ALLEGATIONS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE (Divorce and the Family Court System)

ALLEGATIONS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE
Divorce, child custody, and the family court system

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By: Marvin L. Chapman

In family court (divorce court), the definition of spousal abuse is fleeting at best. For over 25 years I have observed spousal abuse as being any time a parent “feels” uncomfortable or “threatened.” This is to say in family court, spousal abuse is the act of making the other party “feel.” Sounds funny? Absurd? Well, go to your local family law courthouse and find out where divorce and spousal abuse cases are being heard and then watch in amazement as you see the stories unfold.

Generally, all a woman has to say is she is in “fear” of the father and a restraining order is immediately placed against the father - no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nothing is required other than “feeling fearful.”

Fact: 1 in 3 women (33%) and 1 in 4 men (25%) will be victims of domestic violence. With such statistics, it makes you wonder why so many women and yet so few men are able to obtain restraining orders for domestic violence. Could it be the institutional bias against fathers is so great in family law that judges just can’t or won’t believe men can be victims of abuse from women? Go to the courthouse, watch what goes on, make up your own mind.

In family court, the mere allegation of being “fearful” of the father will typically get the mother a three (3) year restraining order against the father. Additionally, many cases end up with the father being ordered to parenting classes (money) anger management classes (more money), supervised visitation with their children (even more money) and a higher child support order (much more money). Ever wonder why men feel all they are is a paycheck? Read this paragraph again and see if you can figure out why we feel that way.

In California, part of the formula for determining child support is the amount of time each parent spends with their children. Accordingly, if a mother makes a false allegation of being “fearful” and can get the court to order supervised visitation with the father - she just won the child support lottery. Therefore, mothers in California have a financially vested interest in making false spousal abuse allegations. And this is our divorce system at work.

I have had clients whose spousal abuse cases against them have been thrown out by the District Attorney (DA) as unsubstantiated and/or unfounded, only to have the mother go to family court and get a three (3) year restraining order against the father based on the same allegation which was found to be unsubstantiated and/or unfounded by the DA.

I have had clients who have pleaded with the court to allow them to take lie detector tests to prove their innocence, only to be turned down by the family court judge because the judge had already made up their mind that the father was guilty.

I have had many cases where the father can prove he was at work when the mother was “injured.” However, because the mother had a bruise, the court takes the mother’s word for it and grants a three (3) year restraining order. In many of these cases the mother is so proud of what she pulled off in court that they call the father and laughingly brag to him on how she learned to bang herself into a door jam to get a bruise. For this act, the father is given limited time with child children, pays for anger management courses, pays for a monitor to supervise his visits with his children, and pays a higher child support amount due to the limited amount of time he has with his children.

This is JUSTICE - Family Court Style

Again, in family court, only allegations are necessary - no proof is required, no validation and no verification is necessary for a family court judge to tell truth from fiction in less than 10 minutes. It hurts to admit it but as a trained therapist with over 25 years of experience, without any proof, validation or verification, I am many times unable to tell truth from fiction - no matter how many times I meet with a couple. Yet, in family court, a judge - with no psychological training or experience - can determine truth from fiction in less than 10 minutes.

What a world this would be if we all could be like family court judges and have such powerful insight into human behavior, family functioning and family dynamics that we are able to determine absolute truth within any particular family almost immediately!

Since the mere allegation of spousal abuse makes you guilty, even when totally lacking in proof, validation, verification or evidence, there is no absolute way to protect yourself from these false charges. However, to minimize your chances of being falsely accused make sure you do not in any way provoke a verbal altercation with the other parent. Walk away, go to a hotel, do anything, but do not get into a verbal altercation with the other parent. The next step of an escalating verbal altercation is false allegations of abuse.

I know many readers of this section may have very strong feelings about these issues. As I tell many of my own clients, “Don’t believe me, believe your own eyes and ears.” Go to your nearest family court and watch the divorce and domestic violence hearings. If possible, talk to both the fathers and the mothers involved. Determine truth for yourself.

IMPORTANT DIFFERENCES IN ABUSE ALLEGATIONS

Allegations of spousal abuse (domestic violence) within family court is not the same as allegations of spousal abuse outside family court. Within family court there are emotional battles over the children, hurt feelings, divorce issues, perceived wrongs, financial incentives, and other issues which drive the desire to punish the other parent through false allegations. Other than judges, those involved in family court know the vast majority of claims of spousal abuse within family court are simply false allegations - without any factual foundation whatsoever. Outside of family court, there are few rewards for making false allegations. Accordingly, the vast majority of claims of spousal abuse outside of family court are based on fact with substantial factual foundations.

“FAMILY COURT IS FAMILY ABUSE”

Marvin Chapman, the author of this article, has a great website devoted to fathers rights and divorce information. Why not take a look?
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Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

1. Learn to love yourself. You are just as deserving of your love and respect as anyone else is. When you learn to love yourself, you treat yourself better because you know that you are worthy of it.

2. Realize that you deserve only the best that life has to offer. When you know that you deserve the best, you’ll go out and create the best for yourself.

3. Set a goal for yourself and then do what you need to do to reach it. No matter how small the goal, reaching it will make you feel very good about yourself.

4. Learn a new skill. Learning is how we grow and assure ourselves that we are alive and capable.

5. Take time just for yourself every day. Even 15 minutes a day is enough to re-charge your battery. This is not selfish; it is self-preservation.

6. Do something creative. Find a hobby that you enjoy and just do it. Creativity just feels good.

7. Tell the people that you care about how you feel. Never pass up the chance to tell someone that you love him or her. This way, you will feel the pain of regret.

8. Let go of the past. It is gone forever. Learning to live in the here and now is invaluable in making every day the best.

9. Let go of one grievance or prejudice. We all have them, and they are just black holes on our soul.

10. Laugh every single day. One good belly laugh is healing. If you can’t see anything to laugh at, you aren’t looking hard enough.

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Collaborative Divorce vs. Adversarial Divorce: A new outlook

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE

Collaborative Divorce vs Adversarial Divorce
A Positive Outlook
By:Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

1. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members. Each of the professionals on the team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.

2. The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made.

3. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.

4. The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.

5. Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process can be much less expensive.

6. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.

7. Some of the key benefits of the collaborative divorce process are the following:

A. Mutually created resolutions;

B. Mutually satisfying resolutions;

C. Durable agreements;

D. New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues;

E. Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions; and

F. Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.


8. In the collaborative divorce model, the parents are able to maximize their financial resources because of the following:

A. Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances;

B. The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions;

C. Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed;

D. Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems;

E. The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation;

F. The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court; and

G. The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.


The collaborative process generally gives both parents the following:

A. Peace of mind, reduced anxiety;

B. Security and privacy;

C. Less conflicts in the future;

D. More control of the outcome; and

E. Knowing you did the right thing and the best you could do for your children

BY:Marvin Chapman

Marvin Chapman, the autor of this article, has a great website devoted to divorce help and fathers rights. Why not take a look?www.dedicatedfathers.org
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Collaborative Divorce - options

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE

A Non-Adversarial Option

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A new non-adversarial divorce process is sweeping the country. This new paradigm is known as collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members.

Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court process that assists husbands and wives to dissolve their marriage in a compassionate, practical and informed way, while proceeding at their own pace - not based on the court’s schedule.

Collaborative divorce is a process that supports the entire family and provides for a smooth transition for all family members.

The collaborative divorce method puts together a professional team for each couple who agree to use the process. Just as in the traditional adversarial process, both husband and wife choose an attorney to represent them; however, these attorneys have been specially-trained in the collaborative process. Joining the team are two or three mental health professionals, one of whom is retained by each spouse as their coach, and one who is hired as the child specialist - serving as the voice of the children. Rounding off the team (if needed) is the financial specialist, who is a certified financial planner, or in some cases a certified public accountant. The attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists have received specialized training in the collaborative divorce process.

In the traditional adversarial method, many parents use the process as a therapeutic tool to heal or sooth their pain, to justify their actions, or to seek vindication for the perceived “wrong” of the other parent, all of which become powerful emotional weapons to be used to “win at all costs” - and cost it does, a lot, both emotionally and financially.

In the collaborative process, instead of paying their attorneys to conduct research, discovery and trial preparation to “battle” the other spouse, the parties spend their money on resolving the issues constructively and fairly with the cooperative assistance of their attorneys and other team members. The team is not only committed to keep the parties out of court, they are also there to help the husband and wife transition their marriage into two households in a peaceful, intelligent and restorative manner. Therefore, rather than spending the parties’ resources in numerous court appearances, which have the potential to embitter spouses to exaggerate and exacerbate their differences, the collaborative approach is much less expensive and much less stressful.

The inclusion of the education and information team approach promotes positive healing for all family members, which provides the parties with the opportunity to make the most informed and creative decisions regarding their children. It allows the parties to make intelligent informed decisions regarding the division of their property and the distribution of future support, which will affect the financial future of all family members.

Collaborative divorce is a process which puts the parties directly in charge of their own affairs, a process not typically available under the traditional adversarial method. The adversarial process pits the two attorneys against each other. Then the judge, with no prior knowledge of the family or family dynamics, will make a decision which will affect the entire family for the rest of their lives.

In the collaborative model, power and control is maintained by the family, benefitting all family members by taking into account the uniqueness of each family member.

BY: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
Marvin Chapman is a Certified Collaborative Divorce Coach

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Divorce Coach - Divorce coaching vs. Individual therapy

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE COACHING
vs
INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Marvin L. Chapman, MFT, CFC
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, MFC27081
Clinical Forensic Counselor, F16841
Certified Collaborative Divorce Coach
marvin@unitedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org
www.dedicatedfathers.org

Many people wonder what the difference is between a mental health professional
providing divorce coaching and a mental health professional providing
individual therapy.

Simply put: The major difference between divorce coaching and individual therapy
is the client, not the coaching or the therapeutic process.

Traditionally, individual therapy involves the assumption that the client is coming into therapy due to some real or perceived “problem” which they want to understand,
discover or have “treatment” thereon because their coping skills and/or current
manner of dealing with their “problem” is not working for them. Due to this
traditional thinking, it has long been a given that if someone is in therapy, something is “wrong” with them. Insurance companies and managed care facilities have
traditionally indicated a more comfortable position in dealing with emotional
“problems” from the medical model.

Simplified, the medical model says there is a disease (the problem), the symptoms
must be documented (a diagnoses from the DSM, yet another medical model),and a plan is laid out as to how the client will be “healed” (from the clinician’s
therapeutic orientation, paradigm or model). Based on this medical model, the
therapist will focus on the client’s history to assist in determining how the
“disease” (the problem) came about.

Many times you will hear therapists talk about the “pathology” of a client.
Ever wonder what “pathology” really means? (Definition: “The science or
Doctrine of diseases. That part of medicine which explains the nature of diseases,
their causes and their symptoms.” As you can see from the definition,
even in their diction, therapists use the medical model.)

With an understanding of the “pathology” the therapist can allegedly determine the
cause of the problem (the diagnosis). The therapist then gives the client new ways of
thinking, coping or behaving that allegedly will work better for them in the future
(the healing or curing of the problem). Under this simplified model, the therapist is the empowered helping agent; the client is the one with the “problem.”

Divorce coaching is different from individual therapy. In coaching, the client is not perceived as having any particular “problem” and the divorce coach does not
assume any “pathology.” Problems and/or pathological issues are only
dealt with if they impede the divorce process, wherein a suggestion may be
given that the client might benefit from therapy with an outside independent therapist.

In coaching, the therapist joins with the client in a duet of cooperation. The coach, having a therapeutic and mediation background, educates, offers insights and
observations, gives possibilities, and, at times, may even propose certain strategies
for the client to consider.

The divorce coach is specifically trained in the collaborative process to work closely with the client in their development of skills needed to deal with critical issues involving the divorce. Although coaching may be very therapeutic, it is not therapy.

The divorce process, whether adversarial or collaborative, is a complex and deeply
emotional process. Grief issues, such as denial, anger, bargaining and depression are usually involved, as well as a sense of loss and, many times, confusion.
Post relationship co-parenting issues are always a difficult area, as are support
and property issues. Individual parenting styles is also an area of concern for
many parents (How do I answer my kids’ questions? How do I or should I discipline
the kids who are already hurting?). Divorce coaches in the collaborative model
not only have specialized training of the collaborative process, they are also
generally very experienced in working with restructuring families.

As indicated above, the major difference between divorce coaching and
individual therapy is the client (not the coaching or therapeutic process).
In therapy, the client is perceived as having a “problem” with a particular
“pathology” for which the client is seeking help. In divorce coaching,
the client is not perceived as having any particular “problem”, and the
divorce coach does not assume any “pathology.” The divorce coach uses
their training and experience to assist their client through the collaborative divorce process in such a way that the client is able to move on with their life with the learned skills and knowledge needed to make their post divorce life as full and complete as possible.


BY: Marvin L. Chapman
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divorce mediation part 3 - court connected

DIVORCE MEDIATION (PART 3)
Court Connected Mandatory Mediation

Part 3 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
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www.unitedfathers.org


Many states now have court connected mandatory divorce mediation (sometimes referred to as conciliation or conciliation court - meaning an agreement under friendly terms). Court mandated divorce mediation is a non-adversarial process where a neutral third party meets with the disputing parents to assist them in settling their issues and coming to an agreement.

Court mediator’s are mental health professionals who typically have at least a Masters Degree, with extensive experience in the field of marriage, family and child counseling and/or social work. Mediators are specifically trained in conflict resolution skills and the process of mediation. Court mandated divorce mediators are court employees not paid by either party. They assist the parents in focusing on the best interests of their children, to deal with the present situation and developing plans to deal with that situation.

One of the main ideas of mandatory mediation is to help the parents see the positive issues each parent comes up with, without blaming or shaming the other parent. Although the needs of the children come first, mediation is also sensitive to the needs of both parents.

The primary purpose of mandatory court connected mediation is to allow the parents the time and opportunity to develop their own agreements before direct court intervention is necessary. This process frees up the court’s time, which is already at a premium.

Although mandated to go to divorce mediation, the parties are not mandated to actually mediate and certainly are not mandated to come to any agreements - unless they want to.

Mandatory court connected mediation is NOT marriage counseling or reconciliation counseling designed to get the parents back together.

My background is in just such a mediation setting. In the early 80's I was a court mediator in the downtown Los Angeles Conciliation Court. Based on that experience, I offer the following to you:

In mediation, as in all areas of your life, act, do not react, to the situation. Personal attacks and character assassinations are neither warranted nor productive. You are in mediation to talk about the needs and your interpretation of the best interests of your children, which will include your desires as to a parenting plan and child custody. You are NOT there to “settle the score” with the other parent.

If you sense you are being verbally chastised or abused during the divorce mediation process, it is up to you to ensure such actions are stopped. Reacting to that type of behavior will only escalate the behavior and serve to sabotage any meaningful mediation or negotiation. If the verbal abuse or chastisement continues, excuse yourself and leave the mediation room. Thank the mediator for their time and explain to them that you are not there to settle old relationship issues and that you personally have no need to sit there and take verbal abuse, accusations, threats or derogatory comments.

You have the inalienable right (a right which may not be taken away or transferred to another person) to personal boundaries of behavior which are acceptable to you and you do not give up those rights just because you are in Court Connected Mandatory Mediation.

There are two types of Court Connected Mandatory Mediation. Some court’s allow for totally confidential mediation wherein if the party’s do not make an agreement, all that happened in the mediation process is kept confidential and away from the court. Other court’s allow for a recommendation mediation policy wherein at the conclusion of the mediation process, the mediator makes a recommendation to the court as to what the mediator sees as being the best solution for the family. In future articles I will explain the basic differences between confidential mediation and recommendation mediation.

(continued)

BY: Marvin Chapman

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Divorce Mediation part 2

DIVORCE MEDIATION (Part 2)

Voluntary Mediation

Part 2 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
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www.unitedfathers.org


Voluntary divorce mediation is a process in which a skilled intermediary helps couples arrive at a mutually satisfactory and amicable agreement without judicial interference through effective communication, exploration of viable options and alternatives, negotiations and compromise. It is a problem solving process in which parents are encouraged to be open and direct in their conversation styles to lessen the chance of misunderstandings and distortions.

The divorce mediation process facilitates a change in parental interactions from the competitive and destructive win-lose mentality of the adversarial system, to a more cooperative problem-solving process. Underlining the success of the mediation process is a set of beliefs:

The belief that there is a mutually acceptable solution to every situation;

­The belief that both parents desire a mutually acceptable solution;

­The belief that cooperation instead of confrontation will produce mutually acceptable solutions;

­The belief that both parents are valuable and have insights and notions which are worthy to be heard and considered; and

­The belief that some solutions will need to transcend both parents special interests and concerns because those solutions are better for the restructuring family as a whole.

A divorce mediator sees the family as being in a restructuring process, where all parties are going through a reorganizing life event and simply need assistance in coming up with their own solutions. Not surprisingly, research has found that parents are much more likely to follow their own mediate settlement plan than parents who try to settle their differences through the adversarial system.

Mediation allows for the shift of attention from past relationship issues to current and future custodial and parenting plan issues. It provides parents the opportunity to resolve their issues among themselves without the adversarial process tearing them apart emotionally and financially.

The mediation process typically has five (5) phases which follow below:
First Phase: Initially there are the obligatory introductions and a basic orientation to the mediation process and procedures, the setting of ground rules and the outlining of initial joint goals. During this First Phase the nonthreatening environment boundaries are established. It is during this First Phase that the divorce mediator joins with both parents and establishes trust with each of them.

Second Phase: During this phrase the parties start sharing relevant information about their specific issues. This disclosure process allows the mediator to understand the family dynamics and the level of family functioning. During this stage, the wants, needs, desires and goals of both parents are presented and some explanations allowed as to why those issues are so important to that parent.

Third Phase: This is where the real work (the art of mediation as I call it) truly begins. During this phase the parties start working through issues, practice active listening, learn to compromise, and learn to negotiate without losing their personal power.

Fourth Phase: During this phase, the initial agreements are drafted into tentative agreements for both parents to visually see what their agreements look like on paper in legalese (court language). These initial agreements are then discussed and defined further.

Fifth Phase: During this final phase the divorce agreement is reviewed and approved by the respective attorneys, refined and modified as needed and then finalized by the parents.

Mediation will work for motivated parents. Parents who do not want a third disinterested party (the judge) to make decisions about their lives and the lives of their children. However, it also takes a fairly mature parent to actually come to an agreement. Putting aside hurt feelings and the desire to get even, not attempting to pay back the other parent for their perceived wrongs, and other such feelings and notions must be put on the back burner for mediation to work. For those who can make mediation work, it is far better than allowing a disinterested and totally uninvolved judge from making so many serious decisions about your family and your restructuring process.

Divorce mediation will typically save you a lot of money in attorney fees and time off work for court appearances (many mediating sessions are done in the evenings, after normal working hours). It will also save on the emotional and other stressors that typically go along with the adversarial process.

Mediation is part education. In many cases you and the ex will learn new ways of communicating and new ways to work out problem areas - ways which will assist you is settling future disputes without the need for the adversarial court process. As stated earlier, studies have also shown that mediated agreements are more likely to be followed by both parents and therefore less disruptions for the children, now and into the future.

Mediation is generally accepted as being successful to the extent it results in a voluntary settlement which is accepted as equitable by both parties, their attorneys and the mediator.

By: Marvin Chapman
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A Thank You to all Dedicated Fathers

Thank You for Visiting Dedicated Fathers

www.dedicatedfathers.org

Thank you for being a Dedicated Father. You may not hear that from your children until years from now, you will probably never hear it from society; however, you will hear it repeatedly from us - thank you for being a Dedicated father.

By you visiting this blog, you or someone close to you is probably involved in a divorce, child custody , or family court battle. First and foremost let me assure you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We have assisted thousands of fathers just like you who were confused and intimidated by the adversarial family court process. By empowering parents with information, they have been able to gain the confidence they needed to successfully confront their divorce or child custody case.

Obviously, there is no magic formula, each divorce or child custody case is unique unto itself.
However, there is one fact that is true in every case:
You need power when confronting the adversarial family court system.

You Need Power
Information is Power
You Need Information

Information allows you to make better and more informed decisions for you and your restructuring family. Information helps you remain sane - especially within the insane world of family court. Information will give you the tools to be an example to your children during this traumatic time.

Here are just five (5) examples of the information the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series will give you:

1. It will teach you how to take charge of your relationship with your children, which is the best way to let them know how much they mean to you.

2. It will help you to become pro-actively involved with your divorce case, rather than reactive.

3. It will empower you to confront the procedures of family court, and the inherent biases against fathers.

4. It will provide you with what you need to put yourself in a better position to successfully navigate the adversarial family court system.

5. It will show you how to gain control over your life by learning how to case manage and organize your own divorce or child custody case, thereby making you an actively involved team member with your attorney.


Family court IS NOT about going out and hiring the best family law attorney you can afford, and then just hoping and praying they will advocate for your interests and concerns.

Family court IS about becoming an active team member with your attorney.

Your family court mission statement is the following:

“My mission is to ensure my interests are protected and my concerns addressed in a pro-active and powerful manner. To accomplish my mission, I must be in a constant state of being prepared. I will have to live with the actions I take now, for the rest of my life. Therefore, I must get organized and I must stay organized for the betterment of myself and children.”

Learn from all the fathers who have gone before you. For over 26 years we have been assisting parents going through the trauma of divorce and the family courts. Take our experience and use it. The information in the Dedicated Fathers Audio Book Series will help demystify the confusing and frustrating adversarial family court process. It will help you can gain the confidence you need to confront the processes, procedures and divorce issues with which you will be bombarded throughout your stay in the adversarial family court arena.

Armed with the power of the information in the audio series, you will have with the power-tools needed to successfully complete your mission. For the cost of only one (1) hour with a family law attorney, you will receive the education and information which could save you thousands of dollars. Your future will thank you for your insight of taking the steps today which will bring you a better tomorrow.

Again, Thank you for being a Dedicated Father.

I look forward to your joining our growing family of Dedicated fathers and like them, remember....

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org

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To Hire an Attorney or not to Hire an Attorney (Part 2)

TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part Two of Two Parts

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For more related divorce information


It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.

In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.

If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.

Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?

Answer:
Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford a family law attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of a family law attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).

Reality is that many cases require a family law attorney. An example of a divorce case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).

However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts

The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.


If Hiring a family law attorney

1. One of the best ways to choose an attorney is to either get a recommendation from your local father’s rights organization or check with family, friends and co-workers. Hiring a family law attorney is just the opposite of hiring a criminal attorney. If hiring a criminal attorney, you want the best legal mind you can afford. Family law is just the opposite. Family law is almost totally subjective feelings and biases. In family law you are hiring a personality, someone you can get along with and who is passionate about your case and your goals.

2. Nothing is worse than a personality clash with the attorney you hired to protect you. This is your and your children’s future. During the initial consultation you will need to make a sound intelligent decision based heavily on whether or not you feel and believe you can work as a team member with the attorney. Remember, your attorney is in the driver’s seat and you need to feel very comfortable with them at the controls of your future. Therefore, when interviewing a family law attorney, you may want to consider some of the following Things to look for in an attorney... and What to avoid when hiring an attorney....

A. Things to look for in a family law attorney...


1) Is the attorney friendly, passionate and non-intimidating;

2) Will the attorney return your phone calls within a “reasonable” time;

3) Does the attorneys’ recommendations make common sense;

4) What does the attorney charge per hour and will the attorney bill you
monthly so you can easily see on a regular basis what the attorney is
costing you;

5) Are credit card payments accepted;

6) How strongly does the family law attorney support alternatives to traditional
litigation,such as outside mediation or collaborative divorce;

7) How much experience does the attorney have in family law;

8) Does the attorney specialize in family law. Just as you would not want a
general doctor to perform open-heart surgery on you, you do not want a
general attorney performing your family law case;

9) Make an agreement with your attorney in writing on your mutually agreeable
and attainable goals. To avoid misunderstandings always put both large and
small requests in writing and keep a copy for yourself (again, stay
organized);

10) Get in touch and stay in touch with a local support organization for
support, encouragement and to ensure your case is proceeding according to
your wishes; and

11) Ensure you will be given a copy of any and all documents filed on your
behalf or served on your attorney relevant to your case.


B. What to avoid when hiring a family law attorney...

1) No matter what, avoid a “divorce mill” type of operation where a group of
people are grinding out paperwork one after another and an attorney just
picks up the paperwork and goes to court. This is not an assembly line
operation, this is your life, your future and your future relationship with
your kids. This is serious business and you will want to treat it that way;

2) Avoid any and all attorneys who tell you their retainer is “non-refundable;”

3) Be suspicious and avoid any attorney who appears overly aggressive and any
attorney who “guarantees” you a certain order. Family law is an extremely
subjective area of law and no one can possibly guarantee anything;

4) Do not share an attorney with the other parent. If your case requires an
attorney, then get your own attorney to protect you and your children’s
legal rights;

5) Whatever it takes, avoid financial problems between you and your attorney.
If for any reason you are unable to honor your financial agreement with your
attorney, immediately request a meeting and work out a new agreement. You
need your attorney playing attorney, not banker;

6) Avoid letting your attorney talk you into giving up something which you
feel is important, just so the attorney can expedite the case. Be
realistic and reasonable, not foolish. Remember, you may have to live with
the results for a long time, a little extra time now can save you a lot of
heartache later. Read all legal papers you are asked to sign, understand
them clearly and completely before signing and always keep a copy for
yourself. If you find unclear language or something that is subject to any
kind of interpretation, ask your attorney to have it rewritten so it is
explicitly clear;

7) If your attorney states you do not need to be present at a hearing, make
sure you find out why you are not needed. If in doubt, have your attorney
put it in writing that you do not need attend and that he/she will make no
agreements without your consent. However, the general rule of thumb is that
you need to attend ALL court proceedings. This is you and your children’s
future and you need to be there, you need and must know what is going on in
your case;

8) After each meeting with your attorney (whether in person or over the phone)
write down what was said, accomplished, promised or planned. Mail a copy of
your written understanding of the meeting to your attorney to memorialize
that the meeting took place and what was accomplished. This will assist
your attorney in keeping on track and will remind the attorney of what was
promised;

9) Avoid telling the attorney how much money you have or how much you are
willing to spend on your case. The attorney’s focus should be about your
case, not how much money you have available to give him/her. If the
attorney talks too much about money - leave the office. An attorney
whose main focus is the money is only feeling you out to see
how much they can get from you up front - how much they can
get for a retainer;

10) Make copies of all important papers to give to your attorney. Avoid giving
originals to your attorney unless absolutely necessary. If absolutely
necessary, ensure you have a copy and assurances the originals will be
returned to you upon completion of your case (unless used as Exhibits
whereupon the originals may stay in the court file);

11) Avoid calling the attorney for every little thing that happens, it will get
very expensive. Attorneys charge by the hour, with every 6 minutes being
1/10th of an hour (Example: If your attorney charges $200 per hour
and you talk to them for 10 minutes; that call will cost you
$40). Many times it may be better to contact your father’s rights
organization first as they can usually answer many (if not most) of your
questions just based on their experience with other fathers over the years.
This will reduce the number of questions and the length of time with your
attorney, resulting in lower attorney fees for you;

12) Avoid keeping an attorney whom you feel is not representing your interests
or your children’s interests fairly or properly. In other words, do not be
afraid to fire your attorney; and

13) Your attorney was hired to do a job about which you know very little. You
should be able to contact your attorney and expect an understandable answer
within a reasonable period of time. Avoid keeping an attorney who will not
return your calls within a reasonable time.

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By: Marvin Chapman

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To Hire or not To Hire an Attorney (Part 1)

TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part One of Two Parts

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It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.

In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.

If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.

Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?

Answer:

Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford an attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of an attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).

Reality is that many cases require an attorney. An example of a case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).

However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts

The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.

If Going Pro Per / Pro Se (Representing Yourself)


1. If you can, get hooked up with a good nonprofit organization. The information and education about the local court system will be invaluable to you.


2. Visit the local family courthouse and observe the procedures in the courtroom. Divorce hearings are open to the public and you are allowed to go in and watch. Paternity actions are usually considered quasi-confidential hearings and therefore you probably would not be allowed to stay. However, the process and procedures are basically the same for both, so if you have a paternity action you can gain the information needed by observing a divorce hearing. While in the courtroom, take notes, study what is happening and why, check out how the judge reacts to certain questions or answers and observe communication styles of the different participants. If questions as to why you are there - tell them the truth, you have a hearing coming up and you wanted to see in advance what it was all about.


3. After the courtroom visit, meet with your advisor or coach to go over any questions which arose from your observation of the divorce proceedings.


4. No matter what happens during the process of representing yourself, never react to the situation. Take a moment to assess what is happening and then act upon it - never ever react. It is almost always fatal for us as males to react instead of proactively acting upon.


5. You and your case will survive the experience in much better shape if you stay out of the gutter, no mud slinging and no disparaging remarks - no matter what.


6. Your future lies in how strong and bold you are able to present your facts to the court, not in how well you react to the allegations from the other parent. Stay in your strength and power, be confident, self-assured and positive. Then, and only then, will you be able to walk away from this experience with your self-respect, self-worth and dignity still intact.

(continued)
BY: Marvin Chapman

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LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT

LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT

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Each state has its own particular laws, customs, precedent setting cases and local rules when it comes to divorce and child custody.. With this caution in mind, the following is an overall education with some general information on issues you may want to ponder when heading into the family court arena.

For many people their first experience with any court is when they experience family court. For many people the family court, divorce, and child custody experience can be devastating. Not only can you lose a good portion of your income, it is also the place where the parents learn when, where and how they will “be allowed” to have time with their children.

After watching numerous television shows featuring attorneys and the court system, many people have preconceived notions about fairness in family courts. The reality is, like any court today, the calendar is packed and relatively little time is devoted to each individual case. Therefore, justice and fairness almost always give way to expediency, which in family law means the orders will be based on biases, prejudices and "feelings," rather than fact, equity and fairness. As a result, both mothers and fathers are usually greatly discouraged and dismayed when they exit the family court system.

The first notion a person needs to understand is that family law is a game. Let’s take a look at just two games:

1. If you walk into your local convenience store and pick up a bag of chips and walk out without paying for them, it’s called “stealing.”

Action: Stealing
Results: Time in jail

2. If you are on first base in a baseball game and you run down to second base, this is also called “stealing” (assuming you are safe at second base).

Action: Stealing
Results: You’re a hero

In both of these games the “Action” is the same: “Stealing.”

3. Question: Why such different “Results” when the “Action” is the same?

4. Answer: Different game - Different sets of rules.

In the game of life, stealing is a crime which will land you in jail. In the game of baseball, stealing is advantages and will make you a hero.

Treating the “game” of family court with the same rules as the “game” of life (truth, justice, honesty, integrity, fairness and equality) would be like playing baseball with the same rules as the game of life (refusing to steal a base because it is against your principles to steal).

Just as it would not make sense to play the game of baseball by the rules in the game of life, it does not make sense to play the game of family law by the rules of the game of life.

You need to know the game you are playing, you need to know about family court.

Family court has also been referred to as being like a game of chess: You need to anticipate the other players move BEFORE they make it. Just like in chess, never, ever play defensively - you’ll be a guaranteed “loser” in family court if you start playing defensively.

Preparation is the most important key to playing the game of family court. Organizing and managing your divorce or child custody case must be your top priority. Do not expect or assume your attorney (if you have one) will be organized or particularly adept at case management. Remember, attorneys went to law school to become litigators to “win” for their clients. You need to stay on top of all issues in your case. You must know and understand your case inside and out.

Family court is a multi-billion dollar business and a big part of the “game” is money. Find this hard to believe? Visit your nearest family court. You will discover the judge sits on the bench for about six (6) hours a day, with as few as 20, to as many as 45 or more cases to hear each day. This translates into about 15 minutes per case.

This literally means your financial future (support) and the amount of time you are allowed to be with your children (custody and visitation) may be decided in 15 minutes or less. If anyone really cared about you, your ex or your children, could they make significant determinations about your life in 15 minutes or less? Again, if you find this notion hard to believe, simply visit your nearest family court, watch a divorce or child custody hearing and see what happens.

While it is true more time is allowed for final “trials;” in most states, the only thing “final” about the final trial is that your status is changed from being married to being single, and your property has been divided. Almost all other issues are open for later interpretations, modifications and future court hearings.

Generally, the issues of custody, visitation and child support are almost always open for future modifications - and those are the hearings which last 15 minutes or less. Again, if someone really cared about you and your reorganizing family, could they make major decisions about your life in as little as 15 minutes?

If money were not the bottom line in family court, it would have been taken out of the adversarial system long ago. Comparatively, there is little money in education, information, mediation, negotiations and collaboration. As in every other area of life, when money becomes more important than people, then truth, justice, honesty, fairness, equality and freedom are sacrificed. Such is the case in family court.

In family court, the family unit, the restructuring of the family, and the needs of individual family members are all sacrificed on the alter of making money. Greed is a great motivator.

Currently, we are stuck with family court being under the umbrella of the adversarial system. Since this is your life, your relationship with your children, and your financial future being decided, you need to retain the role of decision-maker in your case at all times. Although you may retain an attorney or have someone whom you trust as coach, your primary job is to make decisions about your life.

NEVER FORGET

Only you, the other parent and your children will have to live with the final results from family court.
Either way the attorneys and all court related personnel will get paid.

By: Marvin Chapman
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Family Court and Divorce within the Adversarial system

FAMILY COURT (DIVORCE) WITHIN THE ADVERSARIAL SYSTEM

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Family courts are governed individually by each state, with each state having its own peculiar laws, precedent setting cases and local rules. However, one common thread is no-fault divorce, now the law in one form or another in almost all 50 states.

No-fault divorce simply means one party is not required to prove fault (guilty of some type of misconduct such as adultery or abuse) on the part of the other party in order to justify filing for divorce. Generally, all a person has to say is something like they believe their marriage is irretrievably broken due to irreconcilable differences and a divorce will be granted. Maybe more accurately, no-fault divorce has also been called unilateral divorce because no-fault allows either party, at any time, for any reason (or for no reason at all) to obtain a divorce.

In family court, the "must win" attitude of the adversarial process serves to perpetuate and exacerbate the parental conflict. When the attorney prepares the stage to “win” for their client, they are simultaneously appealing to their client’s sense of justice, vindication and validation. In this adversarial process, parents learn (or are taught by their attorneys) that in order to “win” in family court, they must cast the other parent in a significant bad light.

This “must win” attitude then provides the justification needed for one parent to verbally tear the other parent apart through false allegations of physical or sexual abuse, alcoholism, drug addition or some other form of dysfunction. The fact the party being unfairly and unjustly torn apart is the mother or father of the children involved is totally lost in the emotionally packed adversarial process of “winning at all cost.”

Therefore, in family court, the “truth” of any given situation is rarely discovered.

Generally, the only thing “discovered” in the adversarial family court process is which parent chose the better advocate.

Hopefully the above simplified overview makes the following crystal clear:


Although family court is “no fault”
If you want to be a “winner“
Family court is nothing but fault.


For more information on this topic visit:
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By: Marvin Chapman
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Preparation for your divorce and/or child custody case

Preparation for your divorce and/or child custody case

Prior to Court
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Prior to your court hearing, you need to go to the courthouse and watch how other divorce and child custody cases are conducted. If possible, go to the exact courtroom in which your case will be heard and see how the judge handles their courtroom. Watch the courtroom process and become familiar with how things are done.

Even though you were in the courtroom observing the proceedings a day or two before, on the day of your hearing make sure you tell the court clerk or bailiff your name and make sure you are in the correct courtroom.

You can never be too prepared for a divorce or child custody court hearing. Therefore, before each court appearance, review, review, review and review some more. You need to know your court documents for that hearing inside and out.

On the Court Day

Dress appropriately and comfortably. A coat and tie are not necessarily required, but slacks and a dress shirt are the minimums. You want to look good, look professional, look respectful, without looking like a million dollars.

Never, ever be late for a divorce or child custody court hearing.

Unless requested otherwise by court personnel, do not take your children to court.

Watch your behavior from the moment you get out of your car until the time you drive away from the courthouse. You never know who is watching, what they are watching and who they may be talking to - stay alert.

Do not chew gum or candy while in the courtroom.

Once in the courtroom, do not leave unless your attorney gives you the OK. Not leaving the courtroom is especially important if you are representing yourself because if they call your case and you are in the restroom, they may count you as a “non-appearance” and take your case “off calendar.”

Stand up when the judge enters the courtroom and wait until he/she sits down before you do. Making eye contact with the judge during the proceedings is OK, but do not stare. The judge is the authority of the courtroom, they make the rules (and they can change the rules without every saying a word about it, so be flexible, be prepared and be confident).

Take a pad of paper with you to your divorce or child custody court hearing so you can write down any important information such as, dates and times of continuances, temporary orders, or special instructions from the judge.

Keep your focus purposeful and directed. Do not allow yourself to become disappointed or drained by the legal process. Family court procedures can be very stressful with frustrating delays, confusing rules and unfair tactics by some attorneys. Shake off the negatives, hold on to a positive thought and keep your energy level up - this is your life, this is your child’s life, and this is you and your child’s future at stake.

Listen to what is being said and mark down on a piece of paper any lies, discrepancies or omissions in the other parent’s testimony including any of the other parent’s witnesses’ testimony. If you have an attorney, do not whisper to your attorney; instead, pass along the notes you have been writing (unless otherwise instructed by your attorney).

When testifying in your divorce or child custody hearing, make the assumption the judge has not read any of your file, none of your current paperwork, and therefore knows absolutely nothing about your case.

Be confident, not cocky; Be assertive, not aggressive. Give an impression of confidence in yourself and your abilities as a parent.

Anytime the judge speaks to you, respond in a pleasant and polite manner.

Do not whisper or talk while the judge is talking. Never, ever make faces, gestures or remarks in response to what was said by the other parent, their attorney, a witness, or the judge. Have your best happy and confident poker face firmly planted.

Obviously, never lose your temper in front of the judge - no matter what happens, no matter what is said, no matter was is done. Stay calm, in control and confident even under extreme stress and duress. Do not get into arguments or make unseemly remarks to anyone in the court or in the halls or any surrounding area before, during or after the hearing or any breaks during the hearing.

When questioned by the judge or attorneys, keep your answers short and to the point. Never volunteer any information whatsoever. If you have an attorney, always look to your attorney before answering any questions - allowing your attorney time to object to the questioning if they need to.

In California, you will want to take a self-addressed-stamped-envelope (SASE) to give to the court clerk to mail you a copy of the Minute Order from your divorce or child custody hearing. This will save you a trip back to the courthouse later to pick up your Minute Order.

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By: Marvin Chapman
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Family Court: Steps in preparing for your case

Steps in Preparing Your Case

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Step 1: KEEPING A JOURNAL

Immediately upon knowing you will be going into family court (or when you think you are heading into family court), one of the first and most important things you need to start doing is keeping journal of all significant events concerning you, your children, your finances and the other parent.

More often than not, each time you go to your divorce or child custody hearings you will need to provide a statement as to specifically what you want and justification for why you should get it. This written statement is called your “declaration.” The information in your declaration is taken directly from your written journal as outlined above.

In family court, some judges will not listen to what you have to say verbally. They will rely totally on what you have written in your papers and what the other parent has written in their responsive papers. Therefore, writing your declaration may be a very critical part of whether or not you get what you are asking for, which makes your journal entries extremely important to your case.

Step 2: PREPARING TO WRITE YOUR DECLARATION

Stay away from bringing up negative issues about the other parent, it usually makes you and not the other parent, look bad in the eyes of the court. However, many times in response to issues raised by the other parent, you will need to respond by bring up negative issues. Likewise, many times the only way to show a substantial change of circumstances affecting the best interest of your child is to bring up negative issues about the other parent. However, be very careful in the way you bring up those negative issues.

Only bring up negative issues IF you can show, demonstrate or prove how it directly affects your child or your relationship with your child - otherwise, leave it alone.

The cardinal rule of bringing up negative issues is that you always, always, always, label the negative issues as “CONCERNS.” Example: “I am concerned that every time I go to pick up our child, the other parent is never at home. I believe this confuses our child and allows our child to believe I have not come to see them and do not care about them, which is simply not true and not in our child’s best interests.”

Step 3: WRITING YOUR DECLARATION

Your declaration is simply your very clearly written statement of what has happened, including all dates whenever possible, which clearly provide the court with the reasons and justifications for the order you want the court to make. Every request you make needs to have a reason or justification for it. The judge knows absolutely nothing about you or your case. You need to bring the judge up to speed about your case very quickly (they don’t have much time to review each case, maybe 5 to 10 minutes at most).

Whenever possible, attach proof or evidence which supports what you are writing. If you do not have the proof or evidence, then state where such evidence is located. Some ideas as to proof or evidence may be pictures of you and your children enjoying your time together, statements from witnesses who have seen you interact with your children, time cards showing when you actually work, letters from teachers or church leaders as to your involvement with school and church. Get creative, but be able to back up your claims.

Step 4: THE COURT FILE

You will want to ensure you have an exact copy of the court file, which you can get from the County Clerk at your family courthouse. Your court file is needed so whomever is assisting you can see what has happened so far in your case.

Also, there are many times wherein something which has happened before will prevent you from bringing up the same issues again - a review of your court file will let you know this information. Additionally, there are many times wherein new or different paperwork is required based on what has happened before - again, a review of your court file will let you know this information.

Therefore, you will want to keep and maintain an up-to-date court file at all times.

Step 5: CHILD SUPPORT AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT (ALIMONY)

It is in your best interests to start getting copies of all canceled checks made for any kind of support you have paid and ensure you make copies of both the front and the back of those checks. Additionally, ensure you put on the check itself on the bottom left hand “comments” section that the check is for “child support” or “spousal support.”

Remember: IF YOU CAN’T PROVE YOU HAVE PAID IT, YOU OWE IT !

Never, ever pay any type of support in cash. Why? Because there is no way to prove the other parent received the money if you do not have a copy of the other parent’s signature and deposit notations from your canceled check.

Step 6: MAINTAIN ORGANIZED FILES OF EVERYTHING

You will eventually have numerous files about your divorce or child custody case which you will want to maintain and keep organized at all times. Some of the files you will want to keep are as follows:

A) One file for all correspondence with the other parent kept in chronological
order;

B) One file for all correspondence with your attorney and/or paralegal kept in
chronological order;

C) One file for all correspondence with the other parent’s attorney kept in
chronological order;

D) One file for all correspondence with the state agency collecting support
payments kept in chronological order; and

E) One file of all proof of all payments made for support (including both the front and the back of canceled checks).

Step 7: CONSULTATION WITH AN ATTORNEY AND/OR PARALEGAL

Armed with all of the information as outlined in Step 1 through Step 6 above, you are now ready to consult with an attorney, paralegal and or support organization about your divorce or child custody case.


One last thing:

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until
it is faced." ---James Baldwin

By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org

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Mediation & Collaborative approach as compared to the Adversarial Divorce approach

Mediation and Collaborative Approaches as Compared to the Adversarial Approach

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In the adversarial approach, the definition of the issues is primarily determined by the attorneys. In mediation and collaborative approaches, the issues are defined by the parents. In the adversarial approach, the legal framework for the action is John vs Jane, the emphasis is on the individual. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the legal framework for the action is John and Jane, the emphasis is on the couple and their reorganizing and restructuring family.

In the adversarial approach, the parents relationship is focused on past issues, blaming, shaming, mistrust and revenge. In mediation and collaborative approaches, the parents relationship is focused on restructuring family issues, reorganizing styles of communication, and cooperation. The parents relationship creates conflicts with their children, loyalties are divided and rewards are received for alienating the children against the other parent - creating adjustment problems for the children. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the parents relationship focuses on preserving both parents’ relationships with their children.

In the adversarial approach, the court decides the parenting plan (regardless of the fact the judge has no idea what is best for this family). In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the parents decide the best parenting plan for them and their restructuring family. In the adversarial approach, the expense to the parents can be and typically is enormous. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the expense is less, and many time times much less - thereby allowing the restructuring family to keep control over more of their assets.

In the adversarial approach, the time to conclusion can be extensive (after all, more time means more money for the attorneys). In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the time to conclusion is almost totally controlled by the parents. There is usually no confidentiality and the issues are open for public exposure. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, there is total confidentiality and the issues are not open for public exposure.

In the adversarial approach, the goal and desired outcome is to win at all costs, giving in as little as possible to gain as much as possible from the judge. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, the goal and desired outcome is to come to a fair, reasonable, equitable and mutually acceptable agreement as determined by the restructuring family.

With the adversarial approach, adherence to the terms of the court order is far from certain and typically will create the atmosphere of even more mistrust, which results in even more court hearings in the future. In the mediation and collaborative approaches, adherence to the terms of the agreement are far more likely since the terms of the agreement were negotiated and agreed upon by the parents themselves, therefore lessening the chances of returning for additional court hearings in the future.

By: Marvin Chapman
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The Collaborative Divorce Approach

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A new non-adversarial divorce process is sweeping the country. This new paradigm is known as collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members.

Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court process that assists husbands and wives to dissolve their marriage in a compassionate, practical and informed way, while proceeding at their own pace - not based on the court’s schedule.

Collaborative divorce is a process that supports the entire family and provides for a smooth transition for all family members. This method puts together a professional team for each couple who agree to use the process. Just as in the traditional adversarial process, both husband and wife choose an attorney to represent them; however, these attorneys have been specially-trained in the collaborative process.

Joining the team are two or three mental health professionals, one of whom is retained by each spouse as their coach, and one who is hired as the child specialist - serving as the voice of the children. Rounding off the team (if needed) is the financial specialist, who is a certified financial planner, or in some cases a certified public accountant. The attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists have received specialized training in the collaborative divorce process.

In the traditional adversarial divorce method, many parents use the process as a therapeutic tool to heal or sooth their pain, to justify their actions, or to seek vindication for the perceived “wrong” of the other parent, all of which become powerful emotional weapons to be used to “win at all costs” - and cost it does, a lot, both emotionally and financially.

In the collaborative process, instead of paying their attorneys to conduct research, discovery and trial preparation to “battle” the other spouse, the parties spend their money on resolving the issues constructively and fairly with the cooperative assistance of their attorneys and other team members. The team is not only committed to keep the parties out of court, they are also there to help the husband and wife transition their marriage into two households in a peaceful, intelligent and restorative manner.

Therefore, rather than spending the parties’ resources in numerous court appearances, which have the potential to embitter spouses to exaggerate and exacerbate their differences, the collaborative approach can be less expensive and far less stressful.

The inclusion of the education and information team approach promotes positive healing for all family members, which provides the parties with the opportunity to make the most informed and creative decisions regarding their children. It allows the parties to make intelligent informed decisions regarding the division of their property and the distribution of future support, which will affect the financial future of all family members.

Collaborative divorce is a process which puts the parties directly in charge of their own affairs, a process not typically available under the traditional adversarial method. The adversarial process pits the two attorneys against each other. Then the judge, with no prior knowledge of the family or family dynamics, will make a decision which will affect the entire family for the rest of their lives.

In the collaborative model, power and control is maintained by the family, benefitting all family members by taking into account the uniqueness of each family member.

Comparing Collaborative vs. Adversarial Divorce:

Each of the professionals on the Collaborative team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.

The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.

The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.

Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process is much less expensive. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.

Key Benefits of the Collaborative Divorce Process:

Mutually created resolutions.

Mutually satisfying resolutions.

Durable agreements.

New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues.

Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions.

Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.


How does the Collaborative Process Maximize Financial Resources?

Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances.

The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions.

Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed.

Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems.

The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation.

The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court.

The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.

BY: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org

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