Family Court: Preparing for your Divorce Case

Preparing Your Divorce Case

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Step 1: KEEPING A JOURNAL

Immediately upon knowing you will be going into family court (or when you think you are heading into family court), one of the first and most important things you need to start doing is keeping journal of all significant events concerning you, your children, your finances and the other parent.

More often than not, each time you go to your divorce or child custody hearings you will need to provide a statement as to specifically what you want and justification for why you should get it. This written statement is called your “declaration.” The information in your declaration is taken directly from your written journal as outlined above.

In family court, some judges will not listen to what you have to say verbally. They will rely totally on what you have written in your papers and what the other parent has written in their responsive papers. Therefore, writing your declaration may be a very critical part of whether or not you get what you are asking for, which makes your journal entries extremely important to your case.

Step 2: PREPARING TO WRITE YOUR DECLARATION

Stay away from bringing up negative issues about the other parent, it usually makes you and not the other parent, look bad in the eyes of the court. However, many times in response to issues raised by the other parent, you will need to respond by bring up negative issues. Likewise, many times the only way to show a substantial change of circumstances affecting the best interest of your child is to bring up negative issues about the other parent. However, be very careful in the way you bring up those negative issues.

Only bring up negative issues IF you can show, demonstrate or prove how it directly affects your child or your relationship with your child - otherwise, leave it alone.

The cardinal rule of bringing up negative issues is that you always, always, always, label the negative issues as “CONCERNS.” Example: “I am concerned that every time I go to pick up our child, the other parent is never at home. I believe this confuses our child and allows our child to believe I have not come to see them and do not care about them, which is simply not true and not in our child’s best interests.”

Step 3: WRITING YOUR DECLARATION

Your declaration is simply your very clearly written statement of what has happened, including all dates whenever possible, which clearly provide the court with the reasons and justifications for the order you want the court to make. Every request you make needs to have a reason or justification for it. The judge knows absolutely nothing about you or your case. You need to bring the judge up to speed about your case very quickly (they don’t have much time to review each case, maybe 5 to 10 minutes at most).

Whenever possible, attach proof or evidence which supports what you are writing. If you do not have the proof or evidence, then state where such evidence is located. Some ideas as to proof or evidence may be pictures of you and your children enjoying your time together, statements from witnesses who have seen you interact with your children, time cards showing when you actually work, letters from teachers or church leaders as to your involvement with school and church. Get creative, but be able to back up your claims.

Step 4: THE COURT FILE

You will want to ensure you have an exact copy of the court divorce file, which you can get from the County Clerk at your family courthouse. Your court divorce file is needed so whomever is assisting you can see what has happened so far in your case.

Also, there are many times wherein something which has happened before will prevent you from bringing up the same issues again - a review of your court file will let you know this information. Additionally, there are many times wherein new or different paperwork is required based on what has happened before - again, a review of your court file will let you know this information.

Therefore, you will want to keep and maintain an up-to-date court file at all times.

Step 5: CHILD SUPPORT AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT (ALIMONY)

It is in your best interests to start getting copies of all canceled checks made for any kind of support you have paid and ensure you make copies of both the front and the back of those checks. Additionally, ensure you put on the check itself on the bottom left hand “comments” section that the check is for “child support” or “spousal support.”

IF YOU CAN’T PROVE YOU HAVE PAID IT, YOU OWE IT !

Never, ever pay any type of support in cash. Why? Because there is no way to prove the other parent received the money if you do not have a copy of the other parent’s signature and deposit notations from your canceled check.

Step 6: MAINTAIN ORGANIZED FILES OF EVERYTHING

You will eventually have numerous files about your divorce or child custody case which you will want to maintain and keep organized at all times. Some of the files you will want to keep are as follows:

A) One file for all correspondence with the other parent kept in chronological
order;

B) One file for all correspondence with your attorney and/or paralegal kept in
chronological order;

C) One file for all correspondence with the other parent’s family law attorney kept in chronological order;

D) One file for all correspondence with the state agency collecting support
payments kept in chronological order; and

E) One file of all proof of all payments made for support (including both the front and the back of canceled checks).

Step 7: CONSULTATION WITH AN ATTORNEY AND/OR PARALEGAL

Armed with all of the information as outlined in Step 1 through Step 6 above, you are now ready to consult with a family law attorney, paralegal and or support organization about your divorce or child custody case.

One last thing:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until
it is faced." ---James Baldwin

By: Marvin Chapman

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Mr. Marvin L. Chapman - Dedicated Fathers

Mr. Marvin L. Chapman

Author/Creator of Dedicated Fathers
President of United Fathers of America
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC27081)
Clinical Forensic Couselor (F16841)
Certified Collaborative Divorce Coach

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Mr. Marvin L. Chapman has over 25 years of experience both inside and outside of the family court system. He has been involved in thousands of cases and has developed a working professional relationship with the courts, facilitator's offices, Legal Aid Society, Department of Social Services, Department of Child Support Services, private attorneys, forensic professionals, private therapists, and many others. This lifetime of knowledge and experience is what Marvin draws upon when assisting parents who are going through the family court process. It is Marvin's passion and his joy to share his knowledge and experience with others.

Marvin Chapman's full professional resume and biography can be viewed by clicking on the following link:
Marvin's Bio

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divorce mediation part 5 - recommendation

DIVORCE MEDIATION
Part 5
Recommendation Mediation

BY: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
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Court Connected Mandatory Mediation - Recommendation Mediation

If your County Mediation office IS NOT confidential, meaning they do make a recommendation to the court, then listen closely...

Be very careful. Everything you say, every thing you do (or do not do), every action, every reaction, every statement or lack of statement, can and will be used against you by the mediator in their recommendation to the court.

Why? Because mediators are people with similar biases, prejudices, preconceived notions, belief in stereotypes and other dysfunctions - just like normal people. It is extremely unfortunate confidentiality is not mandated because in recommendation mediation, any and all of any particular mediators’ biases, prejudices, stereotypes and preconceived notions will have an effect on their “recommendation” to the court - a recommendation which the court will almost always follow.

If mediation is not confidential then you will need to dress, walk, talk and act as if you are in front of the judge. You will want to present your reasons and explanations for what you are asking without making disparaging remarks about the other parent and without the need to justify your reasons. This is a time to show how you can stay out of the garbage pit of emotions, time to show you can stay focused on the best interests of your children, and time to demonstrate how you plan on making your parenting plan work for all concerned.

Remember, if mediation is not confidential, then everything - and I mean everything -can be and will be subjectively evaluated by the mediator. The mediator’s subjective evaluation, including all of their biases, prejudices, preconceived notions and stereotype beliefs, will impact their recommendation to the court.

This is the time and place to demonstrate your friendliness, the openness from which you are willing to deal in mediation, and your pleasant personality in getting along with the other parent, all of which will go a long way towards warming the mediator to your way of thinking.

BY: Marvin Chapman

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A Thank You to all Dedicated Fathers

Thank You for Visiting Dedicated Fathers

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Thank you for being a Dedicated Father. You may not hear that from your children until years from now, you will probably never hear it from society; however, you will hear it repeatedly from us - thank you for being a Dedicated father.

By you visiting this blog, you or someone close to you is probably involved in a divorce, child custody , or family court battle. First and foremost let me assure you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We have assisted thousands of fathers just like you who were confused and intimidated by the adversarial family court process. By empowering parents with information, they have been able to gain the confidence they needed to successfully confront their divorce or child custody case.

Obviously, there is no magic formula, each divorce or child custody case is unique unto itself.
However, there is one fact that is true in every case:
You need power when confronting the adversarial family court system.

You Need Power
Information is Power
You Need Information

Information allows you to make better and more informed decisions for you and your restructuring family. Information helps you remain sane - especially within the insane world of family court. Information will give you the tools to be an example to your children during this traumatic time.

Here are just five (5) examples of the information the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series will give you:

1. It will teach you how to take charge of your relationship with your children, which is the best way to let them know how much they mean to you.

2. It will help you to become pro-actively involved with your divorce case, rather than reactive.

3. It will empower you to confront the procedures of family court, and the inherent biases against fathers.

4. It will provide you with what you need to put yourself in a better position to successfully navigate the adversarial family court system.

5. It will show you how to gain control over your life by learning how to case manage and organize your own divorce or child custody case, thereby making you an actively involved team member with your attorney.


Family court IS NOT about going out and hiring the best family law attorney you can afford, and then just hoping and praying they will advocate for your interests and concerns.

Family court IS about becoming an active team member with your attorney.

Your family court mission statement is the following:

“My mission is to ensure my interests are protected and my concerns addressed in a pro-active and powerful manner. To accomplish my mission, I must be in a constant state of being prepared. I will have to live with the actions I take now, for the rest of my life. Therefore, I must get organized and I must stay organized for the betterment of myself and children.”

Learn from all the fathers who have gone before you. For over 26 years we have been assisting parents going through the trauma of divorce and the family courts. Take our experience and use it. The information in the Dedicated Fathers Audio Book Series will help demystify the confusing and frustrating adversarial family court process. It will help you can gain the confidence you need to confront the processes, procedures and divorce issues with which you will be bombarded throughout your stay in the adversarial family court arena.

Armed with the power of the information in the audio series, you will have with the power-tools needed to successfully complete your mission. For the cost of only one (1) hour with a family law attorney, you will receive the education and information which could save you thousands of dollars. Your future will thank you for your insight of taking the steps today which will bring you a better tomorrow.

Again, Thank you for being a Dedicated Father.

I look forward to your joining our growing family of Dedicated fathers and like them, remember....

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
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Family Court and Divorce within the Adversarial system

FAMILY COURT (DIVORCE) WITHIN THE ADVERSARIAL SYSTEM

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Family courts are governed individually by each state, with each state having its own peculiar laws, precedent setting cases and local rules. However, one common thread is no-fault divorce, now the law in one form or another in almost all 50 states.

No-fault divorce simply means one party is not required to prove fault (guilty of some type of misconduct such as adultery or abuse) on the part of the other party in order to justify filing for divorce. Generally, all a person has to say is something like they believe their marriage is irretrievably broken due to irreconcilable differences and a divorce will be granted. Maybe more accurately, no-fault divorce has also been called unilateral divorce because no-fault allows either party, at any time, for any reason (or for no reason at all) to obtain a divorce.

In family court, the "must win" attitude of the adversarial process serves to perpetuate and exacerbate the parental conflict. When the attorney prepares the stage to “win” for their client, they are simultaneously appealing to their client’s sense of justice, vindication and validation. In this adversarial process, parents learn (or are taught by their attorneys) that in order to “win” in family court, they must cast the other parent in a significant bad light.

This “must win” attitude then provides the justification needed for one parent to verbally tear the other parent apart through false allegations of physical or sexual abuse, alcoholism, drug addition or some other form of dysfunction. The fact the party being unfairly and unjustly torn apart is the mother or father of the children involved is totally lost in the emotionally packed adversarial process of “winning at all cost.”

Therefore, in family court, the “truth” of any given situation is rarely discovered.

Generally, the only thing “discovered” in the adversarial family court process is which parent chose the better advocate.

Hopefully the above simplified overview makes the following crystal clear:


Although family court is “no fault”
If you want to be a “winner“
Family court is nothing but fault.


For more information on this topic visit:
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By: Marvin Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
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Preparation for your divorce and/or child custody case

Preparation for your divorce and/or child custody case

Prior to Court
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Prior to your court hearing, you need to go to the courthouse and watch how other divorce and child custody cases are conducted. If possible, go to the exact courtroom in which your case will be heard and see how the judge handles their courtroom. Watch the courtroom process and become familiar with how things are done.

Even though you were in the courtroom observing the proceedings a day or two before, on the day of your hearing make sure you tell the court clerk or bailiff your name and make sure you are in the correct courtroom.

You can never be too prepared for a divorce or child custody court hearing. Therefore, before each court appearance, review, review, review and review some more. You need to know your court documents for that hearing inside and out.

On the Court Day

Dress appropriately and comfortably. A coat and tie are not necessarily required, but slacks and a dress shirt are the minimums. You want to look good, look professional, look respectful, without looking like a million dollars.

Never, ever be late for a divorce or child custody court hearing.

Unless requested otherwise by court personnel, do not take your children to court.

Watch your behavior from the moment you get out of your car until the time you drive away from the courthouse. You never know who is watching, what they are watching and who they may be talking to - stay alert.

Do not chew gum or candy while in the courtroom.

Once in the courtroom, do not leave unless your attorney gives you the OK. Not leaving the courtroom is especially important if you are representing yourself because if they call your case and you are in the restroom, they may count you as a “non-appearance” and take your case “off calendar.”

Stand up when the judge enters the courtroom and wait until he/she sits down before you do. Making eye contact with the judge during the proceedings is OK, but do not stare. The judge is the authority of the courtroom, they make the rules (and they can change the rules without every saying a word about it, so be flexible, be prepared and be confident).

Take a pad of paper with you to your divorce or child custody court hearing so you can write down any important information such as, dates and times of continuances, temporary orders, or special instructions from the judge.

Keep your focus purposeful and directed. Do not allow yourself to become disappointed or drained by the legal process. Family court procedures can be very stressful with frustrating delays, confusing rules and unfair tactics by some attorneys. Shake off the negatives, hold on to a positive thought and keep your energy level up - this is your life, this is your child’s life, and this is you and your child’s future at stake.

Listen to what is being said and mark down on a piece of paper any lies, discrepancies or omissions in the other parent’s testimony including any of the other parent’s witnesses’ testimony. If you have an attorney, do not whisper to your attorney; instead, pass along the notes you have been writing (unless otherwise instructed by your attorney).

When testifying in your divorce or child custody hearing, make the assumption the judge has not read any of your file, none of your current paperwork, and therefore knows absolutely nothing about your case.

Be confident, not cocky; Be assertive, not aggressive. Give an impression of confidence in yourself and your abilities as a parent.

Anytime the judge speaks to you, respond in a pleasant and polite manner.

Do not whisper or talk while the judge is talking. Never, ever make faces, gestures or remarks in response to what was said by the other parent, their attorney, a witness, or the judge. Have your best happy and confident poker face firmly planted.

Obviously, never lose your temper in front of the judge - no matter what happens, no matter what is said, no matter was is done. Stay calm, in control and confident even under extreme stress and duress. Do not get into arguments or make unseemly remarks to anyone in the court or in the halls or any surrounding area before, during or after the hearing or any breaks during the hearing.

When questioned by the judge or attorneys, keep your answers short and to the point. Never volunteer any information whatsoever. If you have an attorney, always look to your attorney before answering any questions - allowing your attorney time to object to the questioning if they need to.

In California, you will want to take a self-addressed-stamped-envelope (SASE) to give to the court clerk to mail you a copy of the Minute Order from your divorce or child custody hearing. This will save you a trip back to the courthouse later to pick up your Minute Order.

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By: Marvin Chapman
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