful time in a persons life. In less than a 4 month period of time, Bill was now confronting 2 of the top 3 life stressors a person will face. Through the months of the family court process, Bill was eventually allowed visitation with his children. Child support and all of the other issues were eventually settled; HOWEVER, by the time it was over - Bill was no longer the same person. He had gone from a 24 / 7 husband, father, provider and protector - to an unemployed, deeply hurt, angry and frustrated man.
Like Bill, your involvement in the adversarial family court system will include a roller-coaster ride of emotions (some of which you may have never experienced before), in addition there will be financial constraints and stresses, there will be the strain of trying to balancing your home, your work, and your need to be an active participant in your family court case.
Involvement in the adversarial family court system not only includes the confusing and mystical legal processes and procedures, it involves an entire system which is built and sustained on making your relationship with the other parent worse, not better. This will not be an easy time. When you come out of the family court process, you will clearly understand why your involvement in a divorce and child custody case are the second most stressful event you will ever experience.
In all of my experience I have found it is imperative that fathers stay true to themselves, never compromising their integrity or moral values which are sometimes lost while navigating the family court system. The Family Court System doesn’t care about you...and neither does your attorney...what they do care about is getting as much money out of you as possible.
Many of the anxious and confused feelings we experience are caused by a family court system that does not operate by any rules which we have previously experienced. The family court system is a world unto its own, with its own rules and procedures. The most difficult facet of this new world is that the judge in family court is given wide discretionary powers unlike any other judge in any other area of law. In family court, there is nothing to stop the biases, prejudices, and personal beliefs of the judge from influencing their decisions.
Remember Bill, who we talked about earlier who had gone from a 24/7 husband, father, provider and protector - to an unemployed, deeply hurt, angry and frustrated man? Bill had come into my office after being totally devastated by the system. We worked on rehabilitating his image and his case for court. We did some case management and case history organization. We then outlined a game plan and took our plan to an attorney.
I also counseled with Bill to help turn his thinking around. Armed with information and education, Bill’s thinking went from victim or reactive, to confident and pro-active. With this new way of thinking and a more positive attitude, Bill was able to find a new better paying job. Bill was one of the lucky ones. Lucky because he gained the information and education he needed to put himself in a more powerful position, both with his family court case, and with his new employment.
Bill had endured. He had not given up. He discovered he was not alone.
Like Bill…………you are no longer alone.
A Dedicated Father
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org
