Parental Alienation (Part 1)

Parental Alienation (part 1)
www.dedicatedfathers.org

BY: Marvin L. Chapman

Within the mental health field there continues to be an ongoing debate as to whether or not there is such a thing as parental alienation. Some research appears to support the notions behind parental alienation and its effects on children, and yet other research appears to refute it. However, for those of us in the trenches - especially those of us who have spent years in the family court arena - there is no doubt about parental alienation and its consequences.

Parental alienation is generally defined as one parent repeatedly and continuously programming or brainwashing their child against the other parent. Parental alienation may include such acts as obstructing, interfering or outright denying the child’s right to spend time with the other parent. It usually includes statements that the other parent does not care about the child, is too busy for the child, or similar statements all used to coerce the child into believing the other parent and even their extended family do not love the children or care about them anymore. Such begins the breaking down of the parent-child relationship. In its worst form, parental alienation involves false allegations of abuse, neglect, or some other form of alleged harm to the child.

Of the research I have read, most of those opposing the notion of parental alienation have a clear bias towards mothers. This is not surprising given the fact the mother is almost always the parent who attempts to alienate the children, very seldom the father. Those who oppose the notion of parental alienation overwhelmingly state that if there is any real alienation, then it comes from the fathers’ own actions and not due to any wrongdoing on the part of the mother. It appears to me that those who buy into the notion only mother’s can nurture and care for children also buy into the notion that mother’s would never purposefully and systematically alienate the children against their father.

In over 26 years within the family courts, I can categorically state parental alienation is very real in family law. Anyone spending half a day in any family court will clearly see the systematic alienation that is perpetrated in many cases (but then going to court and finding out what really goes on is NOT scientific study - it’s REALITY). Some form of parental alienation is in about fifty percent (50%) of all of my cases as indicated by the following:

The number 1 complaint of all fathers I have seen in over 25 years is that the mother is causing interference, obstruction and denial of their children’s right to spend time with the father.

The number 2 complaint of all fathers I have seen in over 25 years is that the mother is repeatedly and continuously making degrading and derogatory remarks about the father either directly to the children, or at the very least within hearing distance of the children.

The number 3 complaint of all fathers I have seen in over 25 years is that the mother prevents or severely limits the father from having any significant say in the lives of their children as to health decisions, educational decisions, extra-curricular activities and other general welfare decisions - actions which are made solely and unilaterally by the mother.

As stated above, I have found some form of parental alienation in about fifty percent (50%) of all of my cases for over 26 years as outlined above. Therefore, for me and my clients, parental alienation is extremely common. No only are these acts alienating the children, I support the notion that such acts rise to the level of child abuse. It is abusive for one parent to interfere, obstruct or denial children their right to spend time with the other parent. It is abusive for one parent to continuously make degrading and derogatory remarks about the other parent, whether directly to the children or within hearing distance of the children. And it is abusive for one parent to make sole unilateral decisions about the children without any significant input from the other parent - basically cutting the other parent out of the decisions making process for their children.

Unfortunately, what I call child abuse, family court judges call “primary physical custody to mother.” I see hundreds of clients each year and in over half of those cases I hear at least one (1) of the complaints outlined above. Extrapolate those numbers to the general population and we can only guess at the real number of children being abused through the alienation action of their mother.

The reasons one parent alienates the children against the other parent are as varied as the parents’ themselves. However, there are some attributes which have been identified as being the driving force behind alienating behavior, which are the following:

1. Alienating parents may have feelings of abandonment, anger and rage at the other parent;

2. Alienating parents many times are seeking revenge for perceived wrongs;

3. Alienating parents may have acute or chronic psychological and/or emotional problems;

4. Alienating parents typically harbor resentment from events that happened during the marriage;

5. Alienating parents can be over-enmeshed with their children, resulting in over-protectiveness; and

6. Alienating parents may have an overwhelming need to “prove” they were right and the other parent was wrong.

Likewise, some children are more susceptible to alienation than others and there are some attributes which have been found to be common among children who succumb to alienation tactics, which are the following:

1. Children with a strong psychological bond with the alienating parent;

2. Children with an excessively dependent relationship with the alienating parent;

3. Children who live in fear of losing the alienating parent’s love and support;

4. Children who become overly protective of the alienating parent - sometimes taking on the role of a surrogate spouse (taking “care of” the alienating parent); and

5. Children who respond positively to outside encouragement for expressing their feelings of being abandonment or rejection by the alienated parent.

Please check back next week for part 2 of this article on Parental Alienation.
Be sure to visit our website for more information on divorce and child custody.
www.dedicatedfathers.org

Robert and Rob EQUAL parenting bike trek!

Fathers to ride over 600 miles for Equality in Parenting Rights!

From daddyblogger.com

It is official! August 11th 2007 Robert Pedersen and Rob Mackenzie will start their over 600 mile bicycle trek from the Lansing Capitol to Washington, D.C.. This will be an intense multi-day bike trek through numerous states ending in Washington, D.C. where they will be greeted by thousands of people attending the national rally in Washington, D.C. on August the 18th.

It is simply amazing that two fathers are going to attempt this trip all in the name and support of shared parenting! They do this to protect a child's right to EQUAL time with BOTH fit parents! Many elected officials and supporters will see the riders off at the Lansing Capitol and thousands will greet them in Washington, D.C.

Follow this link for the entire story:
http://daddy.typepad.com/daddyblog/2007/04/robert_and_rob_.html


www.dedicatedfathers.org

Family Court: Preparing for your Divorce Case

Preparing Your Divorce Case

www.dedicatedfathers.org

Step 1: KEEPING A JOURNAL

Immediately upon knowing you will be going into family court (or when you think you are heading into family court), one of the first and most important things you need to start doing is keeping journal of all significant events concerning you, your children, your finances and the other parent.

More often than not, each time you go to your divorce or child custody hearings you will need to provide a statement as to specifically what you want and justification for why you should get it. This written statement is called your “declaration.” The information in your declaration is taken directly from your written journal as outlined above.

In family court, some judges will not listen to what you have to say verbally. They will rely totally on what you have written in your papers and what the other parent has written in their responsive papers. Therefore, writing your declaration may be a very critical part of whether or not you get what you are asking for, which makes your journal entries extremely important to your case.

Step 2: PREPARING TO WRITE YOUR DECLARATION

Stay away from bringing up negative issues about the other parent, it usually makes you and not the other parent, look bad in the eyes of the court. However, many times in response to issues raised by the other parent, you will need to respond by bring up negative issues. Likewise, many times the only way to show a substantial change of circumstances affecting the best interest of your child is to bring up negative issues about the other parent. However, be very careful in the way you bring up those negative issues.

Only bring up negative issues IF you can show, demonstrate or prove how it directly affects your child or your relationship with your child - otherwise, leave it alone.

The cardinal rule of bringing up negative issues is that you always, always, always, label the negative issues as “CONCERNS.” Example: “I am concerned that every time I go to pick up our child, the other parent is never at home. I believe this confuses our child and allows our child to believe I have not come to see them and do not care about them, which is simply not true and not in our child’s best interests.”

Step 3: WRITING YOUR DECLARATION

Your declaration is simply your very clearly written statement of what has happened, including all dates whenever possible, which clearly provide the court with the reasons and justifications for the order you want the court to make. Every request you make needs to have a reason or justification for it. The judge knows absolutely nothing about you or your case. You need to bring the judge up to speed about your case very quickly (they don’t have much time to review each case, maybe 5 to 10 minutes at most).

Whenever possible, attach proof or evidence which supports what you are writing. If you do not have the proof or evidence, then state where such evidence is located. Some ideas as to proof or evidence may be pictures of you and your children enjoying your time together, statements from witnesses who have seen you interact with your children, time cards showing when you actually work, letters from teachers or church leaders as to your involvement with school and church. Get creative, but be able to back up your claims.

Step 4: THE COURT FILE

You will want to ensure you have an exact copy of the court divorce file, which you can get from the County Clerk at your family courthouse. Your court divorce file is needed so whomever is assisting you can see what has happened so far in your case.

Also, there are many times wherein something which has happened before will prevent you from bringing up the same issues again - a review of your court file will let you know this information. Additionally, there are many times wherein new or different paperwork is required based on what has happened before - again, a review of your court file will let you know this information.

Therefore, you will want to keep and maintain an up-to-date court file at all times.

Step 5: CHILD SUPPORT AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT (ALIMONY)

It is in your best interests to start getting copies of all canceled checks made for any kind of support you have paid and ensure you make copies of both the front and the back of those checks. Additionally, ensure you put on the check itself on the bottom left hand “comments” section that the check is for “child support” or “spousal support.”

IF YOU CAN’T PROVE YOU HAVE PAID IT, YOU OWE IT !

Never, ever pay any type of support in cash. Why? Because there is no way to prove the other parent received the money if you do not have a copy of the other parent’s signature and deposit notations from your canceled check.

Step 6: MAINTAIN ORGANIZED FILES OF EVERYTHING

You will eventually have numerous files about your divorce or child custody case which you will want to maintain and keep organized at all times. Some of the files you will want to keep are as follows:

A) One file for all correspondence with the other parent kept in chronological
order;

B) One file for all correspondence with your attorney and/or paralegal kept in
chronological order;

C) One file for all correspondence with the other parent’s family law attorney kept in chronological order;

D) One file for all correspondence with the state agency collecting support
payments kept in chronological order; and

E) One file of all proof of all payments made for support (including both the front and the back of canceled checks).

Step 7: CONSULTATION WITH AN ATTORNEY AND/OR PARALEGAL

Armed with all of the information as outlined in Step 1 through Step 6 above, you are now ready to consult with a family law attorney, paralegal and or support organization about your divorce or child custody case.

One last thing:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until
it is faced." ---James Baldwin

By: Marvin Chapman

Order the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series Today!

Child Abuse, Divorce, and Child Custody

ALLEGATIONS OF CHILD ABUSE
Divorce & Child Custody (part 2)

By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

In the California Family Code Section 3027.1 it states the following:

“If a court determines...that an accusation of child abuse or neglect made during a child custody proceeding is false and the person making the accusation knew it to be false at the time the accusation was made, the court may impose reasonable money sanctions, not to exceed all costs incurred by the party accused as a direct result of defending the accusation, and reasonable attorney’s fees incurred in recovering the sanctions, against the person making the accusation.”

In over 26 years in the family court arena, I have never experienced nor have I ever heard of any judge actually determining someone has knowingly made a false allegation of child abuse.

Pretty amazing fact when you consider the following:

Outside of family court: Independent third parties are generally the ones making the allegations.

Outside of family court: Mothers are found responsible for 49% of child abuse cases (with fathers, other relatives and strangers making up the other 51%).

Inside family court: By an overwhelming majority, it is mothers who make allegations against fathers [even though statistically, the mother has a higher probability of committing abuse (49% of all cases as shown above). This fact is totally ignored in family court.

Inside family court: The vast majority of the allegations can not be verified or validated; however, the father is almost always treated as guilty from day one.

Research shows that upon the accusation of child abuse in family court, the presumption of guilt is taken for granted by the majority of attorneys and judges. Therefore from the onset, an accused father is treated as though he were guilty. As indicated in Part 1 of this Allegations of Child Abuse section, in family court (divorce court) child abuse allegations require no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nor any other tangible evidence - the mere unsubstantiated allegation will do.

Research also shows mothers often obtain sole custody of the children, terminate or severely restrict visitation with the father, then request an increase in child support due to the reduced time the father has with his children. All of these consequences tearing apart the restructuring family, severely damaging father-child relationships, injuring the father emotionally, and many times destroying the father financially. All of this trauma built around unfounded false allegations. With such devastating consequences you would think family courts would be more pro-active in going after those who make false allegations. Unfortuantely for the families involved, not only do the courts not go after those making false allegations pro-actively, they don’t go after them at all!

The author of this article, Marvin Chapman, has a great website devoted to fathers rights and divorce. Why not check it out?
Visit www.unitedfathers.org

Defend Your Rights Today!
Order the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series Now!

Divorce & Child Custody - Child Abuse

Divorce & Child Custody:
ALLEGATIONS OF CHILD ABUSE

Part 1 of 2
By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Research verifies mothers are responsible for 49% of all child abuse cases (with other relatives, strangers and fathers making up the other 51%).

In family court, twice as many mothers make child abuse allegations against fathers as do fathers against mothers.

Therefore, the mother making the allegation of child abuse against the father in a divorce is much more likely to be the perpetrator of the abuse than is the father.

Unfortuantely, the above facts are totally ignored by family courts.

In family court, the normal standards of evidence required for common criminals do not apply. In family court, child abuse allegations require no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nor any other tangible evidence - the mere unsubstantiated allegation will do. Research proves upon the accusation of child abuse in family court, the presumption of guilt is taken for granted by the majority of attorneys and judges. Therefore, in family court, unsubstantiated hearsay allegations of abuse is all it takes for a father to be “guilty,” along with all the consequences which go with that “guilty” verdict. From the onset, the father will be treated as though he were found guilty in a real court.

Because the presumption of guilt is taken for granted by the majority of attorneys and judges in family court, the father will almost immediately be separated from his children - at least until he can “prove” his innocence. How does a father prove his innocence? How does he prove something did not happen? The reality is, he can’t. The very fact something did not happen prevents him from proving the non-happening of the non-event. It is a very well known and accepted fact that you can not prove the non-happening of a non-event - that is, except in family court.

During a divorce, the mere allegation of child abuse can and most of the time will cause an irreparable breakdown of the accused parent-child relationship. At the very least the previously healthy parent-child relationship will be disrupted and interfered with unnecessarily. The accused parent will typically become defensive and in the effort to prove their innocence, they will many times unwittingly distance themselves from their child, which is then used against them as verification of some form of abuse. With false allegations of abuse only the mothers win - fathers, children and father-child relationships all lose in some way or another.

Research also shows that mothers often obtain sole custody of their child, terminate visitation with the father, and then request an increase in child support due to the reduced time the father has with their child. All of these consequences tearing apart the restructuring family and damaging the father-child relationship, destroying the father emotionally, and injuring the father financially, are all built around simple unfounded false allegations and hearsay.

Many times the falsely accused parent is stigmatized and their reputation tarnished by the false allegations. This stigma and tarnished reputation may stay with them even if they are eventually found to be factually innocent. Many innocent men lose their jobs, become depressed and walk away from it all. In today’s fear filled society, the mere allegation of child abuse within family court can damage a person for the rest of their lives. Personally, I have had clients commit suicide over such abuse allegations - even after they were determined to be factually innocent of all charges. They could not take their neighbors, former friends and co-workers continued scorn and ridicule.

Regardless of the dire consequences of destroying a man’s life, false allegations of abuse, both spousal and child, are allowed to continue unabated in family court around this country. What most people seem to miss is the fact that it is the children who suffer the most with false allegations of abuse in that their relationship with one of their parents will be irretrievably impaired. Issues of abandonment, rejection, hurt and an overwhelming sense of loss will accompany most of these children for the rest of their lives.

Whether fiction, fantasy, legal ploy, or some other reason, false allegations of abuse are an indication the accusing parent is at the very least immature and over-enmeshed, and at worse, malicious, vindictive and prone to do anything to make the other parent “pay” for their perceived wrongs.

What makes false allegations of spousal abuse and child abuse so absurd is that when the parents were together, the accused parent was a good, decent and trusted parent. But once the breakup began, the accused parent was magically transformed into a mean, angry, abusing man. Why the family court can not see this fact is beyond any sound logical reasoning.

The use of false allegations of spousal abuse and child abuse will only stop when the standard is raised wherein a parent must prove the abuse, verify, validate and substantiate the allegations. Until then, families will continue to be abused by the very system which alleges concerned about the “best interests of the child.” Abusing a parent through false allegations, treating the falsely accused parent as guilty, making orders emotionally rather than logically and with proof, validation, verification and substantiation, are not and will never be in the “best interests of the child.”

Fathers who only months ago were good care-giving, productive and protective fathers are now child abusers. It is insane the courts even allow most of these cases. A simple third party investigation, short and inexpensive, would prove not only did the alleged abuse not happen, the mother knew her allegation was untrue when she made it. Then, and only then, will there cease to be an incentive for these false allegations to be made in the first place.

Like spousal abuse, child abuse allegations require no proof, validation, verification, police reports or any other tangible evidence - the mere unsubstantiated allegation will do very nicely by itself. Just as in false allegations of spousal abuse, false allegations of child abuse are extremely common in family court. Given the current heightened awareness of child abductions and child abuse nationally, there is a lot of emotions around the allegations of child abuse - and family court is almost totally governed by emotions.

Family court judges are given wide discretionary powers unlike any other area of law. This vast discretionary power of family court judges allows them to make their orders without ever having to justify and without ever giving sound logical reasoning for the orders they make.

Just like false allegations of spousal abuse, the mere allegation of child abuse is a winner for mothers. In the majority of cases, the mere allegation of child abuse will subject the father to parenting classes (money), supervised visitation with their children (more money) and a higher child support order (much more money).

If for any reason you suspect the other parent may make allegations against you, if the other parent has a history of repeatedly getting really angry with you, or if the other parent has ever made other false allegations against you (“You don’t love me anymore.”), then you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children.

The Author of this article, Marvin Chapman, has a great website devoted to father’s rights and child custody. Why not check it out? www.dedicatedfathers.org

Also be sure to visit www.unitedfathers.org

ALLEGATIONS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE (Divorce and the Family Court System)

ALLEGATIONS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE
Divorce, child custody, and the family court system

www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org
By: Marvin L. Chapman

In family court (divorce court), the definition of spousal abuse is fleeting at best. For over 25 years I have observed spousal abuse as being any time a parent “feels” uncomfortable or “threatened.” This is to say in family court, spousal abuse is the act of making the other party “feel.” Sounds funny? Absurd? Well, go to your local family law courthouse and find out where divorce and spousal abuse cases are being heard and then watch in amazement as you see the stories unfold.

Generally, all a woman has to say is she is in “fear” of the father and a restraining order is immediately placed against the father - no proof, no validation, no verification, no police reports, nothing is required other than “feeling fearful.”

Fact: 1 in 3 women (33%) and 1 in 4 men (25%) will be victims of domestic violence. With such statistics, it makes you wonder why so many women and yet so few men are able to obtain restraining orders for domestic violence. Could it be the institutional bias against fathers is so great in family law that judges just can’t or won’t believe men can be victims of abuse from women? Go to the courthouse, watch what goes on, make up your own mind.

In family court, the mere allegation of being “fearful” of the father will typically get the mother a three (3) year restraining order against the father. Additionally, many cases end up with the father being ordered to parenting classes (money) anger management classes (more money), supervised visitation with their children (even more money) and a higher child support order (much more money). Ever wonder why men feel all they are is a paycheck? Read this paragraph again and see if you can figure out why we feel that way.

In California, part of the formula for determining child support is the amount of time each parent spends with their children. Accordingly, if a mother makes a false allegation of being “fearful” and can get the court to order supervised visitation with the father - she just won the child support lottery. Therefore, mothers in California have a financially vested interest in making false spousal abuse allegations. And this is our divorce system at work.

I have had clients whose spousal abuse cases against them have been thrown out by the District Attorney (DA) as unsubstantiated and/or unfounded, only to have the mother go to family court and get a three (3) year restraining order against the father based on the same allegation which was found to be unsubstantiated and/or unfounded by the DA.

I have had clients who have pleaded with the court to allow them to take lie detector tests to prove their innocence, only to be turned down by the family court judge because the judge had already made up their mind that the father was guilty.

I have had many cases where the father can prove he was at work when the mother was “injured.” However, because the mother had a bruise, the court takes the mother’s word for it and grants a three (3) year restraining order. In many of these cases the mother is so proud of what she pulled off in court that they call the father and laughingly brag to him on how she learned to bang herself into a door jam to get a bruise. For this act, the father is given limited time with child children, pays for anger management courses, pays for a monitor to supervise his visits with his children, and pays a higher child support amount due to the limited amount of time he has with his children.

This is JUSTICE - Family Court Style

Again, in family court, only allegations are necessary - no proof is required, no validation and no verification is necessary for a family court judge to tell truth from fiction in less than 10 minutes. It hurts to admit it but as a trained therapist with over 25 years of experience, without any proof, validation or verification, I am many times unable to tell truth from fiction - no matter how many times I meet with a couple. Yet, in family court, a judge - with no psychological training or experience - can determine truth from fiction in less than 10 minutes.

What a world this would be if we all could be like family court judges and have such powerful insight into human behavior, family functioning and family dynamics that we are able to determine absolute truth within any particular family almost immediately!

Since the mere allegation of spousal abuse makes you guilty, even when totally lacking in proof, validation, verification or evidence, there is no absolute way to protect yourself from these false charges. However, to minimize your chances of being falsely accused make sure you do not in any way provoke a verbal altercation with the other parent. Walk away, go to a hotel, do anything, but do not get into a verbal altercation with the other parent. The next step of an escalating verbal altercation is false allegations of abuse.

I know many readers of this section may have very strong feelings about these issues. As I tell many of my own clients, “Don’t believe me, believe your own eyes and ears.” Go to your nearest family court and watch the divorce and domestic violence hearings. If possible, talk to both the fathers and the mothers involved. Determine truth for yourself.

IMPORTANT DIFFERENCES IN ABUSE ALLEGATIONS

Allegations of spousal abuse (domestic violence) within family court is not the same as allegations of spousal abuse outside family court. Within family court there are emotional battles over the children, hurt feelings, divorce issues, perceived wrongs, financial incentives, and other issues which drive the desire to punish the other parent through false allegations. Other than judges, those involved in family court know the vast majority of claims of spousal abuse within family court are simply false allegations - without any factual foundation whatsoever. Outside of family court, there are few rewards for making false allegations. Accordingly, the vast majority of claims of spousal abuse outside of family court are based on fact with substantial factual foundations.

“FAMILY COURT IS FAMILY ABUSE”

Marvin Chapman, the author of this article, has a great website devoted to fathers rights and divorce information. Why not take a look?
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Dedicated Fathers is the ultimate tool to help you defend your rights!

Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

Ten Things to do for Yourself This Year

1. Learn to love yourself. You are just as deserving of your love and respect as anyone else is. When you learn to love yourself, you treat yourself better because you know that you are worthy of it.

2. Realize that you deserve only the best that life has to offer. When you know that you deserve the best, you’ll go out and create the best for yourself.

3. Set a goal for yourself and then do what you need to do to reach it. No matter how small the goal, reaching it will make you feel very good about yourself.

4. Learn a new skill. Learning is how we grow and assure ourselves that we are alive and capable.

5. Take time just for yourself every day. Even 15 minutes a day is enough to re-charge your battery. This is not selfish; it is self-preservation.

6. Do something creative. Find a hobby that you enjoy and just do it. Creativity just feels good.

7. Tell the people that you care about how you feel. Never pass up the chance to tell someone that you love him or her. This way, you will feel the pain of regret.

8. Let go of the past. It is gone forever. Learning to live in the here and now is invaluable in making every day the best.

9. Let go of one grievance or prejudice. We all have them, and they are just black holes on our soul.

10. Laugh every single day. One good belly laugh is healing. If you can’t see anything to laugh at, you aren’t looking hard enough.

www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Get what every father needs to know. Order Dedicated Fathers today!

Collaborative Divorce vs. Adversarial Divorce: A new outlook

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE

Collaborative Divorce vs Adversarial Divorce
A Positive Outlook
By:Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

1. Collaborative divorce is a process involving family law attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, all working together cooperatively to bring about a solution that is fair, just and equitable for all family members. Each of the professionals on the team assist both husband and wife to make informed decisions in an atmosphere of respect and fairness. Without the judge to make the orders, the divorcing couple is empowered to make their own informed decisions with the advice and guidance of their professional team.

2. The husband and wife control the pace of their divorce and the decisions being made.

3. The husband and wife receive advice and guidance from a team of professionals, who will not only help them through the current divorce process, but enrich their future lives as well.

4. The children have a voice without fear of what they say being used against one of their parents in court.

5. Compared to the cost of the traditional adversarial litigation method, the cost of the collaborative divorce process can be much less expensive.

6. Dissolving a marriage collaboratively encourages respect and a continuing civil relationship between husband and wife, which is paramount when children are involved.

7. Some of the key benefits of the collaborative divorce process are the following:

A. Mutually created resolutions;

B. Mutually satisfying resolutions;

C. Durable agreements;

D. New tools for effective problem-solving in the future, such as co-parenting issues;

E. Provides other professional resources to smooth transitions; and

F. Provides a safe environment for difficult conversations.


8. In the collaborative divorce model, the parents are able to maximize their financial resources because of the following:

A. Focus and time are spent on resolving problems and creating solutions, not creating more problems through numerous court appearances;

B. The expertise of each team member is brought to bear on creating family solutions;

C. Emotional issues which can inhibit the divorce process are addressed;

D. Working collaboratively and using one neutral financial professional saves time, provides focus and frames financial issues for the parties’ team to solve problems;

E. The process allows all parties to talk with one another to prevent costly, time consuming misunderstandings and additional litigation;

F. The attorneys act as guides through the process, educating their clients regarding the law, instead of taking an advocacy position and then fighting it out in court; and

G. The attorneys and coaches assist the clients in looking to future long-term goals for themselves and their children, in place of setting the client up for more hearings in the future.


The collaborative process generally gives both parents the following:

A. Peace of mind, reduced anxiety;

B. Security and privacy;

C. Less conflicts in the future;

D. More control of the outcome; and

E. Knowing you did the right thing and the best you could do for your children

BY:Marvin Chapman

Marvin Chapman, the autor of this article, has a great website devoted to divorce help and fathers rights. Why not take a look?www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org

Join the Dedicated Fathers Yahoo Discusssion Group!

Divorce Coach - Divorce coaching vs. Individual therapy

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE COACHING
vs
INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Marvin L. Chapman, MFT, CFC
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, MFC27081
Clinical Forensic Counselor, F16841
Certified Collaborative Divorce Coach
marvin@unitedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org
www.dedicatedfathers.org

Many people wonder what the difference is between a mental health professional
providing divorce coaching and a mental health professional providing
individual therapy.

Simply put: The major difference between divorce coaching and individual therapy
is the client, not the coaching or the therapeutic process.

Traditionally, individual therapy involves the assumption that the client is coming into therapy due to some real or perceived “problem” which they want to understand,
discover or have “treatment” thereon because their coping skills and/or current
manner of dealing with their “problem” is not working for them. Due to this
traditional thinking, it has long been a given that if someone is in therapy, something is “wrong” with them. Insurance companies and managed care facilities have
traditionally indicated a more comfortable position in dealing with emotional
“problems” from the medical model.

Simplified, the medical model says there is a disease (the problem), the symptoms
must be documented (a diagnoses from the DSM, yet another medical model),and a plan is laid out as to how the client will be “healed” (from the clinician’s
therapeutic orientation, paradigm or model). Based on this medical model, the
therapist will focus on the client’s history to assist in determining how the
“disease” (the problem) came about.

Many times you will hear therapists talk about the “pathology” of a client.
Ever wonder what “pathology” really means? (Definition: “The science or
Doctrine of diseases. That part of medicine which explains the nature of diseases,
their causes and their symptoms.” As you can see from the definition,
even in their diction, therapists use the medical model.)

With an understanding of the “pathology” the therapist can allegedly determine the
cause of the problem (the diagnosis). The therapist then gives the client new ways of
thinking, coping or behaving that allegedly will work better for them in the future
(the healing or curing of the problem). Under this simplified model, the therapist is the empowered helping agent; the client is the one with the “problem.”

Divorce coaching is different from individual therapy. In coaching, the client is not perceived as having any particular “problem” and the divorce coach does not
assume any “pathology.” Problems and/or pathological issues are only
dealt with if they impede the divorce process, wherein a suggestion may be
given that the client might benefit from therapy with an outside independent therapist.

In coaching, the therapist joins with the client in a duet of cooperation. The coach, having a therapeutic and mediation background, educates, offers insights and
observations, gives possibilities, and, at times, may even propose certain strategies
for the client to consider.

The divorce coach is specifically trained in the collaborative process to work closely with the client in their development of skills needed to deal with critical issues involving the divorce. Although coaching may be very therapeutic, it is not therapy.

The divorce process, whether adversarial or collaborative, is a complex and deeply
emotional process. Grief issues, such as denial, anger, bargaining and depression are usually involved, as well as a sense of loss and, many times, confusion.
Post relationship co-parenting issues are always a difficult area, as are support
and property issues. Individual parenting styles is also an area of concern for
many parents (How do I answer my kids’ questions? How do I or should I discipline
the kids who are already hurting?). Divorce coaches in the collaborative model
not only have specialized training of the collaborative process, they are also
generally very experienced in working with restructuring families.

As indicated above, the major difference between divorce coaching and
individual therapy is the client (not the coaching or therapeutic process).
In therapy, the client is perceived as having a “problem” with a particular
“pathology” for which the client is seeking help. In divorce coaching,
the client is not perceived as having any particular “problem”, and the
divorce coach does not assume any “pathology.” The divorce coach uses
their training and experience to assist their client through the collaborative divorce process in such a way that the client is able to move on with their life with the learned skills and knowledge needed to make their post divorce life as full and complete as possible.


BY: Marvin L. Chapman
www.unitedfathers.org
www.dedicatedfathers.org

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divorce mediation part 5 - recommendation

DIVORCE MEDIATION
Part 5
Recommendation Mediation

BY: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org


Court Connected Mandatory Mediation - Recommendation Mediation

If your County Mediation office IS NOT confidential, meaning they do make a recommendation to the court, then listen closely...

Be very careful. Everything you say, every thing you do (or do not do), every action, every reaction, every statement or lack of statement, can and will be used against you by the mediator in their recommendation to the court.

Why? Because mediators are people with similar biases, prejudices, preconceived notions, belief in stereotypes and other dysfunctions - just like normal people. It is extremely unfortunate confidentiality is not mandated because in recommendation mediation, any and all of any particular mediators’ biases, prejudices, stereotypes and preconceived notions will have an effect on their “recommendation” to the court - a recommendation which the court will almost always follow.

If mediation is not confidential then you will need to dress, walk, talk and act as if you are in front of the judge. You will want to present your reasons and explanations for what you are asking without making disparaging remarks about the other parent and without the need to justify your reasons. This is a time to show how you can stay out of the garbage pit of emotions, time to show you can stay focused on the best interests of your children, and time to demonstrate how you plan on making your parenting plan work for all concerned.

Remember, if mediation is not confidential, then everything - and I mean everything -can be and will be subjectively evaluated by the mediator. The mediator’s subjective evaluation, including all of their biases, prejudices, preconceived notions and stereotype beliefs, will impact their recommendation to the court.

This is the time and place to demonstrate your friendliness, the openness from which you are willing to deal in mediation, and your pleasant personality in getting along with the other parent, all of which will go a long way towards warming the mediator to your way of thinking.

BY: Marvin Chapman

www.dedicatedfathers.org

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divorce mediation (part 4) - confidential mediation

DIVORCE MEDIATION (PART 4)

Court Connected Mandatory Mediation - Confidential Mediation


Part 4 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org

More divorce related info

In California, if child custody or visitation are being contested, both parents must attend court connected mandatory divorce mediation. However, not all of the counties follow the requirement of confidential mediation. You will want to check with your local family court mediation department as to whether or not they follow the requirements of confidential mediation.

There may be no court connected mandatory mediation process in your state. To find out about your state requirements, check with your local family court personnel.

If you reside in California, or If your state has court connected mandatory mediation, you will want to discover whether such divorce mediation is confidential or recommendation based. If your mediation is confidential mediation, then feel free to express yourself fully to the mediator as to what you believe is in your children’s best interests.

In mediation, as in life, treat the other parent as you would want to be treated. Mediation will generally work out better for you if you do not use the process to try to heal your hurts and pains of the break up of your relationship.

You will want to take to your mediation appointment a written parenting plan outlining exactly what you believe is the best parenting plan for your children. Remember, this is mediation, not court. However, just like in court, you will seldom get everything you want from mediation. I typically tell my clients if you get 80% or better of what you are asking for, take it - it will probably be better than rolling the dice with the judge.

On the other hand, if you are getting less than 80%, then you are probably better off taking your issues to the judge. This suggestion is based solely on my experience with United Fathers of America for over 25 years, and my experience as a mediator in the Los Angeles County Mediation and Conciliation Courts.

BY: Marvin Chapman

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(continued)

divorce mediation part 3 - court connected

DIVORCE MEDIATION (PART 3)
Court Connected Mandatory Mediation

Part 3 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org


Many states now have court connected mandatory divorce mediation (sometimes referred to as conciliation or conciliation court - meaning an agreement under friendly terms). Court mandated divorce mediation is a non-adversarial process where a neutral third party meets with the disputing parents to assist them in settling their issues and coming to an agreement.

Court mediator’s are mental health professionals who typically have at least a Masters Degree, with extensive experience in the field of marriage, family and child counseling and/or social work. Mediators are specifically trained in conflict resolution skills and the process of mediation. Court mandated divorce mediators are court employees not paid by either party. They assist the parents in focusing on the best interests of their children, to deal with the present situation and developing plans to deal with that situation.

One of the main ideas of mandatory mediation is to help the parents see the positive issues each parent comes up with, without blaming or shaming the other parent. Although the needs of the children come first, mediation is also sensitive to the needs of both parents.

The primary purpose of mandatory court connected mediation is to allow the parents the time and opportunity to develop their own agreements before direct court intervention is necessary. This process frees up the court’s time, which is already at a premium.

Although mandated to go to divorce mediation, the parties are not mandated to actually mediate and certainly are not mandated to come to any agreements - unless they want to.

Mandatory court connected mediation is NOT marriage counseling or reconciliation counseling designed to get the parents back together.

My background is in just such a mediation setting. In the early 80's I was a court mediator in the downtown Los Angeles Conciliation Court. Based on that experience, I offer the following to you:

In mediation, as in all areas of your life, act, do not react, to the situation. Personal attacks and character assassinations are neither warranted nor productive. You are in mediation to talk about the needs and your interpretation of the best interests of your children, which will include your desires as to a parenting plan and child custody. You are NOT there to “settle the score” with the other parent.

If you sense you are being verbally chastised or abused during the divorce mediation process, it is up to you to ensure such actions are stopped. Reacting to that type of behavior will only escalate the behavior and serve to sabotage any meaningful mediation or negotiation. If the verbal abuse or chastisement continues, excuse yourself and leave the mediation room. Thank the mediator for their time and explain to them that you are not there to settle old relationship issues and that you personally have no need to sit there and take verbal abuse, accusations, threats or derogatory comments.

You have the inalienable right (a right which may not be taken away or transferred to another person) to personal boundaries of behavior which are acceptable to you and you do not give up those rights just because you are in Court Connected Mandatory Mediation.

There are two types of Court Connected Mandatory Mediation. Some court’s allow for totally confidential mediation wherein if the party’s do not make an agreement, all that happened in the mediation process is kept confidential and away from the court. Other court’s allow for a recommendation mediation policy wherein at the conclusion of the mediation process, the mediator makes a recommendation to the court as to what the mediator sees as being the best solution for the family. In future articles I will explain the basic differences between confidential mediation and recommendation mediation.

(continued)

BY: Marvin Chapman

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Divorce Mediation part 2

DIVORCE MEDIATION (Part 2)

Voluntary Mediation

Part 2 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org
www.unitedfathers.org


Voluntary divorce mediation is a process in which a skilled intermediary helps couples arrive at a mutually satisfactory and amicable agreement without judicial interference through effective communication, exploration of viable options and alternatives, negotiations and compromise. It is a problem solving process in which parents are encouraged to be open and direct in their conversation styles to lessen the chance of misunderstandings and distortions.

The divorce mediation process facilitates a change in parental interactions from the competitive and destructive win-lose mentality of the adversarial system, to a more cooperative problem-solving process. Underlining the success of the mediation process is a set of beliefs:

The belief that there is a mutually acceptable solution to every situation;

­The belief that both parents desire a mutually acceptable solution;

­The belief that cooperation instead of confrontation will produce mutually acceptable solutions;

­The belief that both parents are valuable and have insights and notions which are worthy to be heard and considered; and

­The belief that some solutions will need to transcend both parents special interests and concerns because those solutions are better for the restructuring family as a whole.

A divorce mediator sees the family as being in a restructuring process, where all parties are going through a reorganizing life event and simply need assistance in coming up with their own solutions. Not surprisingly, research has found that parents are much more likely to follow their own mediate settlement plan than parents who try to settle their differences through the adversarial system.

Mediation allows for the shift of attention from past relationship issues to current and future custodial and parenting plan issues. It provides parents the opportunity to resolve their issues among themselves without the adversarial process tearing them apart emotionally and financially.

The mediation process typically has five (5) phases which follow below:
First Phase: Initially there are the obligatory introductions and a basic orientation to the mediation process and procedures, the setting of ground rules and the outlining of initial joint goals. During this First Phase the nonthreatening environment boundaries are established. It is during this First Phase that the divorce mediator joins with both parents and establishes trust with each of them.

Second Phase: During this phrase the parties start sharing relevant information about their specific issues. This disclosure process allows the mediator to understand the family dynamics and the level of family functioning. During this stage, the wants, needs, desires and goals of both parents are presented and some explanations allowed as to why those issues are so important to that parent.

Third Phase: This is where the real work (the art of mediation as I call it) truly begins. During this phase the parties start working through issues, practice active listening, learn to compromise, and learn to negotiate without losing their personal power.

Fourth Phase: During this phase, the initial agreements are drafted into tentative agreements for both parents to visually see what their agreements look like on paper in legalese (court language). These initial agreements are then discussed and defined further.

Fifth Phase: During this final phase the divorce agreement is reviewed and approved by the respective attorneys, refined and modified as needed and then finalized by the parents.

Mediation will work for motivated parents. Parents who do not want a third disinterested party (the judge) to make decisions about their lives and the lives of their children. However, it also takes a fairly mature parent to actually come to an agreement. Putting aside hurt feelings and the desire to get even, not attempting to pay back the other parent for their perceived wrongs, and other such feelings and notions must be put on the back burner for mediation to work. For those who can make mediation work, it is far better than allowing a disinterested and totally uninvolved judge from making so many serious decisions about your family and your restructuring process.

Divorce mediation will typically save you a lot of money in attorney fees and time off work for court appearances (many mediating sessions are done in the evenings, after normal working hours). It will also save on the emotional and other stressors that typically go along with the adversarial process.

Mediation is part education. In many cases you and the ex will learn new ways of communicating and new ways to work out problem areas - ways which will assist you is settling future disputes without the need for the adversarial court process. As stated earlier, studies have also shown that mediated agreements are more likely to be followed by both parents and therefore less disruptions for the children, now and into the future.

Mediation is generally accepted as being successful to the extent it results in a voluntary settlement which is accepted as equitable by both parties, their attorneys and the mediator.

By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org
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Divorce Mediation

MEDIATION

Part 1 of an ongoing article on Divorce Mediation
By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
http://www.dedicatedfathers.org

There are basically two (2) types of divorce mediation:
Voluntary Mediation and Court Connected Mandatory Mediation.
An overview and general outline of both types of mediation are presented below.

Voluntary Mediation
Generally, at any time you and the other parent have the right to enter into voluntary divorce mediation. Voluntary mediation is where you voluntarily (without any mandates from the court or any other source) take your family court issues to an independent third (3rd) party who is has been specifically trained in the art of mediation and negotiation. The primary function of an independent divorce mediator is to assist you and the other parent in coming to compromised agreements, which are then prepared into court approved documents, which then become court orders.

Court Connected Mandatory Mediation
The second type of mediation is court connected mandatory mediation. This mediation is set up by the family courts and you are mandated by the court to attend. Mediators in court connected mandatory mediation offices are generally professional divorce mediators hired by the court to help parents come up with their own agreements, typically dealing only with custody and visitation issues. There are generally two (2) types of court connected mandatory mediation –
Confidential mediation and Recommendation mediation.

Confidential Mediation

Confidential Mediation is where all that is said and done within the mediation session is kept confidential. There court will never hear what was specifically said or done within the mediation sessions.

Recommendation Mediation

Unlike confidential mediation, in recommendation mediation the divorce mediators actually make custody and visitation recommendations directly to the court. Everything that was said and all behaviors exhibited during the mediation sessions are open for the mediator to interpret, judge and comment upon in open court.

Personal Note: I find it very hard to believe divorce mediators within the recommendation mediation model have the audacity to believe they can learn the dynamics of a particular family and become so familiar with the functioning of that family to the degree they are able to ethically make an intelligent recommendation about what is best for that family. I personally believe this is one of clearest forms of abuse which families are subjected to within the adversarial family court system.

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A Thank You to all Dedicated Fathers

Thank You for Visiting Dedicated Fathers

www.dedicatedfathers.org

Thank you for being a Dedicated Father. You may not hear that from your children until years from now, you will probably never hear it from society; however, you will hear it repeatedly from us - thank you for being a Dedicated father.

By you visiting this blog, you or someone close to you is probably involved in a divorce, child custody , or family court battle. First and foremost let me assure you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

We have assisted thousands of fathers just like you who were confused and intimidated by the adversarial family court process. By empowering parents with information, they have been able to gain the confidence they needed to successfully confront their divorce or child custody case.

Obviously, there is no magic formula, each divorce or child custody case is unique unto itself.
However, there is one fact that is true in every case:
You need power when confronting the adversarial family court system.

You Need Power
Information is Power
You Need Information

Information allows you to make better and more informed decisions for you and your restructuring family. Information helps you remain sane - especially within the insane world of family court. Information will give you the tools to be an example to your children during this traumatic time.

Here are just five (5) examples of the information the Dedicated Fathers Audio Series will give you:

1. It will teach you how to take charge of your relationship with your children, which is the best way to let them know how much they mean to you.

2. It will help you to become pro-actively involved with your divorce case, rather than reactive.

3. It will empower you to confront the procedures of family court, and the inherent biases against fathers.

4. It will provide you with what you need to put yourself in a better position to successfully navigate the adversarial family court system.

5. It will show you how to gain control over your life by learning how to case manage and organize your own divorce or child custody case, thereby making you an actively involved team member with your attorney.


Family court IS NOT about going out and hiring the best family law attorney you can afford, and then just hoping and praying they will advocate for your interests and concerns.

Family court IS about becoming an active team member with your attorney.

Your family court mission statement is the following:

“My mission is to ensure my interests are protected and my concerns addressed in a pro-active and powerful manner. To accomplish my mission, I must be in a constant state of being prepared. I will have to live with the actions I take now, for the rest of my life. Therefore, I must get organized and I must stay organized for the betterment of myself and children.”

Learn from all the fathers who have gone before you. For over 26 years we have been assisting parents going through the trauma of divorce and the family courts. Take our experience and use it. The information in the Dedicated Fathers Audio Book Series will help demystify the confusing and frustrating adversarial family court process. It will help you can gain the confidence you need to confront the processes, procedures and divorce issues with which you will be bombarded throughout your stay in the adversarial family court arena.

Armed with the power of the information in the audio series, you will have with the power-tools needed to successfully complete your mission. For the cost of only one (1) hour with a family law attorney, you will receive the education and information which could save you thousands of dollars. Your future will thank you for your insight of taking the steps today which will bring you a better tomorrow.

Again, Thank you for being a Dedicated Father.

I look forward to your joining our growing family of Dedicated fathers and like them, remember....

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org

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Your Divorce or Child Custody Plan

WHAT YOU MAY WANT TO DO (or not do)
IF YOU SUSPECT A DIVORCE OR PATERNITY ACTION
MAY HAPPEN AGAINST YOU

www.dedicatedfathers.org

If you have never been involved in the family court system I can tell you the experience will leave you confused, frustrated and anxious. I have assisted in thousands of cases in the last 25 years, therefore I have learned a lot about the “game” of family court. Below is a list of the significant bullet points which I have gleamed from my years of experience at United Fathers of America. Not all of the bullet points will benefit every person, but every person will benefit by reviewing all of the bullet points. Each reader will need to determine which points are critical for their situation. Again, your primary job is to make decisions about your life. The bullet points below are presented to assist you in making those decisions.

WARNING: Different states have different laws as to what you can and cannot do AFTER a divorce or paternity action has been filed and served. Therefore, the following information is provided as general information for the reader to consider upon the happening of the contingencies as noted. In other words, there may be some things you will want to consider doing BEFORE any papers are filed and restrictions are then placed on what you can and can not do. The following is not a substitute for sound legal advice, it is intended solely to produce critical issues for the reader to consider.


1. You may not want to listen to family, friends or co-workers.

Family, friends and co-workers have an emotional relationship with you. Although well intentioned, their information is based on their experience - not yours. Typically, if you get too excited, they will bring you back down with stories of how hard it can be. Likewise, if you get too depressed, they will lift your up with success stories. In family law, you need sound objective and unemotional answers to your real life questions. As in all of life, in family law information is power - the power you need to make the right decisions for your current and future life.


2. You may want to develop a healthy suspicion of any advice or suggestion given by someone who stands to earn money directly from that advice or suggestion (such as attorneys or paralegals).

Remember, their information, education, tactics and strategies are based on the fact they stand to make money off of you if you follow their advice or suggestion. In other words, they have a financial vested interest in what they tell you. On the other hand, you need to be a pro-active partner with your attorney or paralegal. If you can not get objective unemotional and unattached answers to your real questions from co-workers, family, friends, attorneys or paralegals, then from whom do you get the information and education you need?

3. You may want to seek out a nonprofit organization.

The best way to become involved, informed and educated is to seek out a nonprofit organization or group in which you have faith and in which you feel you can trust and rely upon. Do some research, find out about their reputation, then use this nonprofit group or organization as a sounding board for what is happening in your case and listen to their suggestions and experiences. This series of articles is a great way for you to gain education and information to consider for your case.


4. You may want to gather any and all information you can about divorce or paternity actions. Knowledge and information is power in the family court game.


5. You may want to put together a record of all marital facts including, but not limited to, a list of all assets and all debts.

Get together copies of all tax returns, copies of all pay stubs, copies of all bills including, but not limited to utility payments, credit cards, car payments, house purchase agreements and monthly payments, a list of any and all other bills or expenses, a listing of all assets such as your cars, house or major purchases, etc., and a copy of all important papers such as life, auto, home or medical insurance policies and copies of all retirements accounts. In other words, a copy of anything and everything dealing with any form of asset, debt or important papers. If you do not have, can not find or can not get your records, seek out a good nonprofit organization. With years of experience, they can assist you in obtaining your records. You do not need to hire a high priced attorney to do that which you can do for yourself.


6. You may want to start and maintain a written log, journal, diary or history of all significant events, no matter how small they may initially appear.

Many things are going to be happening in your changing world. Hopefully, most happenings will be peaceful. However, it may be critical to document events for future hearings or other legal actions. You need to note such events as the dates and times when you have the children with you, when you paid support (and how much you paid), and other relevant events. In other words, keep a chronological diary (with pictures if possible) of all family law related events or situations. Consult your support group, paralegal service or attorney for additional specifics of what needs to be documented.

By: Marvin Chapman & Dedicated Fathers
www.dedicatedfathers.org

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To Hire an Attorney or not to Hire an Attorney (Part 2)

TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part Two of Two Parts

www.dedicatedfathers.org
For more related divorce information


It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.

In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.

If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.

Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?

Answer:
Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford a family law attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of a family law attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).

Reality is that many cases require a family law attorney. An example of a divorce case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).

However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts

The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.


If Hiring a family law attorney

1. One of the best ways to choose an attorney is to either get a recommendation from your local father’s rights organization or check with family, friends and co-workers. Hiring a family law attorney is just the opposite of hiring a criminal attorney. If hiring a criminal attorney, you want the best legal mind you can afford. Family law is just the opposite. Family law is almost totally subjective feelings and biases. In family law you are hiring a personality, someone you can get along with and who is passionate about your case and your goals.

2. Nothing is worse than a personality clash with the attorney you hired to protect you. This is your and your children’s future. During the initial consultation you will need to make a sound intelligent decision based heavily on whether or not you feel and believe you can work as a team member with the attorney. Remember, your attorney is in the driver’s seat and you need to feel very comfortable with them at the controls of your future. Therefore, when interviewing a family law attorney, you may want to consider some of the following Things to look for in an attorney... and What to avoid when hiring an attorney....

A. Things to look for in a family law attorney...


1) Is the attorney friendly, passionate and non-intimidating;

2) Will the attorney return your phone calls within a “reasonable” time;

3) Does the attorneys’ recommendations make common sense;

4) What does the attorney charge per hour and will the attorney bill you
monthly so you can easily see on a regular basis what the attorney is
costing you;

5) Are credit card payments accepted;

6) How strongly does the family law attorney support alternatives to traditional
litigation,such as outside mediation or collaborative divorce;

7) How much experience does the attorney have in family law;

8) Does the attorney specialize in family law. Just as you would not want a
general doctor to perform open-heart surgery on you, you do not want a
general attorney performing your family law case;

9) Make an agreement with your attorney in writing on your mutually agreeable
and attainable goals. To avoid misunderstandings always put both large and
small requests in writing and keep a copy for yourself (again, stay
organized);

10) Get in touch and stay in touch with a local support organization for
support, encouragement and to ensure your case is proceeding according to
your wishes; and

11) Ensure you will be given a copy of any and all documents filed on your
behalf or served on your attorney relevant to your case.


B. What to avoid when hiring a family law attorney...

1) No matter what, avoid a “divorce mill” type of operation where a group of
people are grinding out paperwork one after another and an attorney just
picks up the paperwork and goes to court. This is not an assembly line
operation, this is your life, your future and your future relationship with
your kids. This is serious business and you will want to treat it that way;

2) Avoid any and all attorneys who tell you their retainer is “non-refundable;”

3) Be suspicious and avoid any attorney who appears overly aggressive and any
attorney who “guarantees” you a certain order. Family law is an extremely
subjective area of law and no one can possibly guarantee anything;

4) Do not share an attorney with the other parent. If your case requires an
attorney, then get your own attorney to protect you and your children’s
legal rights;

5) Whatever it takes, avoid financial problems between you and your attorney.
If for any reason you are unable to honor your financial agreement with your
attorney, immediately request a meeting and work out a new agreement. You
need your attorney playing attorney, not banker;

6) Avoid letting your attorney talk you into giving up something which you
feel is important, just so the attorney can expedite the case. Be
realistic and reasonable, not foolish. Remember, you may have to live with
the results for a long time, a little extra time now can save you a lot of
heartache later. Read all legal papers you are asked to sign, understand
them clearly and completely before signing and always keep a copy for
yourself. If you find unclear language or something that is subject to any
kind of interpretation, ask your attorney to have it rewritten so it is
explicitly clear;

7) If your attorney states you do not need to be present at a hearing, make
sure you find out why you are not needed. If in doubt, have your attorney
put it in writing that you do not need attend and that he/she will make no
agreements without your consent. However, the general rule of thumb is that
you need to attend ALL court proceedings. This is you and your children’s
future and you need to be there, you need and must know what is going on in
your case;

8) After each meeting with your attorney (whether in person or over the phone)
write down what was said, accomplished, promised or planned. Mail a copy of
your written understanding of the meeting to your attorney to memorialize
that the meeting took place and what was accomplished. This will assist
your attorney in keeping on track and will remind the attorney of what was
promised;

9) Avoid telling the attorney how much money you have or how much you are
willing to spend on your case. The attorney’s focus should be about your
case, not how much money you have available to give him/her. If the
attorney talks too much about money - leave the office. An attorney
whose main focus is the money is only feeling you out to see
how much they can get from you up front - how much they can
get for a retainer;

10) Make copies of all important papers to give to your attorney. Avoid giving
originals to your attorney unless absolutely necessary. If absolutely
necessary, ensure you have a copy and assurances the originals will be
returned to you upon completion of your case (unless used as Exhibits
whereupon the originals may stay in the court file);

11) Avoid calling the attorney for every little thing that happens, it will get
very expensive. Attorneys charge by the hour, with every 6 minutes being
1/10th of an hour (Example: If your attorney charges $200 per hour
and you talk to them for 10 minutes; that call will cost you
$40). Many times it may be better to contact your father’s rights
organization first as they can usually answer many (if not most) of your
questions just based on their experience with other fathers over the years.
This will reduce the number of questions and the length of time with your
attorney, resulting in lower attorney fees for you;

12) Avoid keeping an attorney whom you feel is not representing your interests
or your children’s interests fairly or properly. In other words, do not be
afraid to fire your attorney; and

13) Your attorney was hired to do a job about which you know very little. You
should be able to contact your attorney and expect an understandable answer
within a reasonable period of time. Avoid keeping an attorney who will not
return your calls within a reasonable time.

www.dedicatedfathers.org

By: Marvin Chapman

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To Hire or not To Hire an Attorney (Part 1)

TO HIRE OR NOT TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Part One of Two Parts

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It has been said that a person who represents themselves has a fool for a client. If this is true, is it also true that a person who hires an attorney has fool in charge of their life?

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Therefore, you need to know when, why and how to hire an attorney.

In California, if you appear in court and represent yourself it is called going In Pro Per, which literally means “In one’s own proper person.” Some states call representing yourself Pro Se, which literally means “For one’s own behalf, in person.” No matter what your state may call it, it means you are representing yourself in court. Many people have handled their own family court case, with just a little help in doing the required legal paperwork.

If it appears your case will be routine or normal (meaning no known or expected surprises), and if there does not appear to be a lot of areas of serious disagreement between you and the other side, and if you are comfortable speaking in front of people, then a paralegal or support group can help you save a lot of money by assisting you in representing yourself.

Question?
What kind of people represent themselves?

Answer:

Most people represent themselves because they outright cannot afford an attorney. Some people represent themselves because they have been represented by an attorneys in the past and they now believe they can represent their own interests as well, if not better, than their previous attorneys. And there are those who represent themselves because they feel that even if they lose, they will have won by not having to pay the high costs of an attorney (some people believe just the fact of not paying an attorney is a “win”).

Reality is that many cases require an attorney. An example of a case requiring an attorney would be a case where there is a major confrontation over issues of custody and visitation and/or where there are serious differences over distribution of the community property. These kind of cases mandate an attorney and it would be prudent for you to retain the best attorney you can afford (of course there are those cases wherein you absolutely can not get the money together to hire an attorney. In those cases it is obviously better to represent yourself as best you can, rather than allow a default to be entered against you. In these situations, representing yourself will at least let you know for the rest of your life that you did all you could do).

However, whether or not you hire an attorney, it remains your responsibility to keep your case organized, to keep yourself updated on all happenings in your case, and to continually stay informed as to all facts

The following two sections are presented solely to assist you in determining whether or not you will want to attempt to represent yourself and, if you choose to involve an attorney, some guidelines to assist you in determining which attorney is best for you. You may want to check your state and local rules, regulations and procedures to discover whether the following notions are valid in your particular area.

If Going Pro Per / Pro Se (Representing Yourself)


1. If you can, get hooked up with a good nonprofit organization. The information and education about the local court system will be invaluable to you.


2. Visit the local family courthouse and observe the procedures in the courtroom. Divorce hearings are open to the public and you are allowed to go in and watch. Paternity actions are usually considered quasi-confidential hearings and therefore you probably would not be allowed to stay. However, the process and procedures are basically the same for both, so if you have a paternity action you can gain the information needed by observing a divorce hearing. While in the courtroom, take notes, study what is happening and why, check out how the judge reacts to certain questions or answers and observe communication styles of the different participants. If questions as to why you are there - tell them the truth, you have a hearing coming up and you wanted to see in advance what it was all about.


3. After the courtroom visit, meet with your advisor or coach to go over any questions which arose from your observation of the divorce proceedings.


4. No matter what happens during the process of representing yourself, never react to the situation. Take a moment to assess what is happening and then act upon it - never ever react. It is almost always fatal for us as males to react instead of proactively acting upon.


5. You and your case will survive the experience in much better shape if you stay out of the gutter, no mud slinging and no disparaging remarks - no matter what.


6. Your future lies in how strong and bold you are able to present your facts to the court, not in how well you react to the allegations from the other parent. Stay in your strength and power, be confident, self-assured and positive. Then, and only then, will you be able to walk away from this experience with your self-respect, self-worth and dignity still intact.

(continued)
BY: Marvin Chapman

www.dedicatedfathers.org



http://www.dedicatedfathers.org

LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT

LEARNING THE “GAME” OF FAMILY COURT

www.dedicatedfathers.org

Each state has its own particular laws, customs, precedent setting cases and local rules when it comes to divorce and child custody.. With this caution in mind, the following is an overall education with some general information on issues you may want to ponder when heading into the family court arena.

For many people their first experience with any court is when they experience family court. For many people the family court, divorce, and child custody experience can be devastating. Not only can you lose a good portion of your income, it is also the place where the parents learn when, where and how they will “be allowed” to have time with their children.

After watching numerous television shows featuring attorneys and the court system, many people have preconceived notions about fairness in family courts. The reality is, like any court today, the calendar is packed and relatively little time is devoted to each individual case. Therefore, justice and fairness almost always give way to expediency, which in family law means the orders will be based on biases, prejudices and "feelings," rather than fact, equity and fairness. As a result, both mothers and fathers are usually greatly discouraged and dismayed when they exit the family court system.

The first notion a person needs to understand is that family law is a game. Let’s take a look at just two games:

1. If you walk into your local convenience store and pick up a bag of chips and walk out without paying for them, it’s called “stealing.”

Action: Stealing
Results: Time in jail

2. If you are on first base in a baseball game and you run down to second base, this is also called “stealing” (assuming you are safe at second base).

Action: Stealing
Results: You’re a hero

In both of these games the “Action” is the same: “Stealing.”

3. Question: Why such different “Results” when the “Action” is the same?

4. Answer: Different game - Different sets of rules.

In the game of life, stealing is a crime which will land you in jail. In the game of baseball, stealing is advantages and will make you a hero.

Treating the “game” of family court with the same rules as the “game” of life (truth, justice, honesty, integrity, fairness and equality) would be like playing baseball with the same rules as the game of life (refusing to steal a base because it is against your principles to steal).

Just as it would not make sense to play the game of baseball by the rules in the game of life, it does not make sense to play the game of family law by the rules of the game of life.

You need to know the game you are playing, you need to know about family court.

Family court has also been referred to as being like a game of chess: You need to anticipate the other players move BEFORE they make it. Just like in chess, never, ever play defensively - you’ll be a guaranteed “loser” in family court if you start playing defensively.

Preparation is the most important key to playing the game of family court. Organizing and managing your divorce or child custody case must be your top priority. Do not expect or assume your attorney (if you have one) will be organized or particularly adept at case management. Remember, attorneys went to law school to become litigators to “win” for their clients. You need to stay on top of all issues in your case. You must know and understand your case inside and out.

Family court is a multi-billion dollar business and a big part of the “game” is money. Find this hard to believe? Visit your nearest family court. You will discover the judge sits on the bench for about six (6) hours a day, with as few as 20, to as many as 45 or more cases to hear each day. This translates into about 15 minutes per case.

This literally means your financial future (support) and the amount of time you are allowed to be with your children (custody and visitation) may be decided in 15 minutes or less. If anyone really cared about you, your ex or your children, could they make significant determinations about your life in 15 minutes or less? Again, if you find this notion hard to believe, simply visit your nearest family court, watch a divorce or child custody hearing and see what happens.

While it is true more time is allowed for final “trials;” in most states, the only thing “final” about the final trial is that your status is changed from being married to being single, and your property has been divided. Almost all other issues are open for later interpretations, modifications and future court hearings.

Generally, the issues of custody, visitation and child support are almost always open for future modifications - and those are the hearings which last 15 minutes or less. Again, if someone really cared about you and your reorganizing family, could they make major decisions about your life in as little as 15 minutes?

If money were not the bottom line in family court, it would have been taken out of the adversarial system long ago. Comparatively, there is little money in education, information, mediation, negotiations and collaboration. As in every other area of life, when money becomes more important than people, then truth, justice, honesty, fairness, equality and freedom are sacrificed. Such is the case in family court.

In family court, the family unit, the restructuring of the family, and the needs of individual family members are all sacrificed on the alter of making money. Greed is a great motivator.

Currently, we are stuck with family court being under the umbrella of the adversarial system. Since this is your life, your relationship with your children, and your financial future being decided, you need to retain the role of decision-maker in your case at all times. Although you may retain an attorney or have someone whom you trust as coach, your primary job is to make decisions about your life.

NEVER FORGET

Only you, the other parent and your children will have to live with the final results from family court.
Either way the attorneys and all court related personnel will get paid.

By: Marvin Chapman
www.dedicatedfathers.org

www.unitedfathers.org